Rudo y Cursi

1 A while back, some wanker told me the most beautiful game ever invented began with the severed head of a soldier. And his enemy's brutal kick. The first goal ever, unofficially, was scored when the head flew between two trees. "Dreadful!" I said. "That depends," said the wanker. "Dreadful for the goalkeeper, but for the striker, it was glorious." Know the difference between a banana loader and a donkey? -What? -You don't know? -Nope. -The donkey's well hung! F***ing A, Rudo! Don't run, Tato. -You'll bruise the bananas. -You said go faster. These are for export. So goes our life, so goes our love It's a never ending story Stop with the yodeling, a**hole. Like an April evening. Love to love... You know the words "shut up"? Will you shut up now, jackass? A**hole! You're wearing me out! Hey, shorty! Wait up! Tato! Wait up! Tato! Tell that dwarf to wait! Hurry up! Grab on! Hold it still, shithead! You got it! Grab on! Hold it still! Grab on! Wait, damn it! That's it, grab the little stick, Beto! In sports as in life, individual effort means nothing if it doesn't support a group effort. Teamwork can only be understood as a principle of generosity, one for all. That's the spirit that unites us and makes us brothers. Don't play dumb. Where is it? I lost it last night, mango. Have you lost your mind? I need my blender, Beto! Sorry, my system failed. It always fails! I want my blender! You'll live like a queen once my system gets going, Toa. Meanwhile we're screwed! How am I gonna blend? Big deal, ask my mom to borrow hers. You ask her! Don't bet what's not yours! Bet that stupid game of yours! It's Campitos' game. You just said don't bet what isn't mine. Then sell it. You waste all day playing with him. It's called quality time. I want my blender back! More rice? You can finish later, Nadia. Get some more tortillas. Why bother? They're too chewy! Now, dear, you already had a dozen. And they all tasted like sh*t. Where'd you buy them, Toa? Same place as always. So who's dumber? The one who bought them, or the one who served them? Don't talk like that to my wife and mom, Arnulfo! Apologize! Did they run out of fresh tortillas? My gun's bigger than yours! Apologize to my mom! Better leave your dad alone! This cop ain't nobody's father! Not even the twins. He's only been here a couple of years! Say you're sorry. I'm waiting. Say you're sorry, damn it! I'm going to Texas. -What's that, Son? -You're going where? Up north, with some guys from Chiapas. To pick fruit? No, I'm gonna make it big, as a singer. All wetbacks make minimum wage, d*ckhead! Cuco's got a cousin. He does radio in Texas. Son, you sing real nice, but Beto's right. Then how will I ever build you your house? You'll wind up singing in the street. I'm the one who'll build the house, like always, -with my savings. -What savings? Friends, come make your dreams come true... Wish we had a phone so we could win that raffle. Yeah. Like, how much could we buy? A shitload, I guess. The car's real nice. We'd give it to my mom. Geez, you're always giving her what's ours. Well, Arnulfo never gives her sh*t. So what about your brother? He's good for nothing. Takes after his dad. Yours wasn't so hot either, right? You're my platonic love, forbidden fruit I know we don't have a chance to ever be together but I worship you from afar, little darling I'll take Maya Vega over the car any day. She's a fox. Don't say that, moron! Maya's the most fragrant flower, the sweetest nectar, the loveliest woman on Earth. Well said, poet. So what'll it be? Tea For Two, or Goodbye Girl? Game time, you lazy f***! Hey, a**hole! F*** off! Man, you reek. Stay clear of the ref. He'll kick you out. Buy me a beer, okay? You're wasted. -Pay you back later. -Sweat it off. Here's where I enter the story. Hello, chaps. I'm Dario Vidali, better known as "Baton." Baton? That little wand conductors use. I'm a talent scout. There's lots of talent here! -Really. -What's up? Buggered, old chap. My tire's bungled and there's no spare in the boot. Is there a shop nearby? Boot? You keep spares in your boots? No... I need a place to fix it. -There's a mechanic in El Naranjo. -Yeah. Could you help me take the tire to be fixed? You'll be well paid. No can do. Game time, Tato. Trees on the cliffside But I paid the alimony. Don't drag the kids into this, I'm begging you. Quiet, mate, I can't hear... Not watered by the flowery river Hello? I'm never there? I took them fishing three months ago... Hello? No signal. I'm losing reception... Hey, here's a flat. Fix it, okay? It belongs to the gentleman. -Thanks, chaps, I'm very grateful. -Sure thing, any time. Booger, wait up! What do you think, sir? How's my singing? Stellar. There's a tad extra for you in my tip. -Tato, the game's starting! -Coming! Let me give you my info, to stay in touch. -Of course. -See ya. Laddie, come here. Do me a favor. Bring me an ice cold six-pack. Cold as a nun's tit. -String, kite, string! -Who's that dancing fellow who just scored? -What do you mean? -That's Tato Verdusco! -And who's the goalkeeper? -The goalie? -Tato's brother. -"Rudo" Beto Verdusco. Rudo? I see. He's totally ruthless. But he always plays fair. Yes, I'm sure. Dirt fields are a paradox. The poorest places are where you'll find the diamond in the rough. Flawless, pure. Miraculous. Tato! Hey, did you see it? Congratulations, smashing, well done! Mr. Baton, I'm so glad you stayed! Like I said, I scout and represent soccer talent. -You're not in the music biz? -Not music. Soccer. Soccer? Really? Perhaps you've heard of Luis Guzman, Alex Garcia, Butterball Peralta... Of course we have. I discovered those lads. Butterball, for example. I found him in a little town in Chile. Now he's a star. I represent them all, and then some. Let's cut to the chase. I saw you chaps play and I'll be frank. You're not getting any younger. But you've got enormous potential, each in his own way. -True, true. -Yes. And I'd love to take you both under my wing. For tryouts? But I've got too many prospects, and I can only manage one of you. What about the other? The other? Hard to say. Soccer is fickle. Could be a week, a month, a year, or perhaps I'll never pass this way again. How do you propose we decide? Penalty shot. You're sure? High stakes, Rudo. Well, that's soccer, right? Absolutely. Choose your goal. That one. Tally ho, lads. Penalty shot, bro. Shoot to the right. -Let me block it. Shoot to the right. -Okay. Whenever you're ready. Kick it, bro! Come on, shoot! Good show. Congratulations. -Can we do it over? -It looked legit to me. Two out of three? Afraid not. That's the game, win some, lose some. Better luck next time. Well done, Tato. Lovely, right in the pocket. We're off early tomorrow. Meet me at the tire repair shop at 7:30. I'll be there. Coming! I'm already mobile. Don't be late. Ciao, champ. -So, where can I stay? -Mango Bay is 10 miles ahead. Sounds charming for Osiris and myself. Cheerio, Tato. Should I bring my uniform? -What the f***? -What do you mean? I said aim right! Why'd you shoot the other way? I aimed right! I meant the other right! What other right? My right, a**hole! You should have said to aim that way! -What other right is there, jackass? -My right, bro! Over there! Motherf***er! Don't play dumb! I'm not playing! You told me, "Aim right"! Weren't you going up North? -Well, yeah, bro! -So? So, then this chance came along! Traitor! You screwed me out of my chance, a**hole! They say the first wars were between brothers. Then came games to prevent them through symbolic imitation. Pity, nowadays wars are mistaken for games and games for wars. Especially between brothers. We all depend on you. It's what I always wanted, Toa! And that a**hole f***ed it up! But you're foreman at a banana ranch, Beto. Not a soccer player. Because I never got the chance! This soccer business is a long shot. You lose, we all lose big time. That a**hole already made me lose! Come on, sweetie. We're better off without that retarded brother of yours. Don't call him that! Watch yourself, Mom. What do you mean? -Well, Arnulfo. -Don't worry. I'll be all right. Well, I'm off. Wish me luck. Take care, Son. You'll send us something back, right? Of course I will. I'll build you a mansion with all the money I make. You'll do well, Tato. You'll see. -Bye, Mom. -Goodbye. -I'll call you. -Okay. They stood you up, dumbass! F*ggot! Son of a b*tch. I was just about to leave, Mr. Baton. Flying the coop? Hop in. Back seat's fit for a king. Here? Have a beer. Don't spill it. The upholstery is genuine leather. Excuse me, miss. Sorry I'm late, Osiris abused me all night long and I had to recover. It's cool. -Now who's left behind, f*ggot! -Up yours! -Screw you! Kiss my ass! -What? I can't hear you! I'll offer you a five-year contract. That includes negotiations, administration, everything to make your life easier. My cut is 15%. Deal? First time in Mexico City? Yeah. It's a monster, eh? But even the scariest monster has its charms. This humble abode is mine. You'll stay here for a while. Here's enough food for a week. I'm gonna eat this all week? They're tasty. They've got shrimp. Nobody's home now, but three other blokes live here. Not for long, though. But there's only two beds. You'll work out something. Know how to use one of these? -Yeah. -My number's there if you need anything. -Okay. -I'll take you to the team tomorrow. Do you know anybody in the music biz? You're serious about singing, mate? -Yes. -What inspired you? -My dad. -I see... He sang in a famous band. He was French. He left me this. The key of G. Nice. My mother left me this. Nice. She was a whore. Great lady. I never wanted for anything. Let's focus only on soccer. Yes. Get some rest, tomorrow's the biggest day of your life. Take care. Thanks. See you later. I'm in for 25 and Pimienta's f***ing watch. You're out of control tonight, Rudo. He misses his baby brother Tato. I miss the blowj*bs your mama used to give me, a**hole. -To be honest, me, too. -She was good going down, huh? -So what's up? Anybody in? -I'm out. Read them and weep, jacks and aces. Three of a kind, a**hole. Double or nothing. You and me. What are you gonna bet, your mom? You got another blender? No, but I've got a pan to fry your balls on! Leave my mom out of this, a**hole. Come on, Rudo, take it easy. All of life is a gamble, a ball hits the goalpost, or goes in for a goal. What makes the difference? Destiny, of course. And the effect given to the ball when it's kicked. No! He's a double threat. Old and rotten. -I'm taking him out. Ral! -No, wait! He's not warmed up yet. Give him another chance. Don't forget, talent is ageless. He fucks up again, he's out. Give us a moment. Tato! Come! What's wrong, mate? Leave your talent back home? That's Yank Garcia! And J.J. Escandon, and that's Generalisimo. It's just too much. They can all blow me! Yank used to drive a bus! Escandon was a bricklayer! Generalisimo washed cars! You're a top player! Show them what you've got! Let's make a deal. If you make the team, I'll help your singing career. Okay. Stop prancing around and play, you wanker! Won't be long now before the magic starts. Goal! What did I tell you? Where shall we have lunch, darling? Goal! -The lad's a goal-making machine. -String, kite, string! Goal. This could go on all day. Does he have to do that every time he scores? The lad's got style. Where'd you find him? You can talk about the miracle, but never reveal its source. You prick. The hick's got something. Reminds me of myself. I'll take him. He'll be a starter! Depends on him. He's going places. You go hassle management. Don't forget, I get my 10%. Done. Always a pleasure, Bruno. I'm waiting for you to come back into my arms To give me kisses and caresses Tato, pass me the soap. It fell over there. Where? Oh, yeah. What the f***! Players can be quite imaginative when hazing. Sometimes they switch toothpaste for shaving cream. They perform the legendary wedgie, or the fearsome tube. Some rookies stay awake on the road so they won't end up with a teammate's penis in their mouths. Faster, man! What's it gonna take? Chili peppers up your ass? But you said the fruit would bruise. Not if you run with the right technique! What're you looking at, a**hole? What? All you loaders are a bunch of faggots! Give it a rest, dickwad! Shut up, you f***ing hick! Hit the showers, your feet stink! Sh*t yeah, man. All right! That's enough for today! Tato! Come here! How many weeks you been here? About six. Go get your stuff. But... How come? You're suiting up for Sunday's game. You know what that means? I don't know if you'll play, but you're on the bench. Cat got your tongue? -Thanks, Coach. -All right, hit the showers. Are you going to watch Tato's game? I'm busy. You never miss a game. Forget about your retarded brother. I said, don't call him that! Okay. We'll be right outside. Yeah. You're coming, right? ...and here's the bench for Amaranto. Number 20, Pegoraro. Number 19, Gabriel Born. Beto, give me a hand. -Number 17, Javier Mena. -Son, come on over here. Number 14, Tato Verdusco. There he is! Toa, you take her. I got stuff to do. The bench is purgatory. It's like quicksand, the longer you stay, the deeper you sink. It's like taking your bride on a honeymoon, then not being able to make love, but having to watch 22 cretins and three bobbies have their way with her while thousands cheer. Raul Perez. Beto Verdusco. You still owe me half of the next two paychecks, Rudo. So I see. Rudo! Main office! Phone call! Thanks. You're not supposed to take calls here. Let this be the last time. Sorry. It won't happen again. Afternoon, boss. Hello, Rudo. Sorry, excuse me. Hello? Rudo! Baton here! Hello. You want to turn pro? Yeah, sure. Your brother's been pushing for this, really breaking my balls. -He has? -I won't have any left if he continues. Whoa, better watch out, Baton. Soccer in this country never ceases to amaze, Second Division extended its registration deadline. And the Nopaleros club needs a goalkeeper. You've got to be here tomorrow. Can you make it? Yeah, sure. Perfect. See you then. Roger. -Big hug, dearie. -Big hug, dearie. Where've you been? I've been waiting like some bloody tart! I'm here, but they wouldn't let me in. If they ask for me, honey, you've got to let them through. How's tricks? I found a team for your brother like you asked. Yeah? Great. But I'm going back home. I'm tired of warming the bench. Have you gone mental? Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. I want to sing. Hook me up with those guys in the music biz. I'll get you the best contract! The best venues! But first you've got to play. That's what I want, but they won't put me in. Bruno's an imbecile. I'll offer him a bigger cut, maybe he'll make you a starter. -Yeah. -What now? She's Maya Vega, right? From the TV game shows? -Want to meet her? -No... There, now, Baton is here. Maya! Batty! So good to see you. Hey, you got Gringa Roldn's phone number? Not with me, I'll give it to you later. Let me introduce an amazing pro player, Tato Verdusco. -Hi... Sorry. -When's the next barbecue? Soon. You're the guest of honor. I'll light the fire, you bring the meat. Batty, you're impossible! Gotta run. Take care. I'm leaving, Son. Take care of Mom. Okay. Now what, Beto? -They're falling asleep, eh? -Where you going at this hour? To the packing plant. Two trucks need loading. -Right now? -Yeah, someone's got to do it... Bye, mango. Go back to sleep. -Out of my way... -Excuse me. Nothing personal, but goalkeepers always remind me of ravens, carrion birds. Bad omens. They're solitary creatures who watch the world from a distance. They're allowed the forbidden, they use their hands to block goals and rain on everyone's parade. They're catastrophic. Sorry I'm late, the labor unions are blocking the streets. Let's go. Afternoon, miss. Soccer has to be your main priority. As goalkeeper, you've twice the liability. Guarding the net means carrying the team on your shoulders. It's always your fault. There's an old saying, if you want to stop being a prat, stop being a goalie. What's a prat? Tosser, knobhead... Jackass. Are you willing to be a jackass for soccer? Jackass? Never. No way. That's the spirit! By the way, I take 15% of everything you make. Agreed? What? 15%? Too high. I'll take 20 if you insist, but I've got to charge something. -First time in Mexico City for you, too? -Yeah. It's a monster, eh? But even the scariest monster has its charms. His name is Beto "Rudo" Verdusco. Your goalie's an old man, Baton. Talent is ageless, Obdulio. How come they call him "Rudo"? Mafafo! It was clean. Get out of here! Both of you! Take five, Mafafo. He took a dive. How come that ball's not moving, damn it! So what do I do now? -Play and keep from getting buggered! -Keep from what? So what do you think of Rudo? If I ever need a hitman, I'll call you. The nickname suits him, eh? Too well. Come on! Stop hogging the ball! Pass! Remember you lost your goalkeeper for the season. So what? Yours is a criminal. Don't let him get away. Your sub is fragile as a teacup, and the other one's got butterfingers. There are others. Go after it! Don't just stand there! Incredible! You're passing on a great goalie and your cut? -What cut? -10%. Nope. All right, 15. Okay. He can stay. Square it with management. -My cut comes straight from you. -Done. Always a pleasure, Obdulio. The pleasure's all yours. Yo, pass me the soap. The pink one? Sure. Hold up, you f*ggot! Calm down, a**hole. Come and make me, p*ssy! Fricking newbie, now you're screwed. Shaving cream and razors! Let's shave his balls! Razorblade, razorblade! I'd forgotten that variation. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Itchy? Try talcum powder. On the bright side, now it'll look bigger. Sons of b*tches. Ganged up on me. One on one, I would have cracked their f***ing skulls. Let it go. You don't want enemies right away. The owners pay by the game. You need to be star goalkeeper. Don't worry. That net is mine. That's the spirit. Keep it up. This way. You're lucky. The other blokes cleared out. Now it's just you and your brother. Spectacular, eh? Yeah. Here's food for a week. They've got shrimp. Quite tasty. Shrimp? Inside? That's the place. Your key. See you tomorrow. Please don't kill anybody. -You're leaving? -Quite. Big hug, dearie! Little girl, little girl... Yo. Yo. -What's up? -What's up? How's your team? Good. We're gonna kick ass. Watch your ass in the showers. That hazing sh*t... They can kiss my ass. You still on the bench? Yeah. But I don't give a sh*t. I'm working on my singing career. How do I call home on this piece of crap? I was worried! Nobody knew anything! How could you leave like that? Why'd you steal our money? I didn't steal it, mango. Just borrowed it. You'll get it back. Oh, yeah? How? -I'm already on a team. -So what? You take the blender, you take our savings, you never change! Sorry, mango, but now we're gonna live like kings! When's that gonna happen? Soon as I get paid so you can come join me here. And until then? What'll we live on? -You left us nothing! -I'll send money! -Or sell Campitos' game! -You better believe I'm selling it. Sell it, then you'll know it was good for something. But I'm not coming out there or staying here with your mom. -I'm not crazy! -So what are you gonna do? Like you give a sh*t! Goodbye! What's Toa up to? Nothing much. She says hi. -You're p*ssy-whipped. -You're a f*ggot. Want me to make you some soup? Sure. That's talcum, right? It's for your feet. Look, just pour in boiling water and throw it in. -Hey, it's got shrimp! -Yeah, they're freeze-dried. Reunions are always magical, like a striker's goal after a bad run, or kicking the ball after a prolonged injury, or a fan's return to the stadium after years of absence. Go get it! Wake up! Stay in formation! Watch your back! Move out! Hey, Coach. What's up, Rudo? The wingmen won't fall back. They're getting behind us. Why not switch to 4-4-2, move Fede to defense and play Mafafo as floater? Sure. Don't be such a f***ing idiot. Listen up, men! The ship is sinking! Switch to 4-4-2! Fede, you're defense! Mafafo, you play floater! Flix! You're in for Rudo! Let's win this, men! How'd you like my changes? Good, huh? Go out and win, boys! "How'd you like my changes?" Son of a b*tch! Ever been here before, mate? I'm a regular. Hey, Memo? What's up? Come in. We'll lose our shirts, eh? It's cool, you're with me. Why drag me along? I'm a pacifist. Let's watch your brother's game instead. Why bother? He never plays! This isn't what you promised! I didn't even play three games! I'm not even on the bench! That's soccer, Rudo. But I don't make money unless I play. I'm broke. Loan me 100 pesos, okay? -Fine, but I want it back, eh? -Yeah. Bugger me! They're sending him in! Tato's going in! He may be a rookie, but he's seen better days. I'll put 100 on the white. There's no white. Red or green. Red, then. I don't give a sh*t. -That's it? -Yeah, well, I'm broke, man. No more bets! Let them loose! You know why you're broke? Because you don't play. If you want to play and get paid, you have to apologize to Obdulio. Why? I didn't do anything! You told the coach how to do his job, you fool! And the bastard listened! So what! It's not done. Not with a ball breaker like Obdulio. You apologize, you play. End of story. That a**hole can go to hell! To hell with him, then. You know best. That's my boy! See what's left of your chicken, Baton. What a waste. That's my cock! Check this out. -Looks pretty bad. -Yeah. -So you gonna pay me or what? -You win, Rudo. Tato looks good, he fakes, the goalie leaves his area. Tato shoots. Goal! What control! What flourish! This rookie is a sweetheart, he's a romantic! Beyond romantic, he's Cursi! What a super-duper goal by Tato "Cursi" Verdusco! Who said they could call me Cursi? "We All Wanna Be Cursi." "A Cursi Season." I'm no pansy. They adore you. You've had a dream season. Top scorer, rookie of the year. But they can't call me that! Bollocks! You'll take the nickname and like it. Bullshit! You got a good nickname, a conductor in the mid-field! Chill out, Cursi. Don't call me that, a**hole! You are a sweet romantic, Cursi. How could I explain that I only played soccer as a lad in the streets, that I was awful, and I got the nickname because people said that I'd be better off conducting an orchestra? I've good news and bad news, Rudo. Bad news first. I couldn't find another team for next season. Sh*t! What's the good news? Look over there. "Home of Cursi" -What's that? -Don't be a fool, Cursi. The owners want to take care of you. I present your new home. Mine? For real? The rent comes out of your paycheck, but the furniture is a gift from the Club. F***, Baton! What's the good news? Stop breaking my balls. Good news is your brother's humble abode. Smashing, eh? It's huge. I'm gonna bring all the chicks here. -The TV's incredible. -Go look around. Whoa! Beto, three rooms! A bathroom with one of those tubs that make bubbles. There's room for you, Beto. Baton! The SUV is also a gift from the Club. Seriously? It's white, like a ghost! What are you doing? Chin up, come here. I'm fine. You're not, because you haven't heard the good news. Nopaleros are now First Division. But we didn't make the playoffs. Panteras were the champs. The magic of soccer in Mexico. The owners paid for a new franchise! Boggles the mind. What about that a**hole Obdulio? He's out! The new coach is a friend of mine! I raved about you and you're his starting goalie! Marvelous, eh? I'm the starter? For real? -Of course, as it you should be. -Tato, turn that off! I can't turn it off. Bollocks, like this! One more thing... A contract to record a song and a video. Spare me. We're gonna make it big! I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me I'll shine up the old brown boots I'll put on a brand new hat I'll get home early from work If you say that you love me Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? Feeling all alone without you I feel like dying String, kite, string! Let's get going, bro. Hold on, wait up. Give me a break. You've been watching that for weeks. Awesome, huh? It's all right. But enough already. Okay, let's go. The painting my dad left me looks good, huh? Really lights up the room. Yeah. Right on. Hell yes. It's awesome. Aren't you Rudo and Cursi? Yeah. I swear you're the sweetest striker ever. Thanks, man. You're a wall, Rudo. Without you Nopaleros would get creamed. They should worship you. -Can I give you two a kiss? -Sure. Can we get a picture with you? Go, go! Why don't you sit with me, have a drink and watch the race? I can't. I'm working. They won't let you? Bastards. Give me your number and we'll toast when your shift ends. Cell phone, I don't want to call your mom. You're Cursi, right? You're Maya Vega. Have we met? Sure, I'd know you anywhere. I love your nickname, "Cursi." You must be really sweet. Yeah... You could say that. A super player who's super romantic. But soccer's not really my thing. I'm actually a singer... Look, this was my dad's, he was French. If you sing like you play, I want all your records. Buy me a drink? Yeah, sure. What'll it be? Champagne, sweetie. Chilled. Make it two, please. Thanks. Go! Go! That's that. Thanks. Later. -You're Rudo, right? -Yeah. You're a great goalie. Great gambler, too. You really got a sixth sense. Really? Sure. Let me offer you my services, Las Vegas-style entertainment. Top notch. Give me a ring whenever. -Look at the big truck, Mom! -About time you came home, boys! -Look what I brought you. -How handsome! Hey, Mom. You're getting big! When did they build that new road? Some guy named Don Casimiro put it in. He bought up all the ranches. They say he's a drug lord. Very cool road. Check this out. To watch over you when I'm not around. It's choreographic. Eyes open and shut. -It's lovely! -I'll hang it up. -What happened to you, Mom? -Nothing, son. Let me see. I must have bumped into something. Where's that a**hole Arnulfo? He ran off with some bimbo. Don't worry. -How am I not going to worry? -Hello, Baton? I'll kill that motherf***er! That pig will end up worse than your dad. How come you didn't tell me, Nadia? -I couldn't. -You couldn't? One phone call! Tato, look what that prick Arnulfo did! Son of a b*tch! No, not you, Baton. One f***ing phone call, Nadia! I'll call you back. Hey, Mom, guess what? They picked me! -For what? -The national team! What else? We're going to play Haiti! What about you, loser? Thanks, honey. It's real nice. Sorry I took so long, mango. The blender's just the start. I'll get you out of this shithole. My home is not a shithole! I put it together myself! It's pretty crappy. Just wait until I'm done. Come with me to the city. You'll see how nice the house is. I don't know, honey. You're my wife, aren't you? I don't know anymore. My husband took off like some crook. I paid everything back, Toa. Yeah, but I'm doing fine right here. I'm a sales rep for WonderLife now. What the f*** is that? WonderLife is a multi-level marketing company promoting well-being. We develop and sell vitamins, supplements, all that stuff. That sh*t doesn't work! It does! I'm doing well. I've almost earned enough for a little car. Screw that! I'll get you a car or whatever you want if you come with me! I've got nothing to do in the city. Why don't you stay here with us? You never listen, do you? I'm on a team! First Division! I can't stay here. Well, I'm happy here with my home and my customers. Tristan's not good enough for you. His dad runs that dime store and barely gets by. Not again. He just wants to knock you up. Like all the other bastards. That's not true. Open your eyes. Don't be a fool. Leave me alone, Mom. That girl. She reminds me of her father. No way. He was ugly. Nadia takes after you. She's pretty. Right, Beto? Never mind. Beto's upset because he can't control his wife. So... Do you like Chololos Beach? I love it. My dad used to bring me here. We'd get naked and goof around. Here's where I want to build your new house. For real? No, I want to build your new house. You, too? I'm figuring out how to finance it. No, I'm looking at lots to build your house on. It'll be nicer than that drug lord's house. Much nicer. Huge. Three floors! I'll put your pool bar over here. No, I'll build your bedroom with a balcony and a view of the ocean. The love for a mother and a uniform are the same. Mothers provide our identity. Our struggle to win her affection is our struggle to stay alive. Every fan wants to prove that he loves his team colors best, and every son knows nobody loves Mom like he does. No, Mayita. -Not here. -Yes, Cursi. I can't wait. Wow, Cursi! Oh, God. Oh, boy. What? You're all shaved. -You like? -Yeah. It's yours. Mayita. You're sexier than I thought. They're all yours. My buddies are never gonna believe me. Baby Face says you're a fragrant flower, the sweetest nectar and all that. The bastard's a real poet. Ch has all your calendars. Correct me if I'm wrong. Loving a woman and a ball is the same. You've got to entice her and guide her with skill, put her in her place if need be, and never lose control. I know, mango, it is Tato's house, but just until we find something better. Guess what? I'm selling WonderLife now. For real! TotalWonder's amazing! I signed up four teammates. I told them it takes 400 points. Five hundred, sorry, to become Quartz Sales Reps. The whole team is on WonderLife. One of my clients is waiting, honey. Like you died and went to heaven, right? Yeah, just like heaven. Come to the poker table. Minimum stake is $10,000. Did you see the pot he raked in? Time for bazooka. -A what? -Your hand. Bazooka. What's this? Snow White, blow. Coke. No way, I'm an athlete. Whatever you say. You decide. It helps some people play better. Play what? Poker? Sure. Have a seat, please. -Evening, miss. -Your chips. Let's play. This car's a tank, huh? I'm so proud of the way you've come out on top. Yeah? Didn't you notice at the disco last night? The Dogo? It's super exclusive, all these VIPs falling over themselves for you. People love you! That place is super cool. I had a great time. Me, too. And that suit you had on? -Yeah, the... -Dolce & Gabbana. -Gabbana, yeah. -You looked incredible. Not like your friend Worm-face or, sorry, your brother, they'd never pull it off! Well, my brother is sort of a hick. And how many guys are top players like you, or how many singers have your super style and super voice? Well, singing is my thing. I know. Let me see something. -Hey, can you climb in there? -Inside? Yeah. I want to see something. It's not easy to come from nowhere and make it big, sweetie. -Why? -Because I know. I ran away from Puerto Rico. Pop wanted me to work in the bakery, and Mom wanted me to fry bananas. That's not me! -No. -Not really. You've come out on top, Mayita. Here I am, on TV, in magazines, and with the most handsome, talented boyfriend in the world. You like this car? It's the car I've always wanted. But it's too expensive, sweetie. Well, it's yours. -For real? -A gift from me, if you want it. Oh, baby, I love you.

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