Ruggles of Red Gap

- Oh, what's that?

- Ten o'clock, my lord.

Anything wrong, my lord?

Everything's wrong.

- Shellfish again for supper, my lord?

- Mm, what of it?

You know what they do

to your digestion, my lord.

They don't do a thing to my digestion.

- No, my lord?

- No.

If you want to know, I had oysters and

lobsters and sherry and champagne.

Quite, my lord.

I had dinner and spent the evening

with Mr and Mrs Floud.

- The Americans, my lord?

- Yes.

They taught me their native game

of, um...drawing poker.

- Quite a 'orrible experience, my lord.

- Yes, it was.

I am putting out your light grey,

my lord.

There is something

in the air this morning

- which calls for light grey, I think.

- Mm, possibly.

- What's all this mess?

- I'm packin' up.

We're goin' home, Effie.

I can be pushed just so far and no further.

Egbert, get dressed.

I'm sending you over to fetch Ruggles.

Now look-a-here!

I ain't gonna have no English valet.

- Oh, yes, you are.

- No, I ain't.

I got about as much use for one of them

as a pig has for side pockets.

I'm going to turn you into a gentleman

if it kills me.

Well, you can't do it by hirin' a man

to give me a bath and dress me.

I can button myself up.

I been doin' it for years.

You don't seem to realise

what this would mean to us socially.

- How? How socially?

- Why, in Red Gap.

It will give us, er...tone, joie de vivre.

What's that?

It...um...er...tone.

To have him there.

Havin' who?

Effie, you ain't aimin' on taking Ruggles

to Red Gap?

I certainly am.

Egbert, get your clothes on.

Now look-a-here, Effie.

I can be pushed just so far and no further.

Egbert. Get your clothes on.

Well, why? Why?

Uh...why?

Ruggles, how are you

about, er...shocks?

- Shocks, my lord?

- Yes, you know, shocks. Upheavals.

Er...you've always stood up under them

pretty well, haven't you?

- I trust I have, my lord.

- Yes, I remember.

You...you were very firm

with that Spanish girl.

- She was a dancer, wasn't she?

- Quite so, my lord.

Yes, unaccountable number

of Spanish dancers in Madrid.

Rather more than in most places

we've been, my lord.

- Ah, yes.

- Rather a pippin, wasn't she?

- Oh, rather, yes.

- Prettier than the typist person.

Oh, much, yes.

Yes, I nearly chucked everything

and went to...went to America with her.

America would never do for you,

my lord.

I don't know. A lot of opportunities

over there, the right kind of fellow.

I... You'll do very well for yourself

there, I think, Ruggles.

Me, my lord?

Oh, yes. Yes, I forgot to tell you.

You're...you're going out to America.

America, my lord?

A country of slavery.

Oh, that's all finished, I believe.

Some fellow called Pocahontas

or something

did something about it or...or other.

- Indeed, my lord?

- Mm.

Would it be North or South America,

my lord?

Oh. Oh, North, I think it is.

Somewhere on the West Coast.

Idaho or Omaha,

one of those Indian places.

- The chap's a sort of a millionaire.

- The chap, my lord?

Yes, plenty of money, you know.

Mines, lumber,

domestic animals and that sort of thing.

His wife took quite a fancy to you

and, er...so they've...

won you.

- Won me, my lord?

- Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. We were playing this game

of drawing poker, you see.

It seems there's a thing called bluffing

and, though I say it myself,

I'm particularly good at it.

Do I understand...

...that I was the stake, my lord?

Oh, yes, yes. Rather, yes.

Ha-ha. Yes. You see, I didn't realise

that they were bluffing too.

I...I had three of the eights

against a flush of clubs.

So, you really only lost by one eight.

- Indeed, my lord?

- Oh, yes.

I do hope you don't think I didn't lose you

gamely as a gentleman should, Ruggles.

North America, my lord.

Quite an untamed country,

I understand.

Yes, I expect so, yes.

Oh, yes, that must be Mr Floud

come to collect you, Ruggles.

Yes.

Yes, thank you, Ruggles.

Come in, sir.

Well, how are you, Mr Ruggles?

Well, how do?

Er...good morning, sir.

Won't you be seated, sir?

Yeah, thanks.

Now, er...

now look-a-here, Mr Ruggles.

I want you to understand that

this wasn't my idea at all, you know.

- This was Effie's.

- So I understand, sir.

Yes, sir, when she gets

her mind set on something,

she's a wildcat, believe me.

I have no reason to doubt you, sir.

- Well, well, you old tarantula!

- Oh.

- Well, how...how you coming?

- Hello, hello, hello, hello.

I...I guess

you know what I'm here for.

Yes, I do, yes.

Well, I ain't any more joyouser about it

than you are.

But...but you know Effie. Hm.

I tell you, when she gets riled up,

she'd fight a rattlesnake

and give it the first two bites.

I fancy you'll find Ruggles fairish enough.

Oh, that's all right, Earl.

Your word's good enough for me.

Er...well, I don't want to hurry you there,

Bill, but you'd better pack your grip.

- Pack my grip, sir?

- Yeah.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.

You ain't got time. Effie's in a hurry.

You'd better check in first

and then pick up your duds later, see?

Very good, sir.

Is there anything further

I can do for you, my lord?

I fancy not, Ruggles, no.

This is rather sudden, isn't it?

Well, bound to be sudden,

you know, a thing like this, I mean.

I can't help worrying about

what will happen to you, my lord.

Oh, Ruggles, don't. I'll be all right.

Be rather fun dressing myself, I expect.

I hope you will enjoy it, my lord.

Oh, of course I shall.

- Your digestive tablets.

- Oh, yes.

You ought to take your two.

Yes, well...well, goodbye, Ruggles.

And look after yourself

and all that sort of thing.

- Yes, my lord. Thank you, my lord.

- Oh, don't thank me.

- I ought to thank you, really.

- No, my lord.

I am ready, sir.

Eh?

Oh, yes, yes, sure.

It's kind of sad, ain't it?

Well, so long, Earl. Keep your head up.

Goodbye, Floud.

Thank you.

Goodbye, my lord.

He has the worst taste

of any man I ever knew.

- To the cleaner, madame?

- To the cleaner?

I want the whole lot

taken out and burned.

- Burned, madame?

- Burned to ashes.

- And then burn the ashes.

- Oui, madame.

My husband is to have

an entirely new outfit.

Er...will you look at that?

He liked that so well,

he bought two of them.

Even the moths wouldn't eat those.

Come on, Bill, come on, come on.

Stir your stumps.

Hey, hey, hey!

Where you going with my clothes?

Well, maybe...maybe

she's gonna get 'em pressed.

Well, this is the place.

Here we go. Here...

Where are you? Where...

- Well, go ahead in.

- After you, sir.

- Well, go on, go on.

- Oh, no, sir.

Er...you're too darned polite.

Effie! Effie!

Come on in, Bill.

Make yourself at home. Effie!

Er...we got company.

Well, Ruggles, here you are.

Oh, I'm so delighted I got you.

I've had my eye on you

ever since I met His Lordship.

I do hope and trust you're going to like it

with us, both here and in Red Gap.

Red Gap, madam?

Er...yes, our home town, you know,

in the state of Washington.

It's a little, er...

bourgeoisie, I'm afraid,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote