Ruggles of Red Gap Page #2

but I think you'll find a few of us who

still really care about what's happening

in the, er... haut monde.

Ah, indubitably, madam.

Oh, what beautiful French you speak,

Ruggles.

- Effie!

- Yes?

Effie, what's that hired girl

gonna do with my clothes?

Never mind.

Now, Ruggles, the first thing

we have to do is take Mr Floud out

and get him a whole new outfit.

Now, what for?

Now, what's the matter with my clothes?

They're all right.

Bill said so, didn't you, Bill?

Er...Egbert.

I let him dress himself

according to his own taste today...

...and you see

what he looks like.

Do you think we can do

anything about him, Ruggles?

I dare say he could be

smartened up a bit, madam.

Well, I'll dare say more than that.

I can be pushed just so far and...

Egbert, you listen to me.

Look at his tie.

You see what I mean?

His appearance is so disgraceful, I...

I hate to take him any place.

Yeah, you ought to see

some of the places she...

Egbert, you'll do as you're told.

Come along.

Your hat, sir.

Now, you see what I meant about

the wildcat and rattlesnake, don't you?

Look here, now, you go easy

on this clothes business

- and remember I like checks.

- Egbert.

- Go ahead.

- After you, sir.

- No, no. Go on, go on.

- Oh, no, no, sir.

What, are we gonna do this

all over again?

Madame, what, er...

what can I do for you today?

We want a lot of things

for the gentleman.

- Ah, for the gentleman?

- This is the gentleman.

Ah.

Oh, something...something similar

to what he's wearing?

Similar to... What is this,

a second-hand store?

Oh, no, madame!

You see, he got these clothes

under the most peculiar circumstances.

You see, he...

Mm.

The gentleman's present condition

is purely the result of an accident.

The gentleman's hotel

burned down during the night.

The gentleman rushed from the burning

building in, er...the altogether.

Wait, wait, wait! What is all this?

The gentleman was forced to accept

the loan of garments from onlookers.

All circus people!

Now I understand the gentleman's

ridiculous appearance!

Well, you...you ain't

no geranium yourself.

Egbert.

Would you be kind enough to show us

something in morning coats?

Morning coats?

Mais oui, monsieur. Un moment.

Try to walk, Egbert.

What do you think of him, Ruggles?

In the main, madam,

I am not dissatisfied.

I think he looks very distingu.

Gay nothing. I look like that bantam

rooster I had before it was run over.

When you came in here,

you looked like that bantam rooster

after he was run over.

Voil, monsieur, the spats!

Oh, now, look-a-here, Bill! Now,

I don't have to wear them things, do I?

Spats, sir, mark the difference

between a man well turned out

and a man merely dressed.

Now, Egbert, go over and sit down

and be well turned out.

No, sir, I won't wear 'em.

I won't wear 'em.

They'll make me look like

my drawers were hanging down.

- Monsieur!

- No, sir.

I can be pushed just so far

and no further!

- Monsieur! Un moment!

- Egbert! Egbert!

Ruggles, Ruggles, go...go catch him!

Oh, dear!

Why, Egbert,

you look like a different man!

Yeah, maybe I'd better change

my name.

Here, here, here, here!

What are you gonna do now?

- We're...we're going to trim it.

- Oh, no, you won't!

But, Egbert, it doesn't go with the spats.

I don't care. That moustache

is gonna stay just the way it is.

What would the fellows say in Red Gap,

if they saw me come home

with a cut moustache?

No, sir, you don't go and get...

All right, all right, you can chew the rag

about it as much as you want.

I ain't gonna let you do it.

It took me 20 years

to build up this moustache

and I ain't gonna have

nobody monkey with it now.

Oh, Egbert!

Oh, Effie!

- Hm.

- Oh, madam!

Gah!

Oh, Bill!

Effie, I wouldn't do that to a dog.

Look, Egbert, isn't it nice?

- How do you like it, monsieur?

- Well, I don't know. Let me see.

How would you like it?

Monsieur!

- Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

I'm gonna find myself a closet

so that I can hide in it.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're going with Ruggles.

Now, come along.

Come on, get out there.

I wish you'd make up your mind, Effie.

Oh, Ruggles?

While I do some shopping, you might

spend a few hours with Egbert...

I mean Mr Floud, in the art galleries.

Art galleries? Yes, madam.

Yes, he's been writing down a few

of his impressions in this little book.

Art, it seems,

is Egbert's emotional outlet.

Get him home early, Ruggles.

We have a few very important people

coming in for dinner.

And see that he acts like a gentleman,

if you have to hog-tie him.

Place Vendme!

Er...goodbye...goodbye, Effie.

Goodbye.

We have a common sympathy in

the pictorial arts, if I may say so, sir.

- Mm-hm?

- Shall we stroll towards the Louvre?

Wait a minute. She'll be

around the corner in a minute.

Now.

Come on, let's grab a table.

Madam instructed me to conduct you

to the art galleries, sir.

Well...well, you wouldn't know it,

but this is it. Come on.

- Hey, Max! Oh, Max?

- Oui, monsieur.

- Max, bring me my book, you know...

- Oui, monsieur.

They keep my book handy here for me.

- I...I got a system.

- Oh!

Oh, monsieur, qu'il est grand!

Quelle surprise!

Yeah, yeah, they tricked me.

- That's it, Max, now, give me a pencil.

- Oui, monsieur.

- And give us a couple of beers.

- Oui, monsieur, oui, oui.

Now, here's what I do, Bill, see?

I copy out of this here big book

into this here little one,

and then I show Effie

how much I learned at the art galleries.

Yes, sir, but I fail to see how you are

to acquire culture in this way, sir.

Well, I don't know. I been getting away

with it ever since I come to Paris.

Now, look, you write it this time and

that'll make it stronger with Effie, see?

And pick out something good,

something in the middle there,

about, "Here lies the true lovers of art

entranced" or something.

Here is displayed

in its full flower, sir...

Well, sit down, sit down.

You can't write standing up.

- Sit down.

- Oh, no, sir.

Oh. Oh, I know

what's the matter with you.

You think I'm mad at you on account

of these clothes and everything, huh?

Well, I ain't.

I may be a little mad at Effie, but I ain't

mad at you. Now, go on, sit down.

There is a certain difference

in our walks of life, sir,

which makes it impossible for me to sit

at the same table with yourself, sir.

Well, you ain't ashamed to sit here,

are you?

Ashamed? It isn't that, sir.

It just doesn't do for a gentleman's

servant to sit with his superiors, sir.

Superiors, nothing. You're as good as I am,

and I'm as good as you are, ain't I?

- Well, sir...

- Well, ain't I?

Er...yes, sir.

Well, then, what's eatin' you? Sit down

and take the weight off your shoes.

There. There you are, you see?

That didn't hurt, did it?

Mm. Mac, that's just

what we've been waiting for.

Aha!

Well, here you go, Colonel.

Here's, er...spying on you.

Well, ain't you gonna drink with me?

What's the matter with you?

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