Ruggles of Red Gap Page #3

Don't you ever have no fun?

Ain't you happy?

Well, don't you ever smile?

Well, that ain't much of a smile.

Don't you feel good?

I'm in perfect health, sir,

but it is rather a shock to find oneself

breaking the tradition of generations.

Well, don't let it throw you, Colonel.

Come on.

Excuse me, sir, but you must remember

to address me as Ruggles, sir,

and not as Colonel or as Bill or as

Mr Ruggles, as you've been doing, sir.

Now, why?

Why can't I call you Colonel?

If we were overheard, sir,

people might take us to be equals.

Well, listen. Where I come from,

everybody is equal, see?

Ah, that may be

all very well for America, sir,

but it would never do with us.

Well, let's not get into no more argument

about it. We got work to do.

And then we can settle down

to some real drinking.

Where was we in that book there?

"Here is displayed in its full flower",

sir, "that ruthless realism

"happily alternated

by a superbly subtle delicacy..."

Wait a minute! Hey, Jeff!

- Hey, Jeff!

- Hold her, Newt!

Hey, Jeff Tuttle!

Yee-hoo!

You old Sourdough!

Giddy-up! Now whoa!

Whoa, whoa, you old...

Whoa, my old...

No, wait a minute. I want you

to meet a friend of mine, Bill!

Er...hey, Bill! Bill, where are you?

Er...hey, Bill!

Come on down here!

I want you to meet somebody!

Come on, Bill, come on!

You know, I thought maybe you wouldn't

recognise me in my new beadwork here.

Me not know you, you old Sourdough?

You old longhorn, you!

Oh, Colonel Ruggles,

I want you to meet up with Jeff Tuttle

from Red Gap,

State of Washington, USA.

Pleased to meet you, Colonel.

I have no military title whatsoever, sir,

never having served in His Majesty's

forces, not even in the ranks.

Any friend of Sourdough's

is all right with me.

Say, what's the matter with sitting down?

Why, sure, sure. Pull up a chair there,

Colonel, pull up a chair.

No, pull up one for yourself.

- Where did you get this?

- Yeah, well, Effie done that to me.

Wait till I show it to you. Look at that.

Big Chief High Hat!

Here you are, Colonel,

shove those somewhere.

Well, you old stinging lizard,

where did you turn up from?

Europe.

We been all over Europe and Italy.

Cathedrals.

Just one church after another.

And say! How about a little drink?

Ha! Well, beer's the only thing I know

how to say in these here French joints.

- You leave that to me. Here, boy!

- Oui, monsieur?

Veesky soda.

That's French for highball.

You have to do that...

Well, how did you ever learn that?

Well, it took me some time

to get the accent.

I think we ought to be

getting along home, sir.

Hey, wait a minute!

We just met. Squattz-vous.

We have important people

coming to dinner, sir,

and we have definite instructions

from Madam.

Yeah, he means Effie.

You know how she is.

- That woman could bite through nails.

- Yes, she chews 'em instead of gum.

Here you go, Maxie,

that's what we been waitin' for.

Now bring three more, er...veesky soda.

- Look, look, like...

- Oui, monsieur.

Yeah, he got me right away.

Let's make it harder next time.

You old mustang!

You old coyote!

Here's looking at you!

Come on, come on, Colonel.

Wrap your paw around that there glass.

- Yahoo!

- Yippee!

You old horned toad.

- You old maverick.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Yippee!

- What's the matter with a little grub?

- Yeah, a little grub.

Hey, George. Er...Max.

All restaurant.

Ask him if he's got some ham and eggs.

Er...voulez-vous...er...hammy eggie?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, monsieur?

The man don't even know

his own language.

Hammy eggie?

Gee, that's beautiful French,

beautiful French.

And after that we'll take a little drive

to some of the well-known

points of interest.

- Sure, sure, but no art galleries.

- And no churches.

No, and no clothing stores.

And no churches.

And... You said that before.

I wonder what we'll get

instead of ham and eggs.

Yahoo!

Well, by crikey,

I didn't know he had it in him!

You should never let him

get in this condition.

Why, the man's pickled!

Oh, it always affects him this way.

It's terrible.

I beg your pardon, sir.

- Look out, Jeff, grab him!

- I got him, I got him!

He's a tough hombre

when he gets started.

Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

You see there? You see?

There he goes again.

We gotta get him out in the fresh air.

It's too hot for him in here.

You go pay the cheque, Jeff.

I'll grab him.

- Oui.

- I'll grab him, I'll grab him.

Come on. Come on there, Bill. Come

on, Colonel. That's it. Now, take it easy.

Here, here, here, here!

Now, don't try no rough stuff.

We got you outnumbered.

Hey, cab!

Er...give us one with a horse on it.

Come on, now. Come on, steady there.

Come on, steady now,

steady now, Colonel. Steady.

- After you, sir.

- Here...here we go with this again.

- Go on in there.

- After you, sir.

- Go on in now.

- After you, sir.

Get in that cab. What do...

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Yeah. Yeah.

We'll...we'll tell you where in a minute.

We're havin' a meetin'.

Oh, here we...

Now, will you get in that cab?

You won't get in, eh?

Well, there ought to be

some way out of this. Let's see.

- You don't mind waiting, do you?

- No, no.

Er...now, that's not fair.

You ain't thinkin'.

Aw...go on, let him have his own way.

Oh, all right.

- Voulez-vous, any place.

- Yahoo!

So nice of you to have come.

I only wish you'd met my husband.

I can't imagine

what could have detained him.

- Yahoo!

- Shh!

Oh!

Shh. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Keep him quiet.

- Jeff Tuttle from Red Gap!

- Shh! Shh!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Quiet, now, quiet!

- We...we gotta sneak in.

- Shh!

- Shh.

- Now, you see? We made it.

- Whoo!

- Shh. Keep him quiet, Jeff, go on.

- Quiet now, quiet.

- Oh!

Well, hello, Effie.

- It's Effie, boys.

- Hello, Effie.

- Egbert, what does this mean?

- Well, you...you...

Effie, you have no idea the trouble

we had with the Colonel here.

It come on him when we were in

the art galleries. Er...hold him up, Jeff.

- I got him, I got him.

- You see what I mean?

He's a nice fellow too. It's a shame.

You'll excuse him, will you, folks?

Je suis mortife.

I'm trs amazed.

Adieu, Mr Standfans.

- Bonsoir, madame.

- Bonsoir, madame.

- Adieu!

- We've had such a lovely evening.

- Bonsoir, madame.

- Bonsoir, madame.

Effie?

Erm...Effie?

Er...I...

There...there you are.

Now you see? You see what I mean?

He's a man who should never have

liquor. It brings out the beast in him.

- Whoo!

- Oh.

I suppose you two haven't been drinking.

- No!

- Yes.

Well, we had to. He...he made us.

Yes, he pulled a long knife on us.

- I want to speak to Ruggles alone.

- Uh-oh.

Do you think it's safe

to leave her alone with him?

- Don't worry about me.

- Well, I don't know, Effie.

After all, you know, you're...

you're all I've got.

Now look-a-here, Ruggles.

I'm warning you.

Er...one false move and, er...

you understand?

- Yippee.

- Well, that's better.

- What did he say?

- He said yippee.

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