Rzhevskiy protiv Napoleona

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STUDIO:

BLOCK 95

LEOPOLIS:

TERRITORY OF CINEMA .

Rzhevsky against Napoleon.

Lieutenant

Rzhevsky.

Napoleon Bonaparte

or just 'Bonya'.

Natasha Rostova.

Prince

Bagratyon -of Abkhazia.

Marquis

De Mazosad -yan.

Kutuzov.

Count Tolstoy

or just 'Classic'.

Captain

of the Guard.

Zhuzhu

40-year-old virgin.

Marshal

Ney - Gay.

Our story, ladies and gentlemen,

begins in Paris.

At that time, Paris was

known as the capital of the world.

While Moscow fell on ruinous times,

in Paris reigned

the famous Napoleon.

Meet the French emperor:

Napoleon Bonaparte.

A brilliant strategist,

first-rate commander

and a big fan of women.

LE "Canon"

Sir, I don't want to

bother you, but...

My horse!

Hurrah!

Hurrah!

Hurrah!

But the great emperor had

one small flaw.

For such a big personality,

he had a very small shoe size.

It caused him a

horrible complex.

And this complex would drive

the Corsican across Schengen Europe,

from state to state.

"Size does not matter"

-he said...

And he won on

all fronts.

And in love too,

Of course.

Love makes the world go round.

or rather, 'libido',

in modern terms.

So driven by an insatiable libido,

this midget & enslaver

arrived in the country

where live the most beautiful women in the world.

But here, his libido would soon be clipped.

WELCOME TO RUSSIA

Hurrah! Russia!

Yes, yes ...

- Field Marshal Sir.

The French are at the gates of Moscow.

- Dismissed.

What do you say, gentlemen officers?

If we fight now, we lose an army.

If we lose the capital,

we lose our honor.

I suggest, lose the honor.

Your excellency, why do we need Moscow?

The capital has no gas mains, no gasoline, not even oxygen to breathe.

Congestion in the streets?

The Kremlin without the Tsar's Bell

is like a big 'F*** you!'

All right.

So it shall be. We will allow

the enemy the capital.

Cheers to that!

I just think that Napoleon won't satisfy himself

to chew and spit in Moscow.

He will go on, to the Urals.

I want to bog him down in Moscow

all the way to ...

the tops of his boots.

-Ideas?

How about sending a spy? With our

women he will be as bogged as a swamp.

We have already sent them multiple times.

A woman's conversation with Napoleon is short. Look.

Here you go.

So, now we have to

pay her compensation.

And this is the end result.

-So, our spy

must be a super woman.

She must be able to hook up,

and not get pregnant.

-I have an idea.

Madam, how many times must I tell you?

I cannot go for so long without air!

Lieutenant Rzhevsky.

Pack up your things, Lieutenant.

You're going with me.

Personal order of the Emperor.

Aha! Here we go.

And where was the Emperor,

When they threw me into this hell?

You looking for trouble?

-Get out, you fool!

And why did it happen?

-Why?

You slept the battle.

-The task was weighing on me terribly

of raising the birth rate of the state!

Enough! There is no need

to stew on the past.

The Fatherland is in danger.

And it's your job

to defend the homeland.

-Homeland...

The Homeland is my weakness.

In short,

the high command has issued a task,

at all costs to keep

Napoleon in Moscow.

That's it.

-But it requires a woman.

And who is this?

-You.

Me?

-Yes.

I, a Russian officer, must every day

change my pants for panties?

Never!

-I understand. It is difficult.

But it is necessary for the Fatherland.

-And now for the Fatherland,

I must park my horse screwy?

-It's war!

And each has its own front.

-So you may order me

to give myself to Bonaparte?

If there is such an order, you'll do it!

But, if you fulfill the task,

you will be awarded a medal.

"Flowers in the sun, my Georgia!"

I will make you such a feast!

barbeque, lamb ...

What kind of country is this?

Only with a medal,

is a man's work rewarded?

-And? Do you accept?

Lieutenant!

All agreed,

just take me away.

And here we are in the Kremlin,

the most elite neighborhood.

Five minutes away is the parking for coaches.

Quiet neighbors- very quiet.

Security is almost perfect.

For the entire history of the Kremlin,

only two kings have been killed here.

Let's go inside, sir.

The floor is parquet.

New plumbing.

The bathroom is separate.

The bathroom is on the first floor,

toilet on the third.

It's nice, really nice,

if only it were a little cheaper?

This is not Paris-

this is Moscow.

Imperial bed, another

advantage of this option.

Would you like to try out the mattress?

Zhuzhu!

Look at the other rooms now,

I will review the bedroom.

If you buy, I will demonstrate

the feather mattress for you.

We'll take it.

Hello, "Left-hand"!

-Sir, I'm not deaf.

I'm cross-eyed.

-Forgive me, son, I always forget.

It's our pride.

Many years of research.

Millions from the budget.

Hundreds of the best minds,

worked on this specimen.

The cap of invisibility, gentlemen.

Needs further work.

Collapsible Sword.

Goldfish.

-Yes.

Three wishes?

-No, this one gives only one.

Damaged.

-Flying carpet.

Go!

Do you have a magical tablecloth?

Here!

So ... Where's the vodka?

-We have only the non-alcoholic version left.

I do not know what this is,

but I feel that I will need it for

security. Give me fifty.

Fifty- one.

Lieutenant!

Well, it's time,

Get in the top.

In what sense the top,

Your Excellency?

Towards Moscow we will 'ignite'!

What do you mean 'ignite'?

Like sparks from a man's eyes!

As soon as you get there,

Find a man who calls himself Count.

He heads the resistance movement.

He will give you further instructions.

I do not agree. Take me back.

I will not go into the cannon!

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

-Where are you?

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

Lieutenant! Take me with you.

I got divorced from my husband,

and now I completely belong to you.

-Fire!

Take me with you.

-Fire, Fire!

Dear Muscovites,

and uninvited guests of our city.

For a few rubles you can

get in on this exclusive tour,

of our capital before the fire.

I swear on my mother I didn't see.

Yesterday I checked,

and now the seal is gone.

Please, we'll go home, we'll talk!

Bollocks! Bastards!

As soon as I get there,

I'll make you pay for this!

I need your clothes.

Hasta la vista, woman.

Yes, this is Rzhevsky.

So.

Count LN Tolstoy

WAR AND PEACE.

Count Lev Nikolayevich, you?

-Do I know you?

Sure.

Your portrait is printed,

even in my fifth grade textbook.

-So you recognize me? Bravo!

So, you are the man

from the high command?

Yes. Lieutenant Rzhevsky,

ready for the task.

Vaat should I do?

-What?

I'm asking, vaat should I do?

-Firstly, you must pronounce correctly

'what', not 'vaat'.

-Do not mess with this lady, grandpa.

You're a 'lady',

is that right?

Scarecrow! Have you seen

yourself in the mirror? Barnyard hen!

Look, do not call me names, or I'll forget

your frailness. I'll mash your face so,

that you yourself will confuse it for Alexey's.

-Demyan!

I remember you complaining

that for three years you haven't seen a woman?

So what?

-Do you want this? Take it!

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