Saved!

I've been born-again

my whole life.

Accepting Jesus into your heart

and getting saved is a big decision...

...especially for a three-year-old.

My faith taught me that everything

was a part of God's plan.

Mom said that he even had a reason

for taking my father to heaven.

She explained

that Daddy was with the angels.

Well, I wanted

to be with the angels, too.

But God had other plans.

Jesus became

the center of my life.

I still don't think

he's supposed to be white,

- I was watching this thing on television--

- Of course, he's white,

Gosh, Sometimes I think

my brother's retarded, too,

No, your brother's not retarded,

I was a member in good standing

of the Christian Jewels.

It's sort of like

a girl gang for Jesus.

Don't kill your baby!

Lillian Cummings,

My mom was finally named

the number one

Christian interior decorator

for the entire region.

And in spite of living

in what the Bible calls "the end times, "

my future was looking bright.

I had the perfect Christian boyfriend.

And I was about to be a senior

at a really good Christian school.

Two weeks before

summer vacation ended,

everything changed.

My boyfriend and I

played this game

of telling each other

secrets underwater.

It's lame, I know.

But this wasn't exactly

the MTV Beach House.

Okay, now my turn,

Okay, ready?

Mary!

Maybe it was

because I was drowning,

or the shock

of Dean's confession...

...but at that moment,

I had a vision.

Dean needs you now,

You must do all you can

to help him,

It's just a Iittle bump, Mom,

I'm totally fine,

Okay, all right.

Mom was away at the Christian

Community Leader's Convention

in Orlando with Pastor Skip--

the principal of my school.

- Honey?

- Mom,

You didn't tell me

Pastor Skip was so nice,

Yeah, everybody loves him.

We've been talking about setting up

our own fellowship programs

when I get back to Cherry Hill.

- I have to go.

- Come and get it.

Come and get it.

Love you,

- I love you, too.

- Bye,

What's shaking, Skip?

How could my boyfriend be gay?

He's, like,

the best Christian I know.

He's an athlete who's

constantly strengthening himself--

physically, creatively,

and spiritually for the Lord.

Thank you, Jesus,

Why had he been stricken

with such a spiritually toxic affliction?

I figured I needed to take

the most direct approach to saving him.

I mean,

it was Christ's will and all.

Jesus spoke to you?

In person?

He trusts me,

Okay? You're just gonna

have to trust me, too,

- Just kiss me, okay?

- Okay,

Dean and I worked diligently

on his problem

for the rest of the summer.

Anything yet?

Now?

Are you sure this isn't a sin?

I was pretty sure

what we were doing wasn't a sin,

but not sure enough

to give Dean what he really needed.

I needed spiritual guidance

or a sign or something, and quick.

Hilary Faye seemed to have

a spiritual solution for every problem.

Christian girls have got to know

how to protect themselves,

I mean, sure, Jesus could restore

my physical and spiritual virginity,

especially if I Iost it

to some rapist, but,,,

who wants that?

I'm saving myself until marriage,

and I'II use force if necessary,

What's all that about

restoring your virginity?

I mean, physically,

you're a virgin once,

Yeah, and it's not about reversing

the violation of your blessed womb,

It's about Jesus

granting you a virginal heart,

That way, you're pure again,

Do it,

My next move was clear.

Nice,

You're getting the hang of it,

How are you doing?

What's going on?

What's going on?

Sure, it was a radical step,

but why else had Jesus

directed me to the gun range?

Thank you, Jesus,

Having asked Jesus to restore

my emotional and spiritual virginity

in exchange for curing Dean,

I started my senioryear

with all of that behind me.

This new van is amazing,

Thanks,

It's official,

The Christian Jewels--

I bought one for everybody,

Pin it on,

I wanna see it,

It's terrific, Hilary Faye,

Thank you,

You're welcome,

Hi, Roland,

How was your summer?

- What?

- Your summer, how was it?

Well, I went rollerblading,

water-skiing, Iearned to kickbox,

You know, the usual,

Why do you have to make people feel so

awkward about your differently-abledness?

I'm sorry, I really don't know

what's gotten into him,

Here's the latest from Godflight.

I Iove these guys,

They are totally

Jesus-centric and gorgeous,

Veronica was

adopted by her parents

when they were

missionaries in Vietnam.

Hilary Faye sees her

as an example of God's will

triumphing over

a savage, godless nation.

So what do you think

of the new ride?

You're so Iucky, Hilary Faye,

Yeah, I could've had

a Lexus gold edition, you know,

Roland is blessed

with such a thoughtful sister,

In countries Iike China, Hilary Faye

probably would've been killed at birth,

And then where

would you be, Roland?

China,

Welcome,

You're one of us now,

- What?!

- Come on, pin it on,

You guys, I'm not gonna have

any time to warm up now,

- You will,

- Where's Dean?

He knows I have to sing

at assembly this morning,

He's coming,

Can you go check?

Move him along a Iittle bit?

- Yeah,

- Thank you,

Not a problem,

Is Dean ready?

I,,,

I found this

under Dean's bed Iast night,

He's on his way

to Mercy House this morning,

He could be gone a Iong time,

We thought you should know,

But,,,

I'm so sorry, Mary,

Let's go,

Is he coming out, or not?

Not,

Mercy House

is a Christian treatment facility

where they deal with

everything from drug abuse,

to alcoholism, to de-gayification,

and unwed mothers.

I need to tell you guys something,

What? It wasn't Iike it was

some kind of secret,

The guy was Iike

a one-man gay pride parade,

You know, we've never

had a gay at American Eagle,

We're not gonna

tell anyone, okay?

Sure,

Hilary Faye,

- You promised me,

- Yeah, that's fine,

What if you had married him?

The gayness would be

passed on to your children,

Cassandra Edelstein was the only

Jewish to ever attend American Eagles.

She transferred in last year

amid rumors that she was a stripper.

Everyone wanted to get her saved,

especially Hilary Faye.

Hi, Cass,

Welcome back,

Smoking isn't just bad for you,

it's bad for all of us,

Secondhand smoke kills,

I'm counting on it,

Oh, my gosh!

Hilary Faye, are you okay?!

I bet she doesn't even have

a handicap permit for her car,

And I'm right!

Oh, my God,

Come on, We don't want to be Iate

for homeroom, okay?

Let's get to class,

- Hi, Matt,

- Hey,

- I'm a Jewel,

- Oh, it's awesome!

Hey, guys, guess what?

I think Jesus appeared to me

in my fish tank, and he--

It's okay, it didn't move,

The tank's kinda dirty

and most of the fish are dead,

but my mom said if you guys--

Okay, Tia, thanks,

- I'II see you after class,

- I'II talk to you guys after class,

I hope you all

Iet God use you as a vessel

for his divine plan this summer,

I'm sure by now most of you

have noticed the beautiful billboard

designed and painted

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