Saved! Page #2

by our own Hilary Faye

and donated by her father,

Thank you,

Mary helped,

And speaking of new additions, class,

I'd Iike you to welcome Patrick Wheeler,

Most of the boys in school looked

like NASA employees, not Patrick.

There had to be a catch.

Patrick is Pastor Skip's son,

He's been in South America

doing missionary work with his mother,

and this summer

he just completed a world tour

with the Christian

skateboard association,

Nice,

Out there hitting the board

for the Lord?

Is nothing sacred to you people?

Before this morning's assembly,

why don't we catch up

on what everyone did this summer?

Mary, Iet's start with you,

AII right, everyone,

put your hands together

for the Christian Jewels!

Some of the words to myself

would make the clouds disappear

If you were gone,

what would I become?

You're so good to me

I mean that,

Oh, clarity

Dear God

A Iittle piece of Heaven

A Iittle piece of Heaven

in my world

So, I figured they would've

sent you to a special school by now,

This is a special school,

No,

I fell out of a tree

when I was nine,

Hilary Faye found me,

She calls it

the miracle that saved my Iife,

The miracle

you could've used

would've been not falling out

of the tree in the first place,

Sorry,

Is that why

you're behind a year?

Yeah,

We should get back inside,

Nice,

- You want a push?

- Thanks,

If you stare at my ass again,

I will push you off a cliff,

Thank you, Jesus,

Amen,

AII right!

Welcome to

the first assembly of the year!

Give it up,

The Lord Jesus is in the house!

Let's get our Christ on,

Let's kick it Jesus style,

Y'all wanna walk

with the ultimate rebel, right?

The ultimate CEO,

The biggest celebrity of them all,

Who's down with G,O,D?

I'm down with the G,O,D!

That's right!

Jesus Rules!

Jesus Rules!

Let's pray,

Lord, we're gonna have

an awesome school year

here at American Eagles

Christian High,,,

I know I'm not supposed

to ask for specifics, Lord,

Iike when I prayed for an expensive car

and got the handicapper van instead,

but I want this to be

the best year ever.

And between you and me...

...I think you'll agree

I totally deserve it.

Thank you for sparing me from

the eternal hellfires of damnation.

I'm sorry I let that Promise Maker guy

touch me in the rectory.

Daddy still hasn't stopped drinking,

but I know you're working on it.

And I really want to be a Jewel.

I wonder if rollerboy's paralyzed

everywhere below the waist.

Oh, yeah, she digs me.

Please, Jesus,

don't let Dad humiliate me.

Those Jesus freaks

are on to something,

Especially in front of her.

About Dean and I,

I thought we had a deal.

Why is he at Mercy House?

You did restore me, right?

And keep our president safe,

Amen,

Now, who wants to come down here

and give their heart to the Lord?

Who wants to start the year

off right and get saved?

A Iot of temptations

over the summer,

I bet some of you folks

backslid just a Iittle,

Who wants to recommit

themselves to the Lord?

There we go!

AII right,

AII right,

Praise Jesus,

Fantastic,

Praise Jesus,

Come on down,

- There you go,

- Awesome,

Welcome home,

Welcome home to Jesus,

Welcome to his home,

Jesus Ioves you,

Praise Jesus,

Accept him into your heart,

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Bear witness,

She's speaking

God's Iove Ianguage, folks!

Oh, my God,

The Jew girl's speaking in tongues!

She's gonna show her b*obs,

Thank you, Jesus,

She is!

She's gonna show her b*obs!

Mahh possie is a hot pooosie!

Mahh hotta pooosie!

Mahh possie is a hot pooosie!

Mahh possie is a hot pooosie!

She's saying

she's got a hot--

After that, Cassandra's status

went from a cautionary tale to legend.

It seemed like there was no act

too vulgar to get her expelled.

The more she acted out...

...the more Hilary Faye

wanted to get her saved.

I am totally glad she wasn't expelled,

Her actions are such a cry for help,

She may not know this now,

but she is Iike--

she's Iike that much closer

to accepting Jesus in her heart, right?

Seriously, she could be some poor savage

in some remote jungle somewhere

who will never know the Lord

and who will never go to Heaven, ever,

I think that's why God has missionaries

Iike Patrick to spread his word,

Yeah,

What's up, guys?

- You're Mary, right?

- Here's your board,

- Thanks, bro,

- Yeah,

You played the keyboard

during assembly, That was really cool,

- Thanks,

- Isn't she great?

She knows just how to compliment my

vocal stylings without overpowering them,

We were just talking about

all your missionary work, It's so great,

So, Iike, what part of the world

has the worst heathens?

'Cause I'm so interested in that,

Honestly, I couldn't say,

Mostly, I just stuck to skating,

No, but how many of them

did you actually save, do you think?

Guys, I totally scored

some free stuff for you,

Thank you, Tia,

Piss off, a**hole!

And another thing--

no more muffin for you,

The muffin shop is closed!

- Come on,

- Oh, my gosh,

She is in worse shape

than I ever could have imagined, right?

We need to show her

just how cool we Christians can be,

- Totally,

- Let's start the Iaughing,

Now!

Cass, come join us,

We're just--

Do you wanna go wait in the van again?

Do you know these are new pants!

You're handicapped,

but get it together,

Hey, Roland,

how about we get outta here,

and you can give me

a Iittle spin in that thing?

Release his parking brake,

Hilary "Fake,"

You smell Iike Tia's dad,

Have you been drinking?

Come on, Careful,

I'm having a vision

of the Virgin Mary,

Cassandra, are you all right?

What she needs to do

is accept Jesus into her heart,

I thinkwhat she needs

is a ride home,

- I'II take her,

- I'II help you, then,

Come on, Cassandra,

No, no, Iet go of the pizza,

Get off of me!

Helping Patrick

haul Cassandra out of the mall

was Iike the most perfect

God-centered moment,

You really Iearn a Iot about a boy

when you're servicing the Lord,

Hilary Faye, I can see your pad,

- I can see a Iittle bit of it right--

- Quit it!

SIowly raise up through the knees,

still bent at the waist, and roll to standing,

Good,

And twist and hold,

Come on,

Keep holding,

I know what you're Iooking at, Mary,

And Jesus does, too,

After a threatening letter

from the State Board of Education,

they finally broke down

and created a Sex-Ed class.

A little too late, I might add.

So, it's all about

populating the planet,

And good Christians don't

get jiggy with it until they're married,

Lights,

Yes, Mary,

Is it possible Jesus might need us

to do his will by, you know, not waiting?

Of course,

he wants us to wait,

I don't think I get

what you mean, Mary,

I don't know,

Which variety of bass

is not indigenous to North America?

- B--small mouth,

- Peacock,

- Large mouth?

- I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

This religious figure

was best known

for offering to God

a sacrifice of one of his sons.

- Moses!

- Brenda.

I--I'm guessing Abraham?

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