Saving Santa

MAN:
A great pally once said,

"Christmas is a day that holds

all time together."

I never really

believed it before now.

People take from Christmas

their memories of

happy times and sad,

past, present and future.

A moment on this one,

special day

could forever change

how you see everything.

BOY:
Dear, Santa...

I have a secret Christmas wish

I know you know it well

It's something that

I want so much

I cannot even tell

If I believe

with all my heart

I know it can come true

But if that never happens

Still I'll always

believe in you

MAN:
Sweet, eh?

We'll get to that kid later.

For me, my memories of Christmas

will never be quite the same again.

All I wanted to be

was something else.

Something better

than I thought! was.

This is my story.

And it's all true.

- My name is Bernard.

(SNORING)

And I'm an elf.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS, MUTTERING)

(SIGHS)

Oh, no!

Mint chocolate cookies,

I slept in!

Not today, not today!

Oh, where the blinking...?

Ah, there you are.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS) No pants!

Wait! Wait up!

(TRAIN WHISTLING)

Wait up!

Hold the train!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(GASPS) Huh?

(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL GASP)

Ah! Thanks!

Merry Christmas!

Excuse me, sorry!

Excuse me, coming through!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Oh, sorry!

Morning, Blitz!

(GRUNTS)

MAN:
Still no sign of the

North Pole, Mr. Baddington.

(GROWLING) Where are you, fat man?

(ALL GASP)

What are you staring at?

Do something useful

and get my mother on the com.

(DOOR SLAMS)

There will be no need for that.

Mother, what a

delightful surprise.

You look even more

radiant than ever.

Luminous and brilliant,

like a... a...

newly-bloomed rose,

shimmering with dew

in the morning...

That's enough bottom-snogging

from you, boy.

This is hardly a pleasure trip.

Need I remind you that you have

a shipping empire to run?

Since you have taken the

Quickest Airborne Delivery,

the only thing you have

managed to deliver is failure.

Of course. It's still marvelous

to finally have you here.

Put a sock in it!

Christmas Eve is the busiest

day of the year for us,

and here you are, chasing

a mystical, flying elf!

I'm here for the presentation.

- Name.

- Bernard D. Elf.

- You're late!

- I know, I'm sorry.

My alarm clock was broken

and I forgot my pants.

(GASPS)

Yeah, I'm wearing them now.

- Down the hall, back...

- Thanks!

You're out of time.

And voila!

With my electrified

chipmunk decoy,

unwanted Christmas tree guests

will be a thing of the past.

One little nuzzle

of the nose, and he'll...

Good morning, everyone!

(YELPING)

Uh... Oops.

Uh, sorry I'm a bit late.

I'm sorry, Bernard, but

you've missed your time slot.

- Missed your time slot.

- Please?

I've been working all year on

this invention. It's my best yet!

Better than the mind eraser

invention from last year?

Santa sightings, unavoidable, right?

Maybe.

But what if we could erase them forever?

(GASPING)

Let's imagine that this

toy doll is a little girl

who's just seen Santa.

Now, one quick zap...

(ALL YELLING)

Who are you and why are you wearing

that ridiculous elf costume?

- Hey, I'm wearing one, too.

- Me, too.

- We're all wearing them.

- Where are we?

WOMAN:
Some kind of

Christmas nightmare.

WOMAN 2:
What is Christmas?

- It took us months to recover.

- Months to recover.

Poor Nutmeg still can't

remember his own name sometimes.

Isn't that right, Nutmeg?

- See?

BERNARD:
- Please!

I've worked on this

all year long.

MAN:
- No.

WOMAN:
- Say no. Say no.

MAN 2:
- Don't do it.

- You've got one minute.

Thank you.

(ALL GROANING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Ask yourselves,

what is the one thing Santa

can't fit into his bag?

The answer, of course, is...

...memories!

Christmas memories, to be exact.

Every year, millions are created,

but where do they go?

The get lost in our brains.

And my machine locks on to

our happiest Christmas memory

and projects it

right in front of us.

Exactly what purpose

does this serve?

Raising people's Christmas

spirits, of course.

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

I need a volunteer.

(ALL SCREAMING) Ooh!

I'm not going. Let go!

(GRUNTS)

Minty, thanks for volunteering.

(WHIMPERS)

Oooh.

(BUZZING) (GASPS)

Great Grand-elf's

chocolate-chunk cookies!

(GIGGLES) They were my favorite.

- Oh!

- Oh, this is great.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Don't be a cinnamon twist!

(DEVICE HUMMING)

My first Christmas kiss.

Give me that!

(CACKLING) Yes!

Yee-haw!

Ooh, this isn't so hard.

(SPLUTTERING)

Sir, please, careful.

No, no, no, don't do that.

Let me. No, no, no!

No, not now!

Oh, man!

(ALL MURMURING)

Ah! Back on.

Just a small, uh, power surge.

Can you believe those Christmas lights?

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

One goes out, they all go out.

- That will be all, Bernard.

- All, Bernard!

But it worked.

It worked, you saw...

And merry Christmas to you.

Yes, sir.

Merry Christmas to you.

And I'd better not see you back here

with another one of your

hare-brained inventions.

(GRUNTING)

Santech is only for

the greatest elf minds, not...

(INHALES)

...reindeer poop-scoopers.

GUARD:
Poor fellow.

Poor fellow? He caused a

blackout on Christmas Eve.

Piece of junk.

(ZAPPING)

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

(DEVICE LANDS)

(MAN GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS, SNIFFS)

Hi, Dasher, hi, Dancer,

Prancer, Vixen...

Hi, Comet, hi, Cupid. Hi...

Donner, where's Blixen?

(GIBBERISH) Ooh!

(STRAINING) You're on

my gingerbread basket!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SIGHS)

That thing still won't

translate to English, eh?

Oh, jingle bells,

I can't do anything right.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

If you're asking how

the presentation went,

prepare to be underwhelmed.

As usual, I'm a miserable failure.

My Christmas memory machine

knocked the power out in the room.

So embarrassing.

But I guess I'll just have

to face the Christmas music.

I'll never be one of

Santa's trusty inventors.

(GRUNTING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Ah! Mr. Claus, I'm so sorry,

sir. I'll get that right off.

Ho, ho, ho!

That's nothing!

You fly around the world behind

eight well-fed reindeer,

as long as I have and...

(GUFFAWS)

...and you get used to getting

hit with a few warm brownies.

Say, what's this nifty contraption?

It's a reindeer vocalizer.

(BROADCASTING GIBBERISH)

You made this?

How clever.

It would be if I could

get it to speak English.

Merry Christmas, Blitzen.

Are you ready to fly tonight?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

See?

(SANTA RESPONDING IN GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Works for me, I speak

all languages. Ho, ho, ho!

Put down the brush

and come with me.

There's something

I want to show you.

Do you know there are tens of millions

of children who celebrate Christmas?

Every year.

When I started,

there were only a few thousand.

Ever heard how I do it?

Well, just rumors, sir.

I haven't been snooping,

if that's what you mean,

I swear, I don't go near the sleigh.

Except to admire it, of course.

And I found a cup holder,

which is a nice feature,

but I don't look at

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