Scary Movie 3

WOMAN ON TV:

Day after day...

The store that one might...

I hate television.

It gives me headaches.

There are so many magnetic waves

traveling in the airspace

because of TV and television,

we're losing

as we're supposed to.

Oh, please.

"The cow says blank."

Three letters.

Dude!

"Dude"!

I don't know.

Magnetic waves, brain cells.

I don't understand the

connection between that stuff.

You know what else I heard?

Magnetic waves shrink

silicone molecules.

- Aah!

- Aah!

Oh, my God!

Turn it off!

It's not working!

It's backwards!

- What do we do?

- I don't know!

Oh, my God!

[Television clicks off,

both sigh]

That was kind of scary.

- I know something even scarier.

- What?

Have you heard about

this videotape?

Where they do it on the boat?

And then in the car?

And then in the bathtub?

He's like, "Baby, I love you."

And she's like, "Where are we?"

- And did you see the...

- No.

- Not that tape.

- Oh.

The one with

all the scary images.

After you watch the tape,

the phone rings.

And this scary voice comes on

and says you're gonna die in...

Seven days. I saw that one

with Josh last weekend.

You were with Josh last weekend?

- Oh, my God!

- [Laughs]

Oh, yes, I was.

Oh, you ho!

You know it!

Oh!

- [Fabric ripping]

- Aah!

[Telephone ringing]

[Snaps, whimpers]

This is really weird.

Yeah.

Big house, only one phone.

Hello?

Hello?

WOMAN:

I'm coming for you, my precious.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, precious.

Having fun?

Hey, ask her which bathroom has

the vibrating showerhead.

[Thunder crashes]

Hello?

Hello?

[Creaking]

- [Toaster dings]

- [Gasps, screams]

[Squawking]

Katie?

Katie?

Katie?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Aah!

[Girl screams]

Ow.

[Girl screams]

God!

[Urinating]

[Girl screams]

[Urinating stops,

screaming stops]

[Urinating resumes]

[Girl screams]

[Urinating stops,

screaming stops]

[Urinating resumes,

screaming resumes, both stop]

[Urinating resumes,

screaming resumes, both stop]

- Oh!

- [Crash]

[Wind whipping]

Whoa.

[Wind whipping]

- Tom, did you hear...

- [Dog barks]

The dogs are acting strange.

[Barking]

[Whimpers]

[Girl screams]

[Girl screams]

Sue!

What are you doing out here?

We were worried sick.

What's wrong?

I wonder what they're

trying to tell us.

ANNOUNCER:

And now...

Washington, D.C.'s

leading morning news program,

"The Morning News."

Good morning.

I'm Ross Giggins.

For our top story,

we turn now to Cindy Campbell.

Thank you, Ross.

There's a developing story

in Middleburg at this hour.

A mysterious

crop circle appeared

in local farmer Tom Logan's

cornfield.

Elaborate prank

or extraterrestrial phenomenon?

We'll update you as soon as we

have any further information.

But either way,

it's clear something strange

is happening in that small town.

Ross?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening.

Coming up, more news after this.

- Cindy, you got a second?

- Sure.

I want you to take a look at

this for that strip club expos.

But I'd rather stick with

the crop circle story.

Oh, come on. You know

those things are just a hoax.

No, I'm telling you, I sense

something about that cornfield.

Call it women's intuition

or ESPN or both.

But I can tell

when danger's near.

[Gasps]

Ow!

Ow!

My eyes!

Cindy, it's sweeps month.

Ratings mean everything.

People want

human interest stories.

Like the one you did yesterday.

The report

on breast augmentation?

It was just 10 minutes

of topless women.

I mean, come on.

MAN:
Wow!

Why are these so interesting?

Oh, for God's sake.

[Sighs]

People don't care about this.

They want hard-hitting stories

and in-depth coverage and...

And twins!

I love parties

that never end

Dogs that love cats

And... And twins

I love burritos

at 4:
00 a.m.

Parties that never end

Dogs that love cats

You think it was

the Kreisel boys

who cut that stuff

into your corn?

All I know is my crops are gone.

The bank's gonna foreclose

if I can't pay the rent.

I got 60 days

to come up with $ 1.50.

I'm sorry.

The last thing you needed

was more...

[Blowing nose]

...hardship in your life.

Especially after

what happened to...

Sheriff, I don't need

your sympathy.

I didn't mean to upset you,

Father.

Please.

I'm not a minister anymore.

I lost my faith

that terrible night.

Your faith will return.

Just as sure

as the sun will rise.

Sounds like a long shot.

Look, there's always

an explanation

for all this so-called

phenomena.

Maybe you're right.

It was probably

just the Kreisels.

And when I get through

with them,

I doubt you'll be seeing

anything strange on this farm

for a long time.

You'll see.

You all right, Tom?

Get some rest.

George!

[Humming]

George!

I need you back here tomorrow

night after you pick up Sue.

That tractor needs fixing.

Sorry, dawg. I can't help you.

I have to get ready for my show.

Not that stupid

hip-hop stuff again.

Damn it, when are you going to

do something with your life?

I got a dream!

- What is your dream?

- To have a dream.

George, all you've done

is chase adolescent fantasies.

"I want to be an astronaut.

A cowboy.

Gynecologist to the stars."

And now this stupid

hip-hop thing.

For your information,

this hip-hop thing is gonna

get me paid.

I'm gonna win that rap battle.

Rap battle?

Oh, for God's sake.

You just hate me

'cause I'm black.

You don't have any faith in me.

You don't have any faith

in anything anymore.

So why don't you just worry

about you,

and I'll worry about...

Aah!

[Car alarm activates]

Cody!

You're late again, Aunt Cindy.

I'm sorry.

I was stuck in traffic.

Cindy!

Brenda, hi!

Oh, it's great to see you!

Oh, it's been so long.

Oh, too long.

I've been working so hard.

I've had to spend more

and more time at the station.

The news just keeps coming in.

What was the assignment?

Draw your family and friends.

Oh.

Anyone new in your life, Cindy?

Well, you know, I just haven't

found the right guy.

I'm looking for something more

than just good sex.

I know.

You want commitment.

No, I want great sex.

And when I meet that guy...

That's what I'm talking 'bout!

You want a guy that's like,

bam, bam, bam!

You know what I'm saying?

Did I say stop drawing?

Look, when I meet Mr. Right,

I'll know.

[Humming]

Uncle George!

Hey, sweetie!

Come here!

How are you?

Oh!

Mmm!

Go get your stuff, okay?

I know you.

You're Tom Logan's brother.

And you're that reporter,

Cindy Campbell.

You did the story

on our cop cycles.

Crop circles.

Right.

So, you're here

to pick up your...

Nephew, Cody.

You don't dress like a farmer.

My brother's the farmer.

I'm the rapper.

- Hmm.

- Oh, for real.

And here's the 6-1-1 on that.

That's phone repair.

You mean 4-1-1.

Right.

So, I'll be doing the rap battle

at the 23 Club tomorrow night.

Oh, I don't believe this sh*t.

Word!

You two should come down!

I'll be rappin',

I'll be cappin',

I'll be tappin',

I'll be flappin',

I'll be happen-ing.

Ding, bing, wing.

- Yo!

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