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This turkey looks like

the mafia got a hold of it.

It's how the Amish do it.

I saw it on YouTube.

The Amish post on YouTube?

That is crazy.

I know, times have changed

. Wait, this is,

this is hell. I, I never gave my

mother enough credit for doing

this production year after year.

I guess I was already drinking

by the time everything was done.

It was like this magical,

mystical meal appeared

. And Bill

always did the cooking, so-

Yeah, that - Thanksgiving

is fun for everyone but the chef.

True that.

Mom has been brining the

turkey for a week. It's gonna be

more like Passover than

Thanksgiving.

Oh, what'd you say?

I just can't believe that our

mother, a woman who's

consistently flummoxed by the

microwave and who has never

made a piece of unburnt

toast, is cooking for 15.

Do you remember that one time

when she made that big pie with

that huge dome. And then

dad tapped on it and

the whole thing collapsed.

Oh, it was so tragic.

No, it was funny.

I like his new girlfriend.

She's cool. But it's like mega

awkward when she treats me

like we're besties.

Totes, that's so off.

And she's always posting on my

Facebook and liking things.

Why don't you block her?

It would make things

kind of weird.

I do not trust those

instructional videos.

I followed one once and

seriously almost blinded

myself trying to

apply liquid eye liner.

Are you kidding?

- Bad idea.

- That's terrible

Oh look, there's my

wayward husband.

Why did you guys

drive separately?

He had to drop something

off on his way over here.

For work, on Thanksgiving?

Who knows where he

goes or what he does.

I wonder why

she's unfriended me?

Well you live far away.

She doesn't even know you yet.

I guess it's better that way.

Mom would be crazy jealous.

She already puts me in the

middle enough as it is.

Wait, so mom can see

what's on my Facebook?

Yeah, she's got like

this secret account.

She's like the J. Edgar

Hoover of social media.

I'll show you.

Really? An hour.

No, no, no, it's not been an hour.

Look, I had to park

like a mile away. That's - -

there's trees in this

neighborhood, everywhere.

Your obsession with

sap is unnerving.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What is that weird sound?

Uh, I don't know, I downloaded

some new ring tones,

That's probably what it is.

It sounds like a dying sparrow.

I'll set it to silent.

Will you set it to off?

Okay, happy now?

I'm gonna go help with the

buffet table, want to help me?

Sounds exciting. I'm gonna

make a cocktail instead.

Hey Kimmy.

KIMMY Oh, hey Rick.

Hey can you believe the,

uh, Vuelta, Contador and Froome

battling it out? It should

be the tour, right?

Right.

Sounds like you guys are having

fun. Kimmy, he's on restriction,

no cell phone for Rick.

No cell phone for Rick.

- Got it.

- No cell phone

I will keep an eye

on him for Rick

So Rick, uh, are, are

you going to the Giro in Italy or?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be in

Italy for the Giro.

Wow.

I'll miss the tour in France,

though, but I'm gonna go to the

Vuelta in Spain for sure.

Wow. Yeah.

Oops.

So I'm, I'm chatting with

this guy on Bottom Feeder for like

three weeks and

then he just disappears.

Bottom Feeder's bull sh*t.

People just want to chat and

chat and chat and chat and chat.

It's a bottomless chat feeder.

Okay yes, but I just

felt rejected, you know.

It's not real rejection.

It's more of a pseudo rejection.

We just had so much in

common. We both loved

Miles Davis, Dry Rieslings and

spontaneous swimming and then

poof he just disappears. I know

that this sounds horrible. But

I, I sort of hope that something

awful happened to him, or maybe

he died. Because otherwise he

just never wrote back to me.

Maybe he just met someone else

Then why wouldn't he just say that?

I mean is there no

decorum left in the world?

No manners?

Was he younger?

A little, 18 years.

Well the kids are used to that

kind of interaction, it's normal

to them. It's all just virtual.

You're so much better

at this than I am. Oh my god,

I'm such a bad gay.

I've only actually gone

through with it a few times.

Right. When is the

last time that you actually

met someone in person?

Some drug addict came

over, started cutting coke

on my Noguchi table.

Oh my god, poor Noguchi.

Then he put his head on

my chest and said the sound

of my beating heart

made him hard.

Yeah, I would take a serial

killer blow job at this point.

Oh, Gold Unicorn?

Hi, mom. I left you a message

on your voice mail on your cell

but it's full. I, I tried the

house. It's not working.

I don't know

why it's not working.

Yes, everything is under

control. I have mister turkey

right here. I brined it, yes,

it's very briny. All briny.

550. I don't know, whatever.

Okay. No, no, no, uh,

I, I don't need your help. I

don't. this year I am Sacajawea.

I know that she wasn't at the

first Thanksgiving. I was just

making a little bit of a joke.

Okay, I will text her and, and

make sure she does. Okay, just,

just get over here, I love you.

Okay, bye.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello.

Oh, three horny mules. Is that

local?

Uh, 98 points on,

uh, Wine Enthusiast.

Oh. Fabulous,

thank you.

This is very nice.

Oh well thank you for

noticing that.

Yes it's, uh, difficult to miss.

Kind of like your work.

Oh, I would have loved to have

shared your work with my

readers. My former readers.

And speaking of work, is

everyone okay with me doing

the blog interviews and-?

Oh yes, absolutely. You know, I

saw your show at Red Art three

years ago. And I thought it

would have been amazing to be a

part of one of your projects.

And here you are.

Well I hope it meets

your expectations.

I'm sure it will.

Thanksgiving is a, it's a pretty

foreign concept in Britain.

In England we just Christmas

and Boxing Day so.

Box it - - I nev - - what is

Boxing Day anyway?

Oh, no one knows.

You don't even know.

And, and I, and I want to remind

you that this is the first time

that I have attempted

the entire Thanksgiving feast.

Oh well this is my first

time trying to eat one.

So I'm just very grateful you

invited me, you know, thank you.

I don't know where I would

have, uh, ended up.

Well I'm so glad it's here.

Um, I'm gonna go back in

to my work station.

Okay.

'Cause it's chaos

in there. And, um,

Rick is mixing drinks

there at the bar.

Yo. And that's

Kimmy SHANE:
Hello.

It's Shane, so.

Hi. Welcome, Shane.

- See you in a minute.

- Okay

So then he sends me this

Snapchat of his erect ding-dong.

Classy.

Like that's

supposed to turn me on?

I wish I could

say that I believe it gets

different but apparently all

penises have the same IQ.

College guys do that?

Yeah, I have an entire

collection of

Valedictorian d*cks.

No, I mean I like penises. I'm

all about penises, but so

up close it's just way too

natural history museum.

And no one needs to see

balls close up.

Mm-hmm. This poor guy texts me

pictures of everything.

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