Secret Admirer

- Hey, Michael.

- Hey, girls.

What are you guys doing here?

You going home?

Well, I'll go with you.

What timing.

So, what are you guys

gonna do tonight?

- Not much.

- Kappa Omega party.

Oh, yeah, Kappa Omega.

I heard about those dudes.

Aren't they the big homo house?

I suppose one might try

to poke fun at it...

...if one were insecure

about one's own masculinity.

Yeah, I hate guys like that.

They're so immature.

Hey, beautiful, want a ride?

No, thanks, Steve,

I'll just walk.

Oh, Michael, you're so mature.

- See you tonight, Ton.

- Bye, Deb.

So, slick,

what are you gonna do tonight?

Does she really like that guy?

Debbie, I think, likes the idea

of going out with older guys.

Yeah? What about you?

Me? Oh, I have no standards.

I'd even go out with you.

Toni,

we've been friends too long.

Besides, I do have standards,

so that'll never happen.

Homo.

What if I grew a mustache?

Do you think Debbie would go out

with me if I grew a mustache?

Well, I don't know.

Can you?

Well, if you can do it, I can.

D*ckhead, we were waiting

for you in the parking lot.

Come on. We got some crucial

partying to do at your place.

- See you, Toni.

- Bye, Michael.

- Hi, Toni.

- Hello, Roger.

Come here.

Do you got a ride?

No, actually, I don't.

Gee, that's too bad.

Party!

Bologna? Peanut butter?

Yeah, but forget

that strawberry sh*t.

Bring the boysenberry syrup.

And white bread.

Whole-wheat makes me fart.

We know.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Do you have any brie?

Come on, you homo.

Come here, you guys. Help me

carry some of this stuff.

Come on.

How am I gonna-hey.

Open sesame.

Party!

- Brewski!

- Beer!

Brew!

All right!

Summer!

Ah, summer.

Great. I got no job.

I got no woman.

I got no money.

I'll probably be spending

the next 3 months with you guys.

Oh, I'm depressed, fellas.

Uh-oh. Barry's depressed.

Yeah, right. Listen to this.

"Three international banks...

"predict dire consequences

for the European community...

"if the dollar

takes a sudden plunge. "

You're too f***ing weird

for words, Ricardo.

You're abusing this magazine,

Ricardo.

This magazine isn't for reading.

It's for beating off.

Well, what do we have here?

- Hey, guys, give me that.

- What?

- Give me the envelope.

- The envelope, sir.

Baby.

Come on, Michael.

You guys are a bunch of f***ing

a**holes, you know that?

It's obvious that nobody has

any respect for a man's privacy.

- Thank you, Roger.

- No problem.

Holy sh*t. Listen to this.

"I don't know how to tell you

what I want to tell you...

"so I'm writing it down.

"I'll never find the nerve

to give you this letter anyway.

"When I look at you, I can't

take my eyes off of you. "

Kirkpatrick, did you write this?

You wish.

"I long to have

your arms around me...

"and feel your body

against mine. "

Whoa, radical.

"I know you don't feel

like I do...

"which is why I don't have

the courage to sign this.

"But I just love you

more than words can say.

"X-X-X...

"O-O-O...

"X-X-X."

Michael, who wrote this?

I haven't even seen

the letter yet, dog-breath.

Boy, I sure know

who I wish it was from.

Yeah, Deborah Anne Fimple.

Oh, come on.

No way.

She goes out with college guys.

Yeah, that's exactly

what she wants us to think.

When they want you the most,

that's when they want you...

...to think they want you

the least.

Wait a minute.

Somebody's in love with Michael,

and we don't know who it is.

Quite a grasp

of the situation there, Douglas.

Why would a great girl

like Fimple...

...go out with a yahoo like him?

Hey, wait a minute, you guys.

Now, what makes us

so sure that the Fimple...

...would not go out

with a yahoo like Mike?

Reality.

Has she ever turned him down

for a date?

No, and you want to know why?

Because he has never

asked her out for a date.

And if a girl

like Deborah Anne Fimple...

...were actually in love

with Michael...

...she wouldn't ask him out.

She'd wait for him

to ask her out.

And maybe-just maybe-

...she's been waitin' all year.

Gentlemen,

as far as I can see...

...there's only one way

to find out.

It's gonna take

a pretty gnarly pair of 'nads.

Kappa Omega party...

...tonight.

There's Jocko's car.

Yeah, I can see the car, Rog.

- What the hell is that?

- Moose head.

Where is she?

I'll find her. She's got to be

in here somewhere.

Eureka.

Here.

Second floor balcony,

up to the right.

Sh*t,

he's got his hand on her ass.

That should be my hand.

All right, you guys.

It's not gonna be easy in there.

It's gonna be dangerous.

Some of us might get hurt.

Some of us might not

even come back...

...but that's the risk

we got to take...

...for our compadre, Miguel.

And Doug, Barry, Kirkpatrick,

and myself are very proud...

...that you will be taking

that risk with him...

...while we monitor

your every move...

...right here

from command headquarters.

What, you guys ain't going?

The man's a genius.

All right, Miguel. It looks

like it's just you and me.

Supplies.

Better drink it.

All of it.

Delta chi. Sigma cum laude.

What's happening?

Oh, my God, Oh, my God.

Here she comes, here she comes.

So, you want something?

Yeah, a tiny sandwich

and a cocktail.

OK. I'll take care

of the gorilla.

The rest is up to you.

- Hey, aren't you Steve Powers?

- Yeah.

Don't you drive

a little red Alpha?

Well, I think I saw

some guys breaking into it.

- What?

- Yeah, when I was coming up.

Looks like they were cutting

into the convertible.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, about four or five

of the biggest dudes I ever saw.

Hey, guys, somebody's breaking

into my car. Come on, come on.

Michael,

what are you doing here?

- Hi.

- Are you all right?

I got a letter today-

a really nice one.

Well, that's nice, Michael.

"When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you. "

What did you say?

I said, "When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you...

"and when you look at me,

I have to turn away...

"because I'm afraid you might

see how much you mean to me. "

Michael, are you drunk?

"I long to have

your arms around me...

"and feel your body

against mine. "

Are you crazy?

"It makes me want

to be near you.

"You're not like

anybody else at all.

"You're too wonderful for words.

"I know you don't feel

like I do, but I just love-"

What the f*** do you think

you're doing here?

What am I doing here?

Well, who can say, Steve?

Now, that's a question we ask

ourselves every day, isn't it?

I said, what the f***

do you think you're doing here?

Oh, Michael, there you are. I've

been looking all over for you.

- Did you invite this guy?

- Steve, he's a great dancer.

Here's a good song.

You want to dance?

Nice talking to you, Steve.

Hey, a**hole.

No, not you, the other a**hole.

One more crack out of you,

Wisenheimer...

...and I'm going to butter

your necktie.

Well put, Rog.

Hey, Leon, stop them!

Grab those guys!

Great. There's Roger

and Michael-running.

There's eighty guys

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