Senseless
- R
- Year:
- 1998
- 93 min
- 847 Views
Good afternoon, freshmen,
freshwomen and, uh,
people of freshness.
Welcome to Stratford University's
freshman orientation.
I'm your tour guide,
Darryl Witherspoon.
I got another tour group in about
a half hour, so let's get to tourin'.
Come on. Come on.
Speed walk. Speed walk.
It's good for your soul.
That's it. You got it.
So, as an economics major,
this is where I spend
the majority of my time.
And thanks to Stratford University's
top-notch financial aid program...
[Coughs] Bullshit... I spend
the rest of my time giving tours,
working food services...
and delivering campus mail.
Now, this package has brought us
to the administration building.
And here, encased in this glass...
No, it's not Superfly's pimp cane.
This is the Truman Scepter.
This next package will be taking us...
to the neuropsychology building.
Let's go. Neuropsychology.
Let's go.
- Let's go. Here you go.
Hold that for me. Thanks, baby.
- [Claps]
Hey, we're gonna stop over
at the cafeteria and bust a little suds.
Girls wash. Guys dry.
Whoo!
And here we have
Stratford University's prizewinning...
neuropsychology department.
Oh, I just wanted to thank you
all for helping me out with
my campus maintenance duties.
I think it's a beautiful thing.
But remember,
plastic goes in the blue,
paper in the green.
Be back in a jiff.
Whoo!
Hello?
Dr. Wheedon?
Got a package for you.
Um, right there's fine.
Thank you.
in the dark, huh?
I wish the ones at my mom's house
would glow in the dark.
Um...
Thank you.
There's a building, building, building.
That building's old.
That building got windows.
And here we are,
back at Albert Lovett Library.
And that, my friends,
is the end of your tour.
And the beginning of yours.
Welcome.
[Man] Gaining 13 and three quarters,
utilities up about a fifth of a point.
- And the big-board composite
up.6 and 45236.
- [Phone Rings]
- There were over 115 million
shares traded on the big board.
- [Sighs]
- Yeah.
- [Woman On Phone] Hi. Darryl?
Hey, Ma. How you doin'?
Oh, same old, same old.
Blase, blase.
The kids are drivin' me crazy,
stove don't work and the roaches
are gettin' attitude.
So, when do you start
your new job on Wall Street?
Well, I don't exactly
have the job.
There's a lot of competition
for that Smythe-Bates job.
My oldest son is gonna starve.
- I'm not going to starve.
- How are you gonna pay your tuition?
Ma, I'll just get
another job, okay?
[Sighs] Well, you know,
I didn't want to say anything,
but they threatened to turn off the gas.
Just send me the bill.
How much is it?
- $223.
- Damn, what you cookin'?
Well, baby, we got to eat.
And you know I like to cook
everything down nice and slow.
- You know.
- Uh, just send it, Ma.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
but, uh, you know I'm front-runner
for that Smythe-Bates job.
I'm so proud of you.
And the job pays $60,000 a year.
- Oh, baby.
- So, you, Darius, Lyndell,
Brandon and April...
Y'all don't have to worry.
- I love you, Darryl.
- [Makes Kissing Noise]
[Receiver Clicking Off]
- [Sighs]
- [Phone Rings]
[Old Woman Voice] Hello?
[Woman] This is the Stratford
University tuition office.
May I speak to Darryl Witherspoon?
Uh, no, uh, Darryl's not
with us anymore.
He, uh, he die.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- [Tearfully]
Yeah, th-they killed my baby.
He got involved with that whole
East Coast/West Coast thing,
and being that he is from Chicago,
they both banged on him.
Hi. Darryl Witherspoon.
[Groaning]
[Mumbling]
Sammy Davis, Jr. Jr.
[Groaning]
Lza Kill D. Wipe.
Thank you.
[Moaning]
I am Ishmael Achmel
Mohammed Hach-tooey... [Spits]
[Gasps]
Ooh!
Have you donated sperm before?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. And you're familiar
with the procedure?
Well, I've been doing it
since I was 12.
The payment procedure. Fifty dollars
upon procurement of the sperm.
Cool. Um, do you have
any of those procurement aids?
Oh, certainly.
Dirty, Beaver Hunt, Big Butt.
- Damn!
- Bondage Cheerleaders.
- [Bell Rings]
- [Man Moaning]
Ooh, four.
I'm good for one more.
Just give me somethin' really freaky.
- Like some Siamese midget twins
menaging a goat or somethin'.
- Okay.
Ah, what's up?
What's happenin', my man?
- Hey.
- Got some more hair for you.
Hey, look man, I can't do nothin'
with them naps. You're back too soon.
- Come on, man. I need this money, man.
- I can't help you.
Please. Come on, man.
Hey, brother, look. I got some
real good hair for you, man.
- Look at the bush.
- Hey, look.
- It ain't that kind of party, man, hey.
- Come on. Look, brother.
- I'll throw in the ass hair for free.
- Step!
Oh, hey, dog. Landlord came by again,
looking for your part of the rent.
- God, it must be nice having a...
- A hockey scholarship?
Look, I'm not in the guilt game,
all right? My heart is light.
- What's with the X?
- That's, uh...
That's a symbol of my pledge.
See, I'm denying myself
certain pleasures, eh?
Eating meat.
Drinking alcohol. Sex.
- Sex?
- Yeah, all forms of sex.
Consider this.
Without pain and deprivation,
one can never experience
true pleasure.
You know, this is just like when you
converted to Buddhism freshman year.
Uh-huh? Then you went premed,
then Republican and then
the Tony Robbins tapes.
And let's not forget
Well, that just lasted two hours.
Well, two and a half.
You try watchin' Brad Pitt
in Interview With A Vampire
and not feel a little conflicted.
Look, man, all I'm sayin'...
pick an obsession, stay with it.
- All right?
- Mmm.
- [Metal Jangling]
- Okay, what's the new chiming sound?
Oh, uh, that's
my Prince Albert.
- A what?
- Yeah, I got a piercing
through my urethra.
And I run a chain
from that to my scrotum.
- Listen.
- [Ringing]
Ohh.
With piercing, uh,
it's about pain and pleasure.
Like you, for instance, right?
You got that inner pain,
that hunger for success.
And when you get it,
it's gonna be all the more sweet, dog.
[Chattering]
Hello, Darryl.
Runnin' low on bacon bits over here.
- Hi, Scott.
- No emergency.
Just somethin' to keep
in the back of your head.
Oh, well, thank you for the pork report.
Appreciate it.
- You going up for that Smythe-Bates job?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm kind of the pace car
in this Employment 500.
3.8 G.P.A. Varsity sailing.
Your dad runs the third-largest bank
in Manhattan.
Oh, yeah, and that.
Right.
Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Ooh, lookie, lookie,
Darryl sees a cookie.
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Is that Hidden Valley?
Or are you just happy
to see me?
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- [Chuckles]
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Uh, ah, da...
[Man Narrating] Smythe-Bates has
long enjoyed a reputation...
as one of the world's premier
investment firms.
That is why each year we choose our new
junior analysts with tremendous care.
The Smythe-Bates man or woman
has a high G.P.A.,
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