Senseless Page #2

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and ties of tradition

to our firm through some...

of the more prominent

fraternal organizations on campus.

Because we regard the junior analyst

position not as a stopping point,

but as a stepping stone to greatness.

[Video Clicks Off]

Now, class, I would like for you

to extend a very warm welcome

to my old friend,

Mr. Randall Tyson

of Smythe-Bates Brokers.

- Randall?

- Thank you, Professor Engel.

Good to see you.

Uh, well, this old room holds

many memories for me.

- I logged quite a bit

of nap time in that back row.

- [Darryl Laughs Loudly]

I sincerely wish that we had a place

for all of you,

but that's not the case.

Five of you will be chosen,

and out of the five finalists,

the student who most closely resembles

the ideal employee...

will be chosen for the position

of junior analyst at Smythe-Bates.

Good luck to all of you.

All right, class, in the case study

that we were examining last week...

Now, the markets are up,

but consumer spending...

and corporate profit margins are down.

- Now, how would the social

planner remedy this, huh?

- [Darryl] Ooh!

- [Boy] Sir?

- Downsize the labor force.

- What?

- This increases profit,

and the resulting price cuts...

stimulate consumer spending.

- Yo, difference of opinion here.

- Uh, Mr. Witherspoon...

and we can do without the yo-ing...

What he's sayin' is

let's help people by firing them.

Now, this seems to me,

ebonically speaking, whack.

Perhaps Darryl does have

a special insight into the blue collar,

or, should I say,

hairnet mentality.

Oh!

[Laughs]

Look...

Wicks Morton Industrials, okay?

In 1988, their wages exceeded

their profit margins,

but instead of firing people,

what they did was they offered

employee contracts with wage givebacks.

And guess what. Their employees

spent 50 percent more

than they did the previous year.

Now, what that proves is what the

average Joe on the street already knows.

The more money they have,

the more money they can spend.

He's absolutely right. Wicks Morton did

do the right thing by their employees.

But then again, instead of

laying off workers, they took

out a $20 million loan...

from a certain bank here in Manhattan,

and from what I hear,

- From your dad?

- They're on the verge of defaulting.

So what happens to your average

workin' Joe when Wicks Morton goes down?

I don't think they're gonna end up

in the checkout line.

I think it's gonna be

the unemployment line.

And the president of the company

is gonna be right there with them.

Ebonically speaking,

you don't know sh*t.

Dare I say,

you're out of your league.

Darryl, although carrying water

is technically an aerobic activity,

- it does not qualify you

to play college-level hockey.

- [Sticks Clattering]

Coach, please. Look, I need this time.

Please, Coach.

Look, I'm just a brother from the hood

with a simple dream to play hockey.

Don't make me turn

to drugs or gangs...

- [Grunting]

- LaFlour!

- He's on your team.

- Just following through, Coach!

- Yeah. Sure, Tim.

- [Grunts]

- Hey, Tim.

When was the last time

you had sex?

- Why?

- You're just a little jumpy,

that's all.

- [Neck Cracking]

- Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you please talk to the coach and try

and get me some time on the ice?

I need a sport, or I'm not gonna get

the Smythe-Bates job.

Please. I need it

for my family, man.

Right, yeah,

I'll talk to Coach for ya, eh?

Thanks, Tim.

Uh, these things

are too tight!

[Grunts]

[Player #1] Nice shot!

[Player #2] The outside!

[Buzzer Rings]

- Come on. Come on.

- [Blows Whistle]

[High-Pitched Scream, Grunts]

Wait. Wait.

[Continues Screaming, Grunting]

- [Blows Whistle]

- [Darryl Screaming]

- [Blows Whistle]

- [Darryl] Uh, wait!

Uh, oh... Oh, my ass!

[Grunts]

[Screaming Continues]

Wait.

My sack, my sack, my sack!

[Tim] Hip-Hup-Zip-Hup!

Freshmen.

- Hey, what's up?

I got somethin' to show you, eh!

- I don't wanna see it.

No, no, no. You know how I always lose

my apartment key, right?

I always lose it.

But look... look wh...

It's new.

I call it my key to happiness.

Oh, my God. You know what you are?

You're a freak show.

- [Laughs]

- Hey, the landlord called again.

I'm worried about you, right?

Don't worry about it, dog.

I'll get the rent.

Hey, it's all good, dog.

Listen, you may not have faith in fate.

But, my man,

fate has faith in you.

Welcome. You are here to participate

in the first round of human testing...

of Protocol 563.

You'll be the first people

to take this drug.

Federal regulations require me

to list all possible

side effects of this experiment.

Please listen carefully. This drug has

not been shown to be toxic in rats...

and should be similarly nontoxic

in human beings, theoretically.

Potential side effects

may include nausea,

insomnia, headaches,

flaking of the scalp,

intestinal cramping,

constipation, rectal burning,

rectal itching, rectal swelling...

and dizziness.

- Sir?

- [Snoring] Yes.

- Did you hear me?

- Yeah. Rectal itchin'. No problem.

- And you are willing to participate?

- It's paying, right?

[Squeaking]

This is a model of the drug

we've created here.

It is designed

to increase the senses...

far beyond levels ever experienced

by a human being before.

Are you following this?

Yeah. What are you sayin'?

I'll be able to see better?

- Like an eagle.

- How 'bout my hearin'?

- Ultrasonic.

- Taste, smell and feelin' too?

The five senses will be magnified

ten times over.

Wow.

Supersenses.

This is the drug.

How you take it is

of the utmost importance.

You must take exactly six cc's

every single day.

And you must inject it

into the buttocks.

- These are your instructions.

- How much do I get paid?

You must also take it when your

serotonin levels are at their lowest,

just before you go to bed.

How much do I get paid?

If and when your senses

become heightened,

the initial phase will be

disorienting and disturbing.

[Inhaling Sharply]

Deep breathing may help.

- Are there any questions?

- How much do I get paid?

Um, well, since you're

the only person,

after the experiment's over,

you get $3,000.

$3,000?

- Whoo! $3,000.

- [Clears Throat]

Doctor, look, for $3,000...

you can inject me

with the Ebola virus, okay?

$3,000.

Doctor, for $3,000, I'm gonna be

your little Outbreak monkey, okay?

Hey what's with all the bongs

and the booze?

Going to a party

at Rick James' house?

No, just doin' a little winter cleaning,

purifying the apartment, eh?

Oh, that sounds fine. Me, I'm gonna

go in there, eat a little pig,

smoke a little crack,

masturbate a little bit.

- Care to join me?

- No, all I'm doing tonight is soaking...

little limp Timmy

in some rubbing alcohol.

- Oh.

- Turns out the Prince Albert

was a bad idea.

Yeah, I could've told you that one.

Hey, dude, I wanted to thank you, man.

I got a little bit of time on the ice.

I think my game is improving.

Uh, about that, the thing is...

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