Senseless Page #3

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I've been practicing how to say

this all night, dog...

'Cause the thing is, the last

thing I would want to do

is hurt your feelings, right?

- You got your key?

- Oh.

'Cause sometimes, you know,

sometimes when it comes to hockey,

sometimes people suck.

Look, I don't care, okay?

The only reason I'm playing hockey

or doin' this stupid frat...

is to get

the Smythe-Bates job.

Oh, I know that.

But to suck at hockey the way you suck,

you know, suck the way

that fat kids or old people

might suck... I mean, you suck.

Hey! I mean,

you really suck.

I mean, it's like, you know, you get

on the ice and you're horrifying.

- You just watch.

You're like a hoser on there...

- Would you give me that?

- [Rips]

- [Screams, Whimpers]

I'm sorry.

Do you wanna freak

Do you wanna freak

Do you wanna freak

- Do you wanna freak

- Damn. Mmm.

- [People Cheering]

- I'm gonna freak it for ya

- I'm gonna freak

- Ooh, what's up, baby?

Do you wanna freak

- Do you wanna freak

- [Gasping]

[Bystander] Oh, man!

Ooh, you like that?

You wanna see

some more of this later?

Whoo! Hey, hey, you got pull

around here, right?

Hey, why don't you pledge me? I wanna

be a Kappa. Come on, man. Pledge me.

Look, you can beat me, spank me.

Look, you could brand the inside

of my crack. Please.

Excuse me?

Oh, no. I was just, um...

I'm... Hi.

You're high.

Well, that would explain it.

No, I'm not high as in, you know,

[Snorts] high.

I mean "hi" as in "hello."

How are you? Hi.

Darryl.

Hey, I was wondering if maybe,

you know, me and you could...

Let me guess. Maybe we could

get together a little later.

Get to know each other

a little better...

over a glass of something

with alcohol in it, right?

If you don't drink,

we could have a Yoo Hoo or somethin'.

Janice.

- Could I call you?

- Maybe.

- Witherspoon.

- Hey, Scott.

- Rushing as a senior, huh?

- Hey, just trying to join a frat, man.

- Right on. Have a seat.

- Cool.

By the way, it's "fraternity,"

not "frat." You wouldn't call

your country a...

Hey, whoa.

Not since the Bush years.

You know what I'm sayin'?

- Ooh.

- I know why you're here, buddy.

You see what you want and you go

after it, and I like that.

But we're not here for you

to put on your resume so you

can get the Smythe-Bates job.

Oh, I get it. You're here

so you can put it on your resume.

- You know what I'm sayin', brother?

- Darryl, you little table turner.

The truth is, you're too good

for us here, man.

You're too cool.

We're a bunch of nerds.

You wouldn't fit in. Like Stan here.

He's captain of the wrestling team.

He wins all the time. He's a bore.

Or Thomas, class president.

What's up, baby? Still can't get a hang

of the whole "bad means good" thing.

Doesn't make sense to him.

Bottom line is,

you're an MTV video.

Everybody say, "Hey, ho."

And we're VH1 on James Taylor weekend.

We're a bunch of phonies,

Darryl, but you're keepin' it real.

Don't let us ruin that.

- Scott. Come on, man.

- You're just not Kappa material.

But, Scott, I'm sayin'...

But thanks for tryin'.

- [Whistling]

- [Onlookers Laughing]

[Continues Whistling]

- Bye-bye.

- [Mocking Tone] Darryl.

[Together] Darryl.

Darryl.

[Laughter Resumes]

[Chattering]

[Children Yelling]

Can't get no worse than this.

[Girl] Okay, thanks.

This exam counts very heavily

toward your midterm grade.

So if you are going

for that Smythe-Bates job,

I suggest you take it very seriously.

[Sniffing]

[Continues Sniffing]

Excuse me. Somebody isn't

zestfully clean this morning.

Screw you.

I'm clean.

[Continues Sniffing]

Ooh.

[Cacophonous Bang]

- [Professor, Voice Amplified]

All right, people.

- Aah.

You have one hour

to complete this examination.

And you may begin now.

[Pencil Screeching Loudly]

Aah. Ohh.

[Amplified Ticking]

[Loud Clucking]

[Squeak, Sucking Noise, Swooshing]

[Grunting]

[Obnoxious Squeaking]

- [All Sounds Coming Together]

- [Grunting]

[Gasping]

Hey, Darryl, why don't you pull over

to the nervous breakdown lane?

[Wheezing]

- [Coughing, Sniffing]

- [Yawning]

[Coughing]

Hey, Queasy Jefferson,

bring it down a notch.

[Coughing Continues]

- [Loud Chewing]

- [Concussive Pounding]

- [Excessive Squeaking]

- [Discordant Scraping]

- [Gagging Noise]

- [Banging Like Basketball]

[Neck Cracking]

[Whimpering, Gasping]

- Will you all just cut this sh*t!

- [Girl] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- [All Whispering]

- You!

You better fix that damn watch.

And you, rich girl. We know you

got money. Put that damn diamond away.

And, eh, British guy,

if you gonna live in this country,

you'd better go see a damn dentist

about that stink-ass breath.

You smell like hot garbage!

Now, please, I'm tryin' to take

a test here! This is my future!

Mr. Witherspoon, sit down!

And one more outburst from you,

and you are out of my classroom!

Oh, I'm sorry, professor.

That was my Tourette's syndrome.

Piss on me, I'm on fire!

I just... I just can't help it.

Michael Jackson's a Puerto Rican!

[Squealing]

O.J.'s on welfare. I seen him

on the line. I just can't help it.

You look like Bob Hope.

[Mumbling]

Dennis Rodman got a coochie!

I just really can't help it.

I can't.

I failed my test.

My dream is gone.

And this itching is tearin' my ass,

and it keeps gettin' worse and worse.

- You did this to me.

- Darryl, calm down. Calm down.

- Sit down. Come on.

- [Gasping] Get off.

- Sit down.

- [Grunting]

- Excuse me.

- Now.

- Oh, Mama. Ahh.

- Follow the light with your eyes.

Okay. [Screams]

What are you tryin'

to do, blind me?

Oh, my God,

I wanna kill you so bad.

[Groans]

[Grunts]

- [Continues Grunting, Groaning]

- [Muttering]

This is excellent.

Excellent?

No, Doctor, this is not excellent.

This is an outrage. I'm gonna sue

your ass. I'm gonna sue you.

Darryl, you are experiencing

advanced rectal irritation.

But the pain will pass

as your neural pathways adjust.

Doc, you got nice nails.

Can you scratch this for me, please?

Right there. Ahh.

- Oh, yeah.

- To gain control...

over your senses,

you have to exercise them.

Your brain is trying to cope with

heightened human perception.

- You have to help that process.

- Mm-hmm.

- Concentrate.

- [Groaning]

Focus, and you will gain control

over your supersenses.

Ow! God. Oh, spread it.

Ohh!

[Panting] Hey, Doctor,

can I borrow these?

Thank you.

Ahh.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

Ahh.

- [Ripping Sound]

- [Screams, Grunts]

[Darryl] What's the matter?

Uh... I got a snag.

- [Jangling]

- [Grunts] Yeah.

Yeah.

- You are weird.

- I'm weird?

Look at you.

Are you all right?

- Oh, I'm just not feeling well.

- That's too bad.

I'm going over to the hockey rink.

Ah, I gave up on hockey.

- It's stupid.

- You gave up?

I heard back

from Smythe-Bates today.

[Sighs, Muffled]

I'm not even a finalist.

- Not a what?

- I'm not a finalist.

Well, you don't want to be hanging out

with those Wall Street losers anyway.

[Sighs] What am I gonna tell my mom?

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