Senseless Page #9

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here on this day

of final competition...

for the position of junior analyst.

And we'll begin our questioning

with you, Mr. Thorpe.

Now, in structuring a portfolio

for your client,

what are the three

most important rules?

Well, first thing I'd do is talk to

my client about his long-term goals.

- Once those are explained to me...

- Goods and services...

are exempt from the discounting

which classical theory demands.

The effect of taxes defined

by the Laffer Curve cannot

be considered as valid...

The leverage gained by buying on

the market will multiply your returns...

For our primary analysis,

equity can't be considered in

the same tier as secured debt.

Small cap funds overpower

high cap funds over time...

If the poison pill doesn't work,

you got a proxy war that's

gonna depress your price.

[Proctor] At this point, we would

excuse three of our contestants.

Fine job.

Show them our appreciation.

Mr. Auseppe, why would the Federal

Reserve have resorted to this?

I believe that would be in order to

maintain a constant rate of growth...

while avoiding incurring

any excess inflation.

Thank you, Mr. Auseppe.

You may step down. And fine job.

[Audience Applauding]

Now, we are down

to our final two contestants:

- Mr. Scott Thorpe...

- You lost your b*tches, pimp daddy?

- And Mr. Darryl Witherspoon.

- What's up?

Mr. Thorpe, if you were

to be given control...

of the Smythe-Bates

venture capital fund,

where would you take it

over the next five years?

Well, I think start-up industries

in emerging markets...

are the kind of low-risk,

high-gain strategy I would pursue.

Ah, so the rich get richer

off the sweat of the poor, right, Scott?

Maybe you should pay a visit...

to one of those emerging markets

you're so eager to exploit.

I summered in Cancun.

If that were me, I'd start

a community-based bank

and invest in areas...

that these larger banks abandon.

Abandon for good reason.

That's why the poor get poorer.

- Who taught you that? Your father?

- Where's your father tonight?

I'm about to kick your little ass.

That's where he's at.

Gentlemen, please.

Let's keep it civil.

We've got two excellent answers.

Looks like we have a tie here.

- Mm-hmm.

- Professor Engel?

All right, gentlemen.

This last question is not a simple one,

so I suggest that you choose

your answers very carefully.

Now, looking at this chart, what should

the Federal Reserve choose to do?

If I were, say,

vice chairman of the Federal Reserve,

I'd raise rates.

Excellent.

- Mm-hmm.

- Why?

Hmm? "Why"?

[Clicks Tongue] Because...

That's a good question.

- [Gasps]

- [Scott] l...

Uh, I have to say that I...

don't know the answer.

[Audience Murmuring]

Mr. Witherspoon?

Mr. Witherspoon?

Yo! [Chuckles]

Oh. Why raise the rates?

Well... because of this chart

reflecting Simon's theory.

John Simon, born in 1908

in Westbridge, Indiana,

predicts the future of inflation

with the formula:

I = delta MP

over the square of T.

Thus, requiring

federal correction...

as evidenced by the board

in 1958, '67 and 1984.

- [Audience Murmuring]

- [Whispering]

- [Murmuring Stops]

- [Chuckling]

Darryl, you've got the job.

[Cheering]

Wow!

Thank you.

Ebonically speaking,

I know my sh*t.

- [Applause Continues]

- Thank you!

- [Laughing]

- [Tim Grunts]

Wait. Hold up, people, please.

I have something to say.

- I cheated.

- [All Gasping, Murmuring]

No, not today. I studied very hard

for this test today.

But I had an extra edge

in becoming a finalist.

Not my athletic talent

and not money.

And it wasn't my daddy.

- It was an experimental drug.

- Oh!

- [Audience Murmuring]

- But it wasn't heroin!

- He's not on the horse.

- Tim, shut up.

Sorry, but he's not using.

[Whispers]

It's all right.

Mr. Tyson, Mr. Bellweather,

I'm sorry.

I was just willing to do anything

to become a Smythe-Bates man,

even the wrong thing.

I want you to know

I do deserve the job,

even though I

didn't earn it honestly.

And that's the whole story.

Look, I'm sorry if I let you guys down.

You can't cut me off!

I'm your son! You love me!

Remember that time

you almost said it?

Well, folks, the board

has come to a decision.

There will be no junior analyst position

awarded this year.

But you still proved yourself

the most impressive candidate.

Come on, kids.

Darryl, do you think that I was

a junior analyst right out of Stratford?

[Scoffs] Yeah.

- Darryl, Daddy started in the mail room.

- Get outta here!

I tried to be the junior analyst, but...

I didn't come from money.

I didn't play sports, so...

Sound familiar?

So what are you saying? That you wasn't

a Smythe-Bates man either?

But I am, because I know

my job and I work hard.

Do you know who

that reminds me of?

- Me.

- That's right.

You are a Smythe-Bates man too,

so you're going to have

a second chance.

At the point of graduation,

you'll be given a job in the mail room.

Doesn't sound like much,

but if you work hard,

in a year you'll make

a fine junior analyst.

Maybe a great son-in-law too?

[Janice, Tyson Together]

Don't push it.

- Heh-heh!

- Cool.

[Siren Wailing]

[Laughter]

Everybody, a toast to my baby Darryl.

Thank you for everything

that you've done for us.

And good luck tomorrow...

on your first day as a junior analyst

at Smythe-Bates.

- [Guests Congratulating]

- Darius!

Touch that champagne bottle

one more time, I'm gonna use

your little ass as a cork!

[Guests Laughing]

Tim, let me take the camera so I can

shoot you and your new girlfriend.

Go stand over there.

[Clears Throat]

I just wanna make a toast, eh?

[Clears Throat]

Uh... Come here, honey.

- I hate those things too, but...

- Get in there, Lorraine.

Ahsalam, Mrs. W.

To... To Darryl.

To your continued success

on Wall Street, eh?

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Ma, are you gonna take me up

on my offer?

Darryl, I've lived here all my life.

Besides, the place looks so nice now.

But it's such a bad neighborhood.

Why don't you let me move you

over to the East Side,

to a deluxe apartment, hmm?

- [Woman] Well, we're movin' on up

- Movin' on up

- To the East Side

- Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment in the sky

- Movin' on up

- Movin' on up

- To the East Side

- Movin' on up

We've finally got

a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry in the kitchen

Beans don't burn on the grill

Took a whole lotta tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up in the big leagues

- Gettin' our turn at bat

- Good morning, Mr. Witherspoon.

How are ya?

It's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong with that

- We're movin' on up

- Movin' on up

- Hi. How are you?

- Fine.

We be movin' on up

- La la la-la-la la la

- To the East Side

- La la la-la-la la la

- Trying to do business

is cramping my style

- We be movin' on up to the East Side

- La la la-la-la la la

- And it looks like we're

gonna get some of the pie

- La la la-la-la

Always aim at the right gate

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