Sexy Evil Genius

- Thanks for your help.

- You're good.

Make sure you tell the detectives

that I'm willing to testify

and I definitely want to press charges.

Look, I don't know what happened.

It went really fast.

Are they gonna live?

Hey, lonely guy.

Sorry. I'm meeting someone.

Yeah, me too. Nikki Franklyn.

You too? Really?

Is that surprising?

Yeah, kind of.

- I'm Zachary.

- Of course.

Zachary Newman. Figured.

You're the high school guy,

her first true love.

I've heard a lot about you.

Yeah. I guess. That was us.

She broke up with you

at the Waffle Shack after prom.

Cried so hard you puked all over her shoes.

Blueberry pancakes.

Yeah. Not my finest hour.

I'm Miranda.

- May I?

- Yeah.

Have a seat.

It's typical Nikki. Late. She said 8:00.

I got a call from Nikki.

It's the first time

I had heard from her in a decade.

She said she's in town

and wants to meet up.

I guess I'm not the only one

she wanted to catch up with.

We stayed in touch, you know,

after the pancake incident.

She said she wanted to go

on a trek to find herself.

Timbuktu, I think.

- Kathmandu.

- Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

That's the last time we spoke.

Where did you two meet?

Narcotics Anonymous.

What, you and Nikki, like,

smoked a ton of pot together?

- Cocaine?

- Heroin.

Nikki and heroin.

Yeah.

- With needles?

- Yep.

I just can't imagine her doing that.

I mean, maybe smoking it, I guess, but...

She always was so adventurous.

When we met she was a mess,

close to death and so was I.

We saved each other.

We were lovers.

Does that shock you?

No, you're very beautiful.

I just... I'm still reeling

over the whole heroin thing.

- Should we get a table?

- Sure.

Hi, guys. I'm Abby.

I'm gonna be your server.

So just let me know if you need

any other drinks or anything.

Absinthe.

Okay.

Isn't that highly alcoholic?

I'm a junkie, not a drunk.

Can I have another martini,

five blue cheese olives?

Okay.

Is that a drink or a salad?

It's both.

I raced over here from work.

I forgot to eat all day.

You know it's not healthy

to work that hard.

I know.

I know.

- What do you do?

- Sales.

- Do you like it?

- I hate it, really.

- Do you have kids?

- No.

- Married?

- Nope.

So, why the f*** don't you quit?

- And do what?

- Whatever floats your boat.

I'm not sure what that is.

Well, clearly,

there's your problem right there.

Gosh, talking to you

really reminds me of talking to Nikki

just right to the big, heavy stuff,

no kidding around.

- What?

- No, nothing.

You're kind of cute eating your salad.

See, this is why I never go to bars.

The only girls who think

I'm cute are lesbian.

Or lesbians?

I don't know...

What's the plural of that word?

I'm bi.

Great. I feel half better.

So, when did you last see Nikki?

I will f***ing kill you!

Six years ago.

- Is that when you broke up?

- Yeah.

But then after awhile,

we started talking again.

Just a phone call or two every few months.

And then one day,

I get a collect call from Nikki from jail.

- Jail?

- Well, not exactly.

It was a mental hospital

for the criminally insane.

What was she doing there?

Murder?

Nikki killed somebody?

It was her boyfriend.

She poisoned him with arsenic.

Said she got off by reason of insanity.

Arsenic?

Look, Nikki's a lot of crazy things,

but she's not literally crazy.

At least not how I remember her.

But don't you think

she'd be great at acting crazy?

Yeah. Yes.

I used to call her my sexy evil genius.

And she was, a genius.

Test scores off the charts.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Nikki said she'd call me

when she got released from the hospital.

I didn't realize it would

only be three years later.

This is bizarre.

I mean, not just hearing

her post-me life story,

but you and me here now and her so late?

- It's deliberate.

- What do you mean?

Nikki's never on time for anything.

No, I mean I think that

she wanted us to meet

before she got here, to get acquainted.

You and me?

Why?

So you can blow my mind

with the ripping yarn of her life story?

You're probably right.

Is this the Franklyn party?

- Yeah.

- So there are more of us.

Miranda.

Marvin Coolidge. A pleasure.

- Zach.

- What's up, dude?

Nikki told me to look for a goth babe

with an uptight suit-and-tie guy.

- She on the money.

- She called me uptight?

Don't sweat it, Zach, man.

I'm sure you're a cool f***in' dude

on the inside, right?

I don't think I am.

Baby, could I get a Chivas, rocks?

Listen, I haven't talked to Nikki in,

like, five years and change and...

Out of the blue.

What's up? Nikki.

Sh*t.

What's this gathering all about?

- We don't know.

- Nikki's late.

No, she's not late. She said 8:30.

She got, like, you know, three minutes.

She said 8:
00, right?

I guess she did want us to meet.

Wait a second.

I know what this is all about.

- What?

- A new band.

- A band?

- What do you guys play?

Don't tell me. You are an ax man, right?

Bass?

- Keys?

- I get it.

You were in the jazz band

Nikki told me about.

Yeah, the Rebops.

What instrument do you play?

Vibes.

- What's vibes?

- Xylophone, man.

Me and Nikki had this

sweet musical groove going for a while.

You know that girl

is like Bruce Lee on the bongos, right?

Yep, that's how we met.

A drum circle on Venice Beach.

Blew me away, man.

- Really?

- We hooked up.

She put our band together.

This is not about a new band?

All I play is the radio.

I mean, I can barely work my iPod.

Okay. It's about something else.

- How well do you know Nikki?

- As well as anybody.

You know,

we lived together for five months.

Were you, like, roommates?

No, man. We were deep in it.

What's...

They were f***ing.

Yeah. I mean, I get it.

So, hold up, you're an ex, too.

- Ex numero uno.

- Holy sh*t.

You're the guy who threw up on her

shoes at the Waffle Shack.

Don't go! No, no, please.

Holy sh*t.

- She tell everyone that story?

- I think so.

We all have one thing in common.

What's that?

No. You and Nikki?

Deep in it.

Damn, girl.

And did you know that Nikki was

recently released from an insane asylum

because she killed a guy?

- What?

- Yeah.

Her boyfriend at the time.

- Bullshit.

- Not.

Nikki told me herself. I just told Zach.

Wait, she killed a guy?

Damn, now I need this.

Wait, how is she even out?

Not guilty by reason of insanity.

Why does that hardly surprise me?

Everything the girl does, man...

The secrets, the games, this tonight,

anonymous gathering of ex-lovers.

Who does this?

I mean, she calls for the first time

in years and what do each of us do?

Drop everything, absolutely no questions

asked, to show up at this bar.

- We're devotees.

- No, suckers, man.

I remember one time, we were 16

and this punk band from Japan

that Nikki worships,

the Go Go Zombies, are playing at the Roxy.

But it's 21 and over to get in,

so we need fake IDs.

First we go to MacArthur Park

and we find these gangbangers

who say that they could hook us up.

But, like idiots, as soon

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