Simon Birch Page #5

gonna tell me when she was ready.

But if you did know,

would you tell me?

Yeah.

Yes, I would.

Ben?

Did Miss Wenteworth

ever talk about me?

All the time, Simon.

Everybody talks about you.

That's how we keep

from gettin' bored.

- Did she tell you about my destiny?

- Simon!

What do you mean?

- I'm going to be a hero.

- You are?

Pretty vague job description,

isn't it?

- How you gonna do that?

- I don't know.

I keep waiting for God

to show me a sign.

Like the burning bush

in the Ten Commandments.

But I guess he doesn't go in

for that kind of thing anymore.

Well, uh, you know,

you got to be a little patient.

I have been patient,

but I'm running out of time.

Simon, you're

12 years old!

You've got all the time

in the world!

I don't think so, Ben.

Time is a monster

that cannot be reasoned with.

It responds like

a snail to our impatience.

Then it races like a gazelle

when you can't catch your breath.

Simon and I were in such a hurry

to get to the answers at the end...

of the road that we never took time

to read the signs along the way.

How could we have known that everything

was working together for a reason?

And so I expect

each and every one of you...

will lend a hand

in making this...

the best Christmas

pageant ever.

So, now, are there

any volunteers for roles,

- or shall I just choose?

- Well, I'll play Joseph!

Good for you, Eddie.

- Looks like I got the lead.

- What lead?

It's the Virgin Mary, Eddie.

What does Joseph

have to do with anything?

All right, now.

Any volunteers for Mary?

Beautiful, beautiful

Mother Mary.

Mary, Mary, Mary.

Who will it be?

Marjorie?

Would you like to be

our Mary this year?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Good girl!

All right, now.

Which one of our...

future stars

would like to be the Three Wise Men?

Three Wise Men.

Who's it gonna be?

All right.

Gary, Allen, Matthew,

you will be the Wise Men.

Now let's see what we've got.

Ah, well, we've got

the shepherds,

but they don't have

a lot to do.

Miss Leavey

always tried to downplay...

the role of the shepherds,

but we weren't fooled.

We knew they were the plum roles

because all you had to do...

was stand around with a staff

and try not to laugh...

at the poor saps that got stuck

with the speaking parts.

All right.

Hands-Hands down. Hands down.

Uh, Joe, Melanie,

Ming, Tommy.

You will be

our shepherds.

All right.

Now, let's see what's next.

We've got...

Oh, the angel.

Yes, the angel.

The wonderful angel

of the Lord...

suspended high, high above

everyone else...

the wonderful, magnificent angel

of the Lord.

- I can't! I'm afraid of heights!

- Well, then, this will be...

the perfect chance

to face your fears.

- Can't I be a donkey or somethin'?

- You're an angel.

You have your own special pillar

of light for all the world to see.

- Well, I'll switch with Howard.

- No!

- Yeah!

- I could be Joseph. Joseph does nothing.

- Told ya.

You are going to make

a wonderful angel, Howard.

- But...

- Thank you.

- Psycho.

- What about me?

Well, Simon, you know what?

- You have the most important

role of all.

- No.

Without you,

there would be no play.

I'm not playing the baby Jesus,

so just forget it!

- You're the only one

who fits into the manger.

- I won't do it!

Come on, Simon.

It'll be fun.

Easy! It says swaddling clothes.

Swaddle it!

Simon, that is so cute!

I look like a burn victim.

- You made her laugh.

- She's laughing at me.

What's the difference?

She likes you.

Everyone likes

the swaddling baby Jesus.

- It's great!

- You really like it? Well, thank you.

Why does Ming get

all the girls?

But, uh, things

will be different...

once God makes you

a hero, right, Simon?

- Right?

- Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I guess.

You! You, you, you,

you, you, you! Okay, okay. Come on.

So, is everybody ready

for dress rehearsal?

- No.

- What now, Simon?

What are those?

- They're turtledoves.

- They look like

they're from outer space.

The audience won't know

what they are.

They're doves, Simon!

The audience knows what a dove is!

They're giant doves!

They're as big as half a donkey!

They're actually

kind of frightening!

Oh, look what I found

wandering off. A turtle.

Oh! A little turtledove! Look at that.

Oh, so how's

the rehearsal going?

Help. Please! I'm gonna strangle him.

I swear to God! I'm gonna strangle

that little granite mouse...

if it's the last thing I do,

with my bare hands!

- I'm gonna strangle him!

I'm a little fragile right now.

- Simon.

- Hey!

- You'll get these back

after the pageant.

If you can stop yourself

from ruining our play.

Understand?

Any questions?

Does God have

a plan for us?

I like to think he does.

Me too! I think God made me

the way I am for a reason.

Well, I'm glad that, um,

that your faith, uh...

helps you deal

with your, um,

you know,

your-your condition.

That's not what I mean.

I think I'm

God's instrument.

That He's gonna use me

to carry out His plan.

It's wonderful

to have faith, Simon,

but, uh,

let's not overdo it.

God's instrument.

Hey, kid. You okay?

- Hey, kid.

- Hi. What's wrong?

My dad's makin' me go

on a retreat tomorrow.

- Why are you crying?

- I'm scared of all the other kids.

They're a lot

bigger than me.

- Not all of them.

- Are you going too?

And I'll make sure

nothing happens to you. I promise.

Now get over there with those other

flying monkeys where you belong.

We're turtledoves.

- You're good with him.

- Little kids always listen to me...

because of the way I look.

- Too bad Marjorie isn't six years old.

- Not funny!

The star of Bethlehem

is not a pinata.

Marjorie! Marjorie!

You spit that gum out right now!

The Virgin Mary

does not chew gum.

Where are we going?

You get down from there!

Get down from there now!

It's not safe!

I've got half a donkey here.

What good is that gonna do me?

I need a cigarette.

Monsters.

Oh! Oh, hello, Agnes.

Hello, Reverend. Hi.

Ah, ready for tonight?

Absolutely.

# Miss Leavey's dead #

# They guillotined her head #

# We took it from her body #

# And flushed it

down the potty #

# And watched it go round and round #

# And watched it go round and round #

# And watched it go round and round

and never saw it go down #

# Joy to the world

Miss Leavey's gone #

- Oh, Agnes.

- Oh! Oh!

# She's buried

in the lawn #

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas to you too.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Go, go.

Be not afraid.

For I bring you great joy.

Be not afraid!

For... F...

- For...

- Simon.

Are you okay?

For I bring you great...

joy!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Oh, oh, man!

Simon, what is it?

B*obs!

- Get her, Simon!

- Holy sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

- Let go of me!

- I'm trying to help!

- I don't feel so good.

- If you vomit on this stage,

I swear I will leave you

up there...

- till next Christmas!

- Hold on!

Yeah, yeah! Get it!

I'm gonna kick your ass,

you little perv.

Hey, leave him alone.

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