Sirens Page #3

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so they're looking at

old Nordic texts

to see if there's any evidence

of flooding.

You're disgusting, Sheela.

You should be in a sty.

- Watch this. Watch Giddy's skin.

- Don't you dare. Don't, Sheela.

One day, we're gonna tickle you...

and we're gonna keep tickling you

all over.

Stop it.

Look at her arms and legs.

Look at the goose pimples.

Sheela. Will you be quiet?

- Do you know who else will do it?

- Shut up.

- He'll be tickling you too.

- He will not.

He'll tickle you...there.

She'd burst.

Her insides would go everywhere.

Sea slugs do that.

When they get attacked,

they spit their insides out.

You can eat them and go all night.

There are islands

where the women gang up

and ambush their favourite men

and feed them

the longest sea slugs they can find.

And the men get so incredibly hard,

you can hang heavy clothes and jewels

from their erections.

- But doesn't it hurt?

- Excruciatingly.

Giddy's guts would be good for that.

They would not!

My giblets are pure and innocent,

like my mind.

Let's hope it's good news and

then we can get out of your hair.

- A couple heads more doesn't matter.

- That's very kind of you.

I suppose there's no point

in trying to prevail on you

to help persuade Norman just to

withdraw that particular picture?

- Mr Campion...

- Tony.

Have you actually seen it?

Yes, very briefly in the gallery.

I was the model for it, you see...

One, two, three, charge!

Stop it.

Stop it at once!

What do you think you're doing?

Go on, get off! Get off.

Go on, shoo, all of you.

All of you, go away.

What on earth was all that about?

They're just acting out

what their parents say -

Norman's the devil incarnate

and we're all witches.

Go on, now, shoo.

- You eat sheep poo!

- You disgusting things!

- How do I look?

- Very nice.

Can I wear it tonight? Pru and I

are going out with some blokes.

I suppose so.

Do you often try on other people's

clothes without asking?

All the clothes I've ever worn

are other people's.

- Is this the ship you came out on?

- Yes.

My dad was a sailor.

What does he do now?

He's dead.

I'm sorry.

A shark took him.

They found an arm with his watch.

That's what they buried - the arm.

Still used a normal-sized coffin

though, just for appearances.

I hadn't realised sharks were so...

Successful?

Do you like your husband?

Do people usually marry people

they don't like?

Quite often, I'd say.

Now, Devlin,

I want you to pose as Ulysses.

Is he the chap

you're going out with?

God, no. He just does

odd jobs around the place.

- But he can't see.

- He can't see much.

Norman says it's all a blur.

There was a big prizefight

out in the bush.

It went on for hours.

Blood everywhere.

In the end, they had to stop

cos Devlin was blind.

After a few days, he could see a bit,

but he can't hardly recognise

anyone until they speak...

..but Giddy thinks

he's the best thing since Valentino.

Merely routine for you,

old boy, I would've thought.

See ya tomorrow night, all right?

For too long,

you've kept sensuality in the gloom.

You've made it furtive and guilty!

The Church has never denied that

sex has a supremely important role.

"Vaginal pessaries require

a manipulation of her genital organs

"which must be repugnant

to every woman."

See, that's the problem.

God makes us feel so guilty...

When Dolly Rogers allowed me

to play with her parts,

I thought I'd be struck by lightning.

- One point.

- What's your point?

Mr Campion is trying to say

if we give way to our whims,

we're no better than pigs.

- Pigs?

- That's not my point!

If God didn't want us to play with

these parts, why make them fun?

So many people can't feed their kids

and the Church says, "Have more."

Here come your lovers.

Look, Jesus never said anything

about chastity, anyway.

That started with

some old men on an island

that suddenly decided

the body was bad for the soul.

- Atlantis, was it?

- It's a pity for women it wasn't.

The fact is,

the gloomy God of the Old Testament

still has us by the scruff

of the neck today.

When He was invented,

there were a lot of pagan religions

that celebrated sexuality

and fertility and so on.

So how is this new religion

to compete with something so popular?

By saying that sex was evil and that

women, the embodiment of sexuality,

were responsible for the downfall

of mankind in the Garden of Eden!

- So we're second-class citizens.

- Mrs Pankhurst would be proud.

- Why can't we be vicars or priests?

- Or popes?

Because we're too deafened by the din

of our bodies to hear God's Word.

- Here, here.

- May I answer that question?

- May I speak?

- Come in, boys.

- Evenin', all. G'day.

- Evening.

You're late.

We had to fix up...

a couple of flyblown sheep.

Did you wash your hands?

Twice.

- Eww, it's horrible.

- It's only oil, honey.

It's sheep poo. You got sheep poo

in your fingernails.

It's OK. We'll be wearing gloves.

Well...better get going, I suppose.

See yous later.

- Good night.

- See ya.

Try one of these.

They're Turkish.

Don't worry, Giddy.

Your time will come.

- Any luck?

- No.

"Is there a Piglet

in the house?" said Pooh.

They're trying to shock us,

aren't they?

Well, church-baiting's

always been a popular pastime.

I got an awful lot

of it at university.

The atheists always think it's funny

to roast the dusty old Christian.

The great thing, of course,

is not to be too dusty.

You should have seen Lindsay's face

when I started quoting Joyce at him.

Something wrong, Piglet?

No.

Those girls are perfect models

for Lindsay's orgies, aren't they?

A shame about Giddy.

I think there's hope for her.

She was, um...sticking up for me

at dinner. Did you notice?

Oh, dear. I probably shouldn't have

brought you here, should I?

- Pooh...

- Piglet.

I think...

sometimes you have too high

of an opinion of me.

What on earth makes you say that?

- Oh, I don't know.

- You are a funny little thing.

It's freezing. Come on, then.

Do you want to?

I'm not sure.

Well...you don't have to decide now.

- You wake me up if you do.

- All right.

According to Mr Lindsay,

we should both be in a state

of perpetual tumescence.

- What are you doing?

- Watching you sleep.

Looks like you both

had another punishing night.

I wish you wouldn't creep

into our room every morning!

We've just been for a swim.

I just wanted to tell you

how nice the water was.

Hello! Stop!

- What happened to you?

- You're a terrible mess.

I went for a walk.

- Stupidly...got lost.

- Come on.

Plenty of room.

- Here. Put this on.

- I don't want to dress up.

You look as if you've been

in an orgy. Who were you with?

No one.

Don't be a spoilsport. Please?

Oh...all right, then.

F***in' pub.

You get f***ed. And you too.

You get f***ed.

And you. You get f***ed too.

Go on and get f***ed. Get f***ed.

Three jugs of beer

and a crme de menthe.

Hello? Hello?

Sorry, lounge is closed.

- What about them?

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