Six Shooter Page #2

Ah, no, I'm sure it was just some

sad things going on in her own mind.

Thanks for your time, lads.

And me thinking Freud had died long since.

Get that train stopped!

And tell the boys to get their guns out!

Jeez, you're so f***ing maudlin.

You didn't even know the woman.

- Have you no respect for the dead, no?

- I haven't, no.

A black fella stole mine.

Admit it, fella, she was getting on your nerves,

too, with her bawling.

Sure, my mam got murdered last night,

but you don't see me off wailing like a spa.

You're codding me?

Oh, aye. I'm forever codding people

me mam's just been murdered.

Oh, a great source of amusement to me, it is.

You don't seem upset about it.

Well, she wasn't the most pleasant of women,

and sure, life goes on.

- My wife died last night.

- Did she?

- Did she get murdered, too?

- No, no.

Thank f***. I thought we had

a f***ing serial killer on the loose.

Ah, now, don't cry, old fella.

She's up with God now.

She's up with God now.

- I don't believe in God. Not no more.

- Eh? Of course you believe in God.

- You're an old fella.

- No. Today was the last straw.

Why, what happened today...

Oh, aye, your wife and now Mrs Train-surf woman.

Well, sure, that wasn't God's fault.

He can't be everywhere at once, like.

What?

Nothing.

Well, at last, a f***ing smile out of you.

Here, do you want to hear me story

about the cow with trapped wind?

It's a f***ing deadly story.

I would. I would like to hear it.

Would you? F*** me!

And the thing is, it's f***ing true, like.

That's the mad thing.

So I was at this cattle fair with me da

when I was seven.

All these f***ing cows around,

as you get at cattle fairs.

And then this one cow got this trapped wind, like.

There's a technical name for it,

but I don't know what the f*** it is.

Anyways, this cow starts expanding like a mad thing,

starts f***ing ballooning up,

and that's really dangerous

'cause they can die like that.

And nobody knew what to do till this short,

tiny fella popped up.

He was just passing by, like.

And he takes out a f***ing screwdriver

and jumps into the pen,

and everybody's going,

"Oh, f***, no", like,

and the short fella starts stabbing

big f***ing holes in the side of this cow, like.

And we all thought he was mental,

going stabbing a cow, like.

But then the cow started deflating back to normal,

'cause that's what you're supposed to do

with a cow with trapped wind.

Stab the f***er.

So everybody gave this short fella

a round of applause for being so on the ball, like.

But then he starts giving us his whole life story

about what an expert he is on f***ing cows.

And he says this gas that's coming out of the cow,

it's the exact same gas

as the gas in your oven back home,

and everybody said,

"F*** off, is it the same."

But the short fella said,

"It is. Watch."

And he lights the f***ing gas, like,

so there's this stream of f***ing fire

shooting out of this cow,

and we were so impressed, like,

and we gave him another round of applause.

But then the gas must've backed up

inside or something

'cause the cow f***ing exploded.

Best day of me f***ing life, that cow exploding.

- This is me.

- You're off here, are you?

Fair enough, so.

You were starting to bore the tits off me.

Good luck to you.

Fella?

Sorry to hear about your dead missus and all.

Oh.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Sorry about your mam.

- Ah, no loss.

Two cot deaths and a woman.

Her son shot the poor head off her.

No!

No!

I didn't hit one of them.

That was f***ing woeful shooting.

F***ing woeful, like. You know, like?

Do you know what I mean, like?

Like... Like, just f***ing woeful.

I hope I'll see you soon, babe.

If I don't, I don't.

There, there, there.

There, there, David.

There's one for the each of us.

I'll be following you shortly.

Oh, Jesus.

What a f***ing day.

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