Skating to New York Page #3

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Okay. Are we going to skate?

So...

Casey, what happened

to the ice dogs game?

Just another hockey game.

Okay, so here's the plan.

I think we should stay as a tight group.

One after the other,

about ten-yard separation, okay?

- Okay.

- We've really got to be a team out there.

Did everybody bring their extra food

and extra layers?

Everybody got their cell phones?

- Your cellphones?

- Check!

I hope you guys have all your sh*t because

there's nothing but ice out there, okay?

You guys ready to go? Let's do it!

Let's do it, boys! Let's go!

Let's get out there!

Believe this sh*t? It's like sex.

- Couch cushions don't count.

- I'll take what I can get.

Yeah!

Wingman to group leader,

target at 11:
00.

Roger on that, Maverick.

Turning to one-niner. Weapons armed.

Oh, yeah.

Hollywood to goose, form up

on my six for low-level strafing pass.

- Roger that, Hollywood.

- Forming up on your six.

- Fire on all planes!

- Let's do it!

Go! Let's go! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Hello, boys!

Hey, wait. Where are those guys going?

To trouble.

Yeah.

Okay, boys. Time to get serious.

We got a long way to go.

No, no, no. We're doing the whip.

We're doing the whip! We're doing the whip!

- Hurry up.

- All right.

- Slackjaw!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

He broke out of it, Rudy!

I got him! I got him!

I'm coming!

- What is that?

- Please, God, let it be a Timmies.

If you had an open line to God,

why would you go so small?

I mean, make it room at the Hilton with,

you know, a hot tub and some strippers.

- Where the hell's the rest of the truck?

- And the guy driving it.

Must have been swept off

in a storm or something.

Who cares? As long

as we get out of this wind.

Yeah. I'm freezing.

A long way from home.

This place is gross.

It's like my Uncle's bathroom.

Everybody look for something we can use.

Anything can help. Just look around.

We got some nice,

comfy cushions in here.

I'm not sitting down on those.

It's colder in here than it is outside.

Can you please close

the goddamn door? Thank you.

The frame is crooked.

This disaster don't look

too secure, guys.

Well, if you know of a better place,

I'm sure we'd all love to hear about it.

It's not like we planned to get cozy

by the fire, kick back and watch T.V.

Seriously, though, we all got to hydrate

and get some energy in us.

You know what? You do that, Jimmy,

and I'm going to eat some food

and maybe drink something.

All right. So, what do you guys got?

Cookies, granola bars, trail mix.

Here, you know what? Let's make a table.

Yeah, grab that.

No, get the big one, yeah.

Here you go.

Seriously? This is all you guys brought?

Remind me not to bring you guys

on my next trip.

Jolly Rancher, tangy meat-flavored.

Highly recommended. Want one?

Yeah.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to share that with me, right?

Seriously? You didn't bring a drink?

Dude, look. Come on.

You've got to be kidding me, guys!

I thought you said you'd be ready

and you had all your stuff prepared.

You know what? Fine.

Still want it?

Why would you do that, man?

That's disgus...

- You're sick, dude. You're sick.

- I love it.

Jimmy, are you seriously going to sit there

and drink that whole thing in front of us?

Yeah, you know...

We could kill you right now.

- And nobody would ever find your body.

- What...?

No, I lied. I don't want it. That's gross.

That tastes like pond water.

Hey, at least it's warm pond water.

You know Jimmy. He probably

put laxative in it or something.

- It's just herbal tea and honey.

- Yeah, pond water.

Hey, Art, I bet you he pissed in it.

Come on, man!

- You suck.

- Any more goodies in that bag, Jimmy?

- Sterno can.

- Fire it up.

- Yeah.

- Nice.

There we go.

Ain't that the prettiest thing

you've ever seen?

We've got to be hyper-vigilant

about our use of time.

You know, can you just for once try

and use some one-syllable words

you know, for us regular retards?

All I'm saying is that the ice

can be unpredictable, okay?

- That's five syllables.

- Ice is formed from crystals,

- which are hexagonal...

- Wait. What is that?

- Four syllables?

- Four syllables!

- Hexagons of oxygen and hydrogen...

- Six syllables! He's going up!

In the middle of each hexagon,

is a hole.

- Three!

- Three syllables!

Look how smart he is!

Look how smart he is!

- He's too freaking smart!

- It's a hole.

That hole is why ice floats.

It's less dense than water.

- What happens if somebody falls in?

- Nobody's going to fall in.

- He'd turn into a popsicle.

- Worse.

Most people think

it's hypothermia, but...

the killer write-off

is cold-shock response.

You gasp uncontrollably

until you inhale water and drown.

If that doesn't get you,

then there's a good chance

that the blood returning to your heart

is so cold that you go into cardiac arrest.

You die.

- Thank you, sunshine.

- I just sh*t my pants.

I am in a great mood. Thanks for that.

Jesus.

Man. But at least your dad knows

something about cooking.

- You two aren't going to starve.

- What do you mean?

It's a small town, Case.

People are so wrapped up in gossip here.

They don't have any lives of their own.

Well, I hope you guys like

hotdogs medium-well to frozen.

- Mine's getting toasty.

- Give me that.

Everyone okay?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God!

- What the hell!

- Nice going, dipshit!

What a deathtrap.

Where's my glove?

Hey! Hey!

- What?

- You okay, man?

What's up, buddy?

Don't you guys ever take a break?

Come on, guys. Let's go. We got a lot

of ground to cover and not much light.

Look, I'm just saying, I'm fine, but...

I just need to catch my breath, okay?

- I was so stupid for letting you come.

- It's too far to turn back now.

- I have no idea where we are.

- We've got to be at least halfway, right?

It's hard to tell without any landmarks.

- Jesus. We're not even halfway.

- No!

Look, I told you jerk-offs

it wasn't going to be easy, okay?

- It's not like we're quitting.

- Jimmy, where are we going?

We get even a couple degrees off and we

could be going to the middle of the lake,

and next thing you know, it's spring.

We need to go in a heading

of 170 degrees, so...

New York is more that way.

Okay. Let's just get going, man.

I'm freezing my balls off.

- You won't need them.

- Yeah, but your mom will.

I thought we were here to skate, man.

- Relax, man! It was a joke!

- What the hell is your problem, man?

We're here for a reason, aren't we?

Can we just go? Can we just skate, please?

Crack!

Crack!

Crack!

Another crack!

Stop! Guys, stop! Look out!

- Brake!

- Guys, stop!

- Get back!

- Holy sh*t, man!

That thing is huge!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God.

You guys coming or what?

What, are you serious?

If we fall in the thing, they'll be

taking us home on a plank, bro.

Take the tampons out

and just jump it. I did it!

- No.

- Come back, Rudy.

I'm not going back.

Figure it out, pussies. Hurry up!

No... no way. It's too far.

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