Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

1

Michelle screamed

as loud as she could

as she ran through

the graveyard.

But if anyone heard her,

they didn't answer.

As soon as she found herself

in front of the old mausoleum,

Michelle had no choice.

She had to go inside

and look for help.

She opened the creaking door

and crept slowly into the lobby.

She called out.

Again, there was only silence.

Then suddenly behind her

she heard a sound.

She turned around, and

saw her boyfriend Steve...

with his belt wrapped

around his neck,

hanging from the

back of the door.

And he was drenched in blood!

- What happened next?

- He screwed her.

- Nice language.

- Hey, listen to this.

There's this fried chicken place

down the road from my house,

and my sister's best friend

got served a fried rat.

No way. I've heard this

story a thousand times.

I know a true story.

There used to be this camp

about 60 miles from here.

- Camp Arawak.

- Yeah, I heard about that,

- and all these kids got killed.

- Shut up.

Like the little brat

was saying...

All these kids

started getting killed.

A bunch of little kids

were hatcheted to death.

And a girl got stabbed

while taking a shower.

One of the cooks got

boiled in some water.

Mmm, tasty!

The owner of the camp,

he got it in his neck

with an arrow.

Well, it ended up

that the killer

was this shy 14-year-old girl

that everybody picked on,

except she wasn't-

Phoebe, you're supposed to

be in the cabin. Let's go.

- Just a second.

-

Except this girl,

she wasn't a girl.

Phoebe, let's go.

She was really a he.

His aunt had been

dressing him up like a girl

ever since he was

four years old.

If you don't get

over here right now-

Keep your shirt on!

They found him naked

on the beach,

holding the chopped-off

head of another camper.

Jesus.

About 30 people were killed and

the camp had to be closed down.

The end!

Ready?

Wait! What happened

to the killer?

I heard two stories.

One that he's dead,

and two that he's in Hollywood,

playing the dark-haired

girl on The Facts of Life.

Bullshit.

- She's alive.

- It's a guy.

Not anymore.

He went into a psycho

ward a couple years ago.

And while he was there, the

doctors gave him a sex change,

and our parents'

taxes paid for it!

Well, he or she or whatever

got out a couple years ago.

How do you know about this?

My dad's a cop.

He helped arrest her.

Actually, Sean is dating her.

That still doesn't mean that

he can't be in Hollywood.

- Let's get him! Get him!

- Stop! Quit it! Quit it!

It's only the

second week of camp

and you're already

getting into trouble.

Give me a break. All I did was-

All you did was sneak away from

the cabin to be with the boys!

Angela, T.C. was there and

he's the head counselor.

Slut.

And then you tell

that awful story,

scaring those kids

half to death.

You don't deserve to be at camp.

I should send you home.

I don't believe this.

Screw you, Angela!

If you want to

send me home, fine.

See if I care.

Sh*t.

I can't see any damn thing.

Damn it.

This isn't the way back.

Angela!

Angela, come on.

I... I'm sorry.

Where the hell are you?

Right here.

That's what you get for

not obeying your counselor.

And here's what you get

for telling evil stories

and having such a filthy mouth.

What a bad camper.

Wake up, everybody.

Breakfast in half an hour.

What are you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen

a pair of b*obs before?

Aw, leave her alone, Ally.

I mean, she's only looking

at that long black hair

growing out of your left nipple.

- Ha, ha.

- Hey, where's Phoebe?

Hey, all her stuff's gone.

Did you see her

come in last night?

- No, no, not me.

- Hey, what about you guys?

Wasted!

Maybe she got smart. Ran away.

I had to send her home.

What?

I had no choice.

I found her doing things

with the boys last night

that she had no business doing.

I know the rest of you

are nice young ladies

and you won't get

into any trouble.

And Ally.

I'm sure we'd all agree

that you have nice breasts.

But I'd appreciate it if

you wore a nightgown

to bed from now on.

I always sleep in the nude.

Nice girls don't

have to show it off.

Okay, let's get showered.

- Poor Phoebes.

- Forget her, she's lucky.

- She got to go home.

- I wonder what she did?

Must have been pretty serious.

Maybe she got naked

in front of the boys.

Remember, ladies: Nice girls

don't have to show it off.

God, what's Angela's problem?

I mean, who's going

to see me, anyway?

The tit patrol, that's who.

- Get anything good?

- Ally and Mar.

- Alright.

- Man.

I love this camp.

You know, I was really

surprised at Phoebe, Uncle John.

She seemed like she

was such a good girl.

Well, you did what

you had to do.

What did her parents say?

What could they say?

I'm sure it's not pleasant

hearing your daughter tries to

seduce every boy at camp.

I used to brag that every good

kid in New York came here,

and now I have trouble filling

half the cabins

with God knows who.

Whatever happened to

the good kids in the world?

Oh, don't talk like

that, Uncle John.

There's lot's of good kids, we

just have to weed out the bad.

Get a life.

Here you go, Leia.

Just keep your tits growing.

Maybe you'll quit

looking at mine.

You're not supposed

to give food away.

I'm telling, Ally-

Good morning, campers.

(Hi, A")!-

What, no breakfast?

Right, like I'm gonna

eat that sh*t?

Well, the eggs are runny, but

the oatmeal's okay.

Oh, come on.

The oatmeal looks as

gross as the sh*t sisters.

The sh*t sisters?

Jodie and Burke Schote.

Schote, sh*t, get it?

They look like they're

stoned all the time.

They are.

Not that getting

stoned can't be fun.

Just not all the time.

So, uh, Molly...

Do you get stoned?

No.

Good girl.

Hey, did you hear

what happened to Phoebes?

Yeah, tough breaks.

What's the big, bad thing

she did, anyway?

Nothing, just sat and talked.

That's it?

At least once she was with us.

God, I thought Angela

was gonna kill her.

How do you put

up with that b*tch?

She's not that bad.

Oh, come on Molly,

you've got to admit

she's a little bit weird.

Weird isn't even

the word for it.

I think she's a dyke.

I'm totally serious.

- Good morning, campers.

- Good morning, Uncle John.

Let's start this lovely day

with a lovely song from

our lovely Angela Johnson.

Before she does,

let's all congratulate her

for being counselor of the week!

She kicks out Phoebes and they

make her counselor of the week?

Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

I was once a camper myself.

But it wasn't

anything like this.

Camp Rolling Hills is the best!

Can I have Molly Nagel

and Ally Burdus up here

to help me with

our morning song?

- No.

- Come on, Al.

Go on up.

Okay.

We'll do my favorite:

The Happy Camper song.

Don't forget the hand movements.

Oh, I'm a happy camper.

I love the summer sun.

I love the trees and forests.

I'm always having fun.

Oh, I'm a happy camper.

I love to see the sky.

And with the grace of God,

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