Sleeping with Other People
1
Matthew!
Hey!!!
Where are you?
Matthew!!
Stupid.
Matthew! Are you gonna
f*** me or what?
On it.
On it like a bonnet.
On it like a bonnet -
alright, fight club,
what the hell is going on here?
- I'm a guest!
Unless someone signed
you into the building,
you are not a guest.
Alright? Please.
- Man, I miss my friend.
- Don't take that tack with me.
Please don't put me
in this position.
Why are you doing this?
I'm going to have to
call the campus police.
Jordan, she's my guest.
- She's your guest?
- Yes. She's... Hey Stephanie!
- Yeah.
Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you.
Stephanie... Sanders.
- Stephanie Sanders.
Right here.
Just take care of her, okay?
Oh yeah, I got this.
This is all taken care of.
You don't have to
worry about that.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
- Thank you.
- Sorry.
- Oh, rock-and-roll.
- What?
- I said Rock and roll.
- Oh...
Alright, this is us.
Us... You're funny.
Nice porn.
Yeah. Ha.
Nice panties.
Who are you?
I'm Jake.
Lainey.
That's a nickname they
Elaine's a great name.
It's like Elaaaine!
Elaaaine!
Hey, if you ever even
mention The Graduate again,
I will slit your throat.
Okay, Lainey.
Glad we got that cleared up.
Welcome to my Thursday night.
You ehm...
and smoke drugs?
This sucks.
You know what I was
gonna do tonight?
Judging from your outfit
I'd say scale a mountain?
Lose my virginity.
Hold on a second... You were
going to lose your virginity to
Matthew Sobvechik in 11B
at Ween Dormitory?
He's the TA in my
pre-med bio class.
I'm deliberately failing to
get work sessions with him.
We fool around after he teaches
Jesus... How Matthew Sobvechik
managed to bag such a
delightfully unhinged hottie,
by being the most boring
f***ing guy on this
Well, I'm in love with him.
Come on, there's no way
you love Matthew Sobvechik,
Lainey, you having sex with
Matthew Sobvechik is basically
the same thing as me telling
an Aborigine in the Australian
outback that he's about to
listen to the Beatles for the
first time - and then
I play Blues Traveler.
That's a cruel joke for I will
have just tricked him into
thinking Blues Traveler is the
greatest band of all time.
Okay, now if you were to sleep
with Matthew Sobvechik you will
be addicted to mediocrity
for the rest of your life.
And that barely covered vagina
that. It doesn't
deserve John Popper,
it deserves John Lennon. Okay?
You understand me?
I'm talking about, like,
the White Album. Not Hook.
Tell me what sex is like?
- Oh my god, you have
got a one track mind.
- F*** you.
Enlighten me.
You want me to tell you
what sex is like, huh?
- Tell me.
- Okay.
You better be ready.
- You ready?
- Yes.
Sex is like...
kissing with your entire body.
Very sensual experience.
It's like shooting heroin
in a controlled yet
moist environment. You know?
You know what it's like - it's
I mean just the right
tinge of danger.
Oh my god.
What?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
So I haven't technically...
- actually...
really done it yet...
Why are you laughing at me?
That's not...
But you're so old!
F*** you!
I didn't call you an old virgin!
I'm shocked.
I'm shocked. You're so cute.
Why are you giving
me sh*t? You can't get the
most boring dude in
our dorm to sleep with you.
You know, that's ridiculous.
You're the one who should be...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset I was
I thought we were joking around.
So I was joking.
This was all very romantic and
then you just f***ed it up.
It was?
I'm so sweaty all of a sudden.
You're incredible.
guy crazy some day.
Hey!
Hey, Hannah!
Hannah!
Hannah!
Leave me alone!
- Come on, I can do this all
the way to Brooklyn...
Whoa easy.
Easy... Easy...
Hey, did you see me take out
that cab? Sydney Bristow style!
Thank god you stopped.
Okay? Please. Please
- You're disgusting!
- Okay, maybe you're right.
You might be right.
- How could you f*** her, Jake?
I- Look-
Oww!!
- How could you even kiss
me after you f***ed her!
What are we doing in the
middle of the street?
- Because I hope we f***ing die!
- Please, come on.
Let's get off the street, okay?
Okay, look, look, look, look,
look. Hey, hey, hey...
I appreciate your anger,
I really do, okay.
the exercise, but I do believe
there are exactly three points
we should discuss. Okay?
First off, in our initial
conversations about exclusivity,
I distinctly recall you saying
something about staying casual.
Yeah?
- I only said that...
thought that was what I wanted
to hear. Yes?
- Yes!
- Okay. Well... Me taking you
at your word doesn't make me
an a**hole. It does
however make you a liar.
You're such a piece of sh...
- Hey second second point. Okay?
If you really, actually
wanted monogamy,
why have casual sex with
me for three months?
I mean, if you want
to grow flowers,
you don't plant them in a
closet. So either you're stupid
or deep down inside you
don't want monogamy either.
You f***ed my best friend!
Which brings me to my third
and final point. Your chief
complaint is not that I screwed
someone; it is who I screwed.
That's what it's about, right?
So much like the
counter-intuitive plan to
secure an exclusive
relationship with a guy that
you don't actually
want to date - moi,
your issue with me and Sarah...
- Do not say her name!
- Your issue with us is purely
driven by a societal insecurity,
not to mention a culturally
infused female competition.
My heart goes out to you ladies.
Baby. You're a bad liar.
You're not stupid.
And she can't hold
a candle to you.
Can we please go home?
Please?
You know, get out of
these wet clothes.
Dry each other off
using friction.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Good,
You got a girlfriend, Charles?
No.
Playing the field, huh?
Be careful, you know.
Why?
I don't know if I have
time to answer that.
Wow. Bathroom f***ing stinks.
Um, what were we talking about?
So I said to Jack-
I said Jack, Lainey and I,
we're looking to buy.
Maybe have a kid.
I hope it's okay that
I said that by the way.
I mean, you haven't changed your
mind or anything, have you?
Because I know you don't want
to get married, but you know,
make some sort of commitment to
a place, maybe Kensington,
maybe Prospect Heights.
What's up little nugget, what
are you doing with the notebook?
Sam. I have to read
you something.
You've been writing again?
- Sweetie, that's great!
- No... I was never writing.
- Honey, yes!
- It was one short story...
- Yes, that is great!
No, listen. Listen.
I want to tell you something;
look at me. Look at me, okay.
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"Sleeping with Other People" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 2 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/sleeping_with_other_people_18292>.
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