Sleuth Page #4

the whole thing in drag.

Kiss me, you fool.

I can fight it no longer, Darling.

If you must go, don't look back.

Andrew--

Jesus Christ ! Who's that ?

So that's where you've been,

auntie Maude. Naughty girl.

Shall we decide on the dress then ?

- No, I don't like it.

- Oh, well, you are a

choosy one, aren't you ?

There doesn't seem to be

a very great deal left.

We'll just have to settle for Joey.

Joey !

Now you're talking. A clown !

Can't you see it all-- the sawdust ring,

the tinsel, the glitter, the lights ?

The elephants, the high wire,

the roar of the crowd.

Merry Milo Tindle, the kiddies' delight !

- This is all right.

- Off with your jacket !

- That's right. Your shirt

and your trousers.

- What for ?

Oh, we don't want the Police to find

any fibers from this beautiful cloth.

You've no idea how clever they are

in those laboratories of theirs.

- We won't take any risks, you and I.

- That's right.

Down to your smalls. Don't be shy.

I know a well brought-up boy

when I see one !

Folds his trousers at night !

170,000 pounds

tax-a-free cash

Eccomilo

Eccomilo

Hey ! Slap shoes !

Do you know, I've always

wanted a pair of these,

ever since my father took me to

the Palladium when I was a kid.

I might have got on in show business,

you know. You never know.

A lot of my friends did. They

got to the top. You know how ?

They danced their way in.

Danced their way in.

You know, I guess that vaudeville's

loss was hairdressing's gain.

- Talking of gain, are we ready ?

- Yes !

Ladies and gentlemen,

your attention, please !

The Grand Parade !

Make way for Tindolini,

The kiddies' favorite !

Crazier than Kelly !

Greater than Grock !

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

in the center ring,

The king of the clowns,

Milo, the merry madcap !

- He thinks I'm funny !

- Oh, you are funny.

Turn it off !

Now, then. One glass cutter

for breaking in with.

One piece of putty for holding on

to the piece of glass so it doesn't

clatter to the ground...

and awake the ravenous Doberman Pinscher

you suspect lurks inside.

- And one stethoscope.

- Stethoscope ?

Safebreakers, for the use of.

The theory is, you tried to

pick the lock of the safe...

By listening to the tumblers-- you failed

and had to resort to dynamite.

- Dynamite ? What for ?

- Safes, for the blowing open of.

But leave that to me.

Now, how about a bizarre touch ?

A tear-drenched pom-pom impaled

upon a splinter of glass ?

Why not take a full-page ad in the Times...

And sell tickets for the cops

to come and watch ?

Pom-poms. I was only trying to lighten

Inspector Plodder's day for him,

but if you don't like--

- There is no such animal as

Inspector Plodder...

outside your detective stories !

It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke

who knows his job down to the last detail !

You can bet your bottom dollar on that !

And I can't move in this outfit !

These bloody boots are ridiculous !

But you loved them so ! Do keep them on !

Can't you see the headlines ?

"Wiltshire paralyzed, Police baffled.

Where will Big Boot strike next ?"

Right in the ass, that's where-- mine.

All those boots will tell the police

is that a true professional,

realizing that the flower beds

would carry footprints,

decided to disguise his own.

Now, do come along.

Now, have you got everything ?

- Glass cutter, putty...

- Yes, yes, yes.

- And the stethoscope ?

- I've got everything.

Oh, Milo, you are marvelous.

- You are the complete clown.

- Thank you.

Very clever !

Now, come along with me

and listen carefully.

Go around the house to your left,

and cross the lawn diagonally.

In the far corner you'll find a shed.

In the shed you'll find a ladder.

Bring it back here and lean it up against

the great window in the main room...

so that you can break in on the upper

landing-- understanding ?

- Upperlanding ?

- Yes.

I suppose you couldn't come and hold

the ladder steady for me, could you ?

Certainly not. I don't want my

footprints in the flower beds.

- I'm not very good at heights.

- Well, don't look down.

Concentrate instead on thick

bundles of crisp pound notes,

170,000 of them, in cash, tax-free.

Good luck, partner.

- Don't forget your gloves.

- What a way to make a living.

Puss, Puss, Puss.

Did you hear a noise, Puss, hmm ?

Was that a footstep in the garden ?

No, no. I must be mistaken.

There it is again.

What's that ?

Somebody outside, prowling around

the grounds, I'm certain of it.

Now, now, now. We mustn't imagine things.

Who would harm a kindly

old spinster like me ?

The front door's locked

and the windows too.

Aye, no one could possibly

break into our snug little home.

For Christ's sake, Milo !

They couldn't have made

more noise on D-Day !

The bloody glass came out, me

bloody boot got stuck, and I

fell down the bloody ladder !

Well, the bloody Police must have heard

it all the way to bloody Salisbury !

I'm sorry !

Somehow I thought you'd be better

than that at climbing ladders.

- Now for the jewels.

- Oh, not straightaway.

You're not supposed to know where they are.

You have to hunt about a bit first.

Disturb a few things. If you'd be good

enough to follow me, Miss Rebecca.

A turnstile into the bedrooms ?

One way or another,

one always pays to get in.

The Mistress's bedroom--

or would you know your way about ?

- The Mistress or her bedroom ?

- It's irrelevant.

Now, Milo, where to begin, hmm ?

The bottom drawer, the trousseau drawer ?

Ah, the frillies !

Take 'em out ! Vandalize them !

Come on, Milo. You're a burglar,

not a Lady's maid.

Don't pack them. Ravage them !

Come on, Milo !

Oh, excellent. Now tear that.

That's better !

Now, where would Milady hide the trophies

of her skilled accomplishments, hmm ?

Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds, sapphires...

Interleaved among her

lace-edged underclothes,

Stuffed into the false bottoms of hat boxes,

Sewn into the hems of always

the latest, had-to-have,

at-once-discarded Parisian dresses.

Or perhaps secretly...

concealed in the back of this.

What better safe deposit for deceit, hmm ?

How often has it reflected

the bright eyes that betray ?

The mouth that lied

and kissed and lied again !

I thought it was me who was supposed

to be doing the ravaging.

So it was, so it was.

Merely demonstrating, I was.

- Be a good fellow. Stamp on that, will you ?

- Why me ?

I'm afraid if I broke it, I'd get

seven more years of Marguerite.

Thank you.

- Now where's your bedroom ?

- M-mine ?

- It's my turn to demonstrate.

- Oh, my dear Milo.

Having failed to find the jewels among

the Lady's personal possessions--

Be a bit suspicious-- a professional

burglar playing favorites.

On the contrary. An intelligent

burglar would immediately look...

for the next-most-likely hiding place.

- Which is where ?

The inevitable safe. Just blow it

open and steal what's in it.

Come on, Milo.

Right.

- What kind of charge you got here ?

- Oh, enough for the job.

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