Sliding Doors

Hello, Helen... I' d almost

forgotten you work here

I know, I know, you'd almost

forgotten I work here...

but I swear I was up all night toying

with ideas for the fashion show...

...and I've really hit

on something. You see...

What?

I took four bottles of vodka on Friday,

it was my birthday, you know that

I was having a party and I was

running late, so I borrowed some

I bought some more to replace it

Not a lot of use to me when

I had nothing to offer the executives

who dropped by late Friday

Off the top of my head, you could

have told them you'd run out

It's, it's popular stuff

Bullshit, bullshit... We're in PR.

That's what we do, isn't it?

But you didn't do that,

did you, Paul?

No

So I'm out... am I?

Well, this is just perfect

Congratulations. You've wanted me

out for ages, now you've done it.

Very well done

For theft. Pretty foolproof

Okay, I'll go... I'll go

I was getting a bit choked up with all

the testosterone flying about the place

Best I get out before

I start growing a penis

Oh! Told you... lesbian

I really didn't think it'd be

so easy to crack, did you?

No

Oops

Thank you

District Line information.

Due to a derailment at Victoria...

...District Line trains are

subject to extensive delay

We suggest you find

alternative means of transport

Are you all right, love?

Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut

Might need a couple of stitches...

Come on

Oh-oh... Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?

What?

'Elastic Thrombosis'.

They're guilty of lyric poaching

They're Beatles' lyrics,

aren't they?

I don't know, sorry

Of course you do. Come on,

everyone is born knowing all

the Beatles' lyrics instinctively

They're passed into the foetus subconsciously

along with all the amniotic stuff

In fact, they should be called

'The Foetles'

Not a fan, clearly

It's funny the way nobody

talks on the tubes, isn't it?

I mean, I rarely catch

the tube myself but, er... or lifts

Confined spaces,

everybody shuts down. Why is that?

Perhaps we think everyone else

in the tube or the lift

is a potential psychopath

or a drunk...

...so we close down and pretend

to... read a book or something

You've got a terrible tea stain

on your book

Look, I don't think you're a psychopath.

I just want to read my book

I, I understand. I apologise

I'm in a little bit of a good mood

today as a matter of fact so I'll just

...sorry

Have we met before?

No, no, honestly, honestly,

I'm, you... you seem familiar

I don't think so

Yes... Yes, you were

in the lift just now

You dropped your earring,

I picked it up

Oh yes, you did... Thank you

Pleasure

Do you work there?

I did do but I've just

been fired. Okay?

Oh no, that's... that's horrible,

I'm sorry

It's okay, you didn't do it

I thank you for your concern and glad

you're in a good mood, et cetera

I thank you for picking up my earring

but... I just want to read my book

Well, I get off at this stop.

I'm only telling you in case

you get off at this stop, too...

...and you get up before me

and then I get up and you think

I'm following you which I'm not

I mean, I wouldn't. I mean...

...you know

I really didn't mean any offence.

Please forgive me

I'm really not a nutcase...

I apologise

Excuse me. Um, I'm sorry

I, I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a

psycho or anything, it's just that, um

...I'm not, I'm not that good at,

um... you know, um...

Constructing sentences?

Anyway...

I'm James

Helen

I never figured out

why we didn't make it, Gerry

You went back to America, remember?

I couldn't afford the bus fares

I came back though

Turn my back for three lousy years and you

callously ditch me for another woman

Mmm, I know, I suppose

I'm just naturally impetuous

I live with someone. A man.

I live with a man

Really?

Mmm! I have people consider soul mates

who don't confide in me this much

And what would he say if he knew you were

walking up from the tube in broad daylight

...with a complete stranger?

Mmm, big deal

Well, it was nice to meet you,

Helen... Sorry about your job, really

I suppose being a Gemini

can have its down sides

Hey, remember what

the Monty Python boys say?

What..."Always look

on the bright side of life"?

No..."Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition"

What?

I didn't think you liked Elton John

I, I do, I do sometimes

You really shouldn't just stop like that.

Set a woman back three days

doing a thing like that

Who is she?

She's Lydia

Well, I've had a dreadful day

I got sacked.

And so did you it would seem

Cup of tea?

That'd be nice

You bastard! You bastard!

You useless shagging bastard!

I come home and catch you up to

your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva

I am working all hours to support you while

you are supposedly writing your first novel

How long?

Huh?

Do you love her?

No, don't tell me,

I'm not interested

I'm only asking because I need

to know exactly how big a mug I am

Look, er... Iook...

Hello?

Helen? Is that you?

No, it's your bit of stuff.

Wednesday... shag day, remember?

Have you just got up, you lazy git?

Er, no. Er... well I, er...

...I didn't sleep that well

last night and then, er...

you know when you left I kind

of... I went into a really, er...

...a really, really deep, deep,

er, deep, deep sleep

And, er... I think I might be, er, coming,

coming down with, er... anyway, er

...what are you doing home

at this time of...

Oh my God, what happened to you?

Well, it depends.

Which story do you want first?

What?

Well... I got mugged. And...

What are you doing?

I can't stand Elton John.

You know that

Well, anyway... listen, tell me...

...what happened?

What happened to your head?

Well, I got mugged

and sacked only not in that order

Although it wasn't an actual mugging,

it was only an attempted mugging

according to the policeman...

...because they didn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

wait a sec, wait a sec.

Come here... Come here

Now sit down. Just sit here. Okay?

Now... now you're in shock, darling,

okay. You've had a bit of

a little bit of a shock. Okay?

Now just relax

Um... do you want a brandy?

It's four in the afternoon

Of course it is... sorry

Gerry!

Are you okay?

Me? I'm fine... Um, I'm fine.

I'm just... No, anyway, anyway

Tell, tell, tell me what happened

And I just couldn't help

thinking...

if I had just caught that bloody

train it would never have happened

I'd have been home ages ago

Oh, well, you don't want to go

wondering about things like that

You know, um,'if only this',

and 'what if that'. I mean...

It's done now

Come on

Follow

Splash

I'm going to take you out...

and get you alarmingly out of

your head on Grolsch and then...

Dry

Thank you

Um, and then follow, follow,

follow, follow, follow...

and then when you've sung all your

favourite Barbra Streisand songs

at the top of your voice...

and got us slung out of the pub...

Ah, here we are. Yeah, put this on

I'm going to let you have intimate

carnal knowledge of a Lamb Passanda

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