Sliding Doors Page #2

...which I know your diet

does not allow, with a...

...double Tarka Dahl

which you can then, er...

...puke up all over the, er...

pristine doorstep of Herr

and Frau Goebbels next door and...

I'll help you

Oh, I love you, Gerry

Gerry! She's not here!

Anna, you're Helen's best friend.

I mean, where else would she be?

Come in and search the place

if you want. She's not here, Gerry

What is it you've done anyway? It can't be

that nice if she's walked out on you

Okay, look, I, I'm sorry.

Look, if she comes here...

...just let me know or, or get her

to ring me or, or something

That's all I ask

Like you say, Gerry,

I'm Helen's best friend

If she comes here

I'll do what she asks

Well, she's got a point...

You can't stand Elton John

Russell, forget about Elton John.

That's not the issue. What do I do?

Gerry...

you've been telling me for weeks

you couldn't hack it juggling

between Helen and Lydia...

...and you wish you hadn't

got involved with her again

I know

And you didn't think you were

cut out for infidelity

I know

But you couldn't end it with Lydia,

'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it

And I told you that something

if you remember my words,

something 'ungoverned by you'

would happen...

...to bring the situation to a head

And... something has

It's not funny actually, Russell

No, I'm sorry, old man...

I beg to differ

It is funny.

It's very, very, very funny

And look at you, it's not as though

you're rushing frantically

about the place trying to find her

I went to Anna's. She wasn't there

Oh, you went to Anna's. Boy,

you're a one man SAS crack unit

You want my opinion?

Will I like it?

Well, of course not...

It'll be based on reality

No, no, no. You don't advertise

a new restaurant. It's very uncool

It's word of mouth... People talk

And how do these people who talk know where

you are so that they can talk about you?

Hey, listen, it's your restaurant,

Clive. I just want it to work

Helen

Hello, James. Rather annoying

chatty bloke on the tube

Oh yes, hi

You look all stressed up

with nowhere to go

It's only a job,

you'll get another one

No, it's something else, isn't it?

You know sometimes it helps

to just say whatever it is out loud

Of course it also helps if people

just mind their own business

and leave you alone. I'm sorry

When I left you at the tube earlier,

I went home and found my boyfriend...

...in bed with another woman. Sh*t!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's... I mean, what an idiot

It's okay, you weren't to know

No, not me, your boyfriend.

He's an idiot

Sorry, it's not my place

It's okay

Well, look, if it makes you feel any better,

you see that bloke over there?

Not only does he own a personalised

matching set of crocodile skin luggage...

...but his favourite TV programme

is'Baywatch'

So you see there's always someone

sadder than you

Do you love him?

No, I could never

love a 'Baywatch' fan

Hey, you did a joke in the midst

of your turbulent emotional state

That's very positive

Listen, you decide you want

company we're over here... Okay?

I'm really sorry, Helen

Two of your most disgustingly

large Grolsches, please...

...and a large Jack Daniels

with ice, and I'll have the same

You're behind. Can we have another?

Fifteen?

Gerry came looking for you

Is it what I think?

Depends

Is what you think that I walked in on him

shagging 'Lydia' in my bed and I walked out?

Pretty much

Then, yes

Oh, hold up... hold up

This morning was sensational

Oh, I can't...

sorry, I can't hear you

I can't hear you

Gerry, can you hear me?

Didn't know it was on

Ready, steady, go!

I'll see you, Clive

Who's that?

My friend

Come on, you... Let's get you home.

You drunken eejit

And again

Come along

Can I give you a lift anywhere?

Er... yeah.

That, that'll be great, thank you

Oh, hands up

if you drank too much, eh?

Hey... I'm not as drunk

as thinkle peep I am

Put a wick in her mouth

and she'd burn for a fortnight

Um, 9 Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot

French bean, some chicken,

some rice...

...one more little Indian

No. Oh, come on.

Really, I'll be sick

Well, we're on schedule for that

but we've gotta move location...

...so just don't swallow

for ten minutes

He didn't fancy me

He, he offered us a lift.

He was just being concerned

Uh-huh... Well let me tell you,

if he was being that concerned about me

...I wouldn't be helping you

into bed right now

Am lin bed?

Yes... You're staying with me

for a while

Don't worry... You'll be fine

Just fine

There we go. There we go

Are you some peculiar, thus far

undefined breed of d*ckhead?

You have two head problems

One:
That was close... Very close

Put in layman's terms...

she nearly caught you

And two... and this is far

more worrying than the first one

You're talking to yourself

in the mirror again

Really bad sign

No, bigger sip... big, bigger sip.

Bigger sip... Don't throw up all over me

There are no PR jobs

I'm going to need

some part-time work, Gerry

What you need is a change of image

Er, you know that goes back like and then like

I don't know sort of comes like slant

No, no...

That's for you, sir

Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not

serving up 'mad cow' burgers in here, eh?

Well now then, let me see

I get up about seven thirty a. M...

...make and deliver sandwiches

in the West End during the day...

...before I come here about

six o' clock and finish at midnight

After that, if I've got any energy left,

I give my boyfriend a blow job

Would you like some mayonnaise

with that?

You don't mean that

I do... Really

So... you were together two

and a half years, and...

...you've been sitting here

like suicide on a stick for a week

Nine days, Anna

But bollocks to him?

Yes. I mean why hasn't he even called to see

if I'm okay to admit that he's a twat?

"Hello, Helen, it's Gerry

I'm a twat. Please come home,

I love you. " All that sh*t

Oh, I don't care anyway Bollocks

to him. I'm over him

Oh... you're over him

Yes. Totally and utterly

and completely over him

No, you're not

I am

You're not

Anna, I'm over him. What do you mean

I'm not? How do you know I'm not?

Well, two things really

One:
You're still counting how

long you've been apart in days...

...and probably hours and minutes

But... the big flashing red light way of

telling you're not really over someone

...is when you're still

reading their horoscope...

in the hope that they're going to get wiped out

in some freak napalming incident

Smart arse

What is he?

A wanker

Oh, Aries

Aries. Aries

Well... just shows how much I know

With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy... you will

get wiped out in a freak napalming incident

...and Helen says bollocks to you

This guy's very good

You go. No, I will. No, you

I'm not in, I'm out.

You don't know where or who with

Specially who with

Quickly, go on

I am not answering the door

like this

Anna, please, you have to.

It won't be him anyway

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