Sliding Doors Page #3

So there's no big deal, is there?

Bollocks to him

Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him.

Bollocks to him. Bollocks to him

Bollocks to him

Come on. You don't drink your fatty drinks,

you'll never really achieve quality cellulite

Haircut suits you by the way.

No, it does. It does, no gag

Never make a joke about women's hair,

clothes or menstrual cycles, page one

Look, James,

maybe I shouldn't be here

I'm sorry, I'm not being fair

You know, under normal... circumstances,

et cetera... you're really nice... and funny

My friend Anna thinks you're cute

Wait, hold, hold

Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?

Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?!

Sh*t, I just blew, wait...

Two eighty-five,

two eighty-five on the wrong girl

Helen, listen...

sometimes we are plonked into people's lives

when they just need to be cheered up and reassured

...and it turns out that

for some reason it's your job

We don't know why.

In your case it's my job

But I'll be honest...

the fact that I find you... moderately attractive

just makes the job easier on my part

My intentions are completely honourable

I have no desire to overstep the mark, seriously

D'you prefer diamonds or sapphires?

Sorry, nothing

'Moderately attractive'?

Uh-huh, I knew you were listening

Well, you know, lose the sad eyes,

the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade

So... having firml y established

the ground rules...

...what are you doing

two weeks on Saturday?

Probably killing myself

Excellent.

What time does that finish?

Do you like boats?

D'you know we haven't done that

for two months

Don't be daft

Two months... Almost to the day

Almost to the day? Listen to you

what are we, a survey?

Gerry...

...how did one of my Waterford crystal

brandy glasses get into the laundry basket?

To the where?

The laundry basket

I don't know. Can I answer

questions on 70s pop music?

Last week, when I got the sack

and I came back, am I going mad?

But there was a bottle of brandy and two

glasses on the dressing table, wasn't there?

I don't know.

I mean, I couldn't really say

Well, there were, I'm sure

Oh, hang on, no, wait a minute.

No, I, no, I could say

There was a bottle and one glass

because if you...

No, I'm certain there

were two glasses, Gerry

Helen, I'm... not sure I like

where this conversation is going

I, I told you, I couldn't sleep

so I got up in the night...

to get a drink to

knock myself out It was still there

in the afternoon when you got home

I mean you had also, that day if,

if you remember had taken a blow

to the, the, the, the head

We'd just had a party

Maybe one of y our mad friends

like Anna threw it there

I mean, Jesus

Let's, let's spoil the moment

properly, shall we?

What are you trying to say?

Am I shagging a brandy drinker? Yes

Gerry, ease up, will you,

for Christ's sake. I'm only asking

Oh, no, women never ask.

No, they don't ask, they insinuate

And you are insinuating, not very subtly,

may I add, that I am...

Thanks

No, no, no. No, no, no, no,

thank you, thanks

I mean... I mean thank you...

thank you

I mean this, you know, this,

this is the... this is the right time,

isn't it, to address our,

our relationship, isn't it?

I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect.

Perfect moment

Gerry, for God's sakes,

I asked a simple question

There's no need to

become Woody Allen

Thanks, James. I'm sorry

if you had a lousy time

Are you kidding?

In my book getting to drink

two chocolate milkshakes

in the one sitting represents

social splendour

It's one of the perks

of being shallow

Take care, Helen. You'll be fine

Thank you very much

It's amazing how you can actually learn

to despise inanimate objects...

...like tin openers

that don't open tins...

...egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna

Are you going out?

Yeah. I was just writing you a note

I'm off to the library.

I have some stuff to read up on

Okay

Yeah, well... I won't be

more than a couple of hours

Would you rather I didn't go?

Oh no, no, of course not. Go

Okay, bye

Lydia, what are you talking about?

She followed me

I said I was going

to the library...

...so I've come to the library,

for God's sake!

Of course I can't come now,

I mean what if she's still lurking

or waiting round the corner

or something?

Lydia, I don't know

why she followed me.

I'm not a sleuth! I have taken

two hours off work, Gerry...

Oh, look, look, please. No, okay,

please don't get hysterical

Don't get hysterical.

Look, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry

I've booked a hotel in Dorset.

Are we still going?

Do you wanna cancel it? I mean,

is, is she gonna follow us there?

Do you wanna end this Gerry

because I am...

Yes, I, I, I mean no. I, I mean,

no, I, I don't want

Of course we're still going.

I don't... don't, don't...

Don't, don't, don't, don't what?

I don't know

Look... we're going to dorset, okay.

We're going to have a great time... and, er

...I'll talk to you tomorrow

Right, that's the lot.

You don't live there anymore

Thanks for going again, Anna

Any evidence of 'her'?

Nothing that stood out

Hello?

Hi, it's James. Is Helen there?

Helen

It's James

Hello?

Yes, 'tonight' tonight, you know the tonight

that comes immediately after today

He wants to go out tonight

Go

Please come, it'll be a laugh

Um... okay

See you

Okay?

She doesn't wanna leave here

I know

She's really frail, James.

Do you want me to postpone my trip?

There's another course later

in the year

It's only a couple of weeks.

You should go

Are you sure?

It's not that important

It is important. I want you to go

Okay

It's going to be hard to

leave this place, James, but...

But you've still

got the London flat

You'll be nearer the hospital and you

can get much better crack in twon

Hey, you know

what the Monty Python boys say...

"Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition", I know

Exactly

...sorry, let me just...

...Lydia's becoming

more and more demanding...

and you, you feel bad because

Helen's working night and

day to keep the money coming in

But you've asked Helen to come on

a research trip to Dorset with you...

knowing that she wouldn't be

able to... to cover up the fact...

that you're really taking Lydia

And, and despite the fact that...

Lydia gave you an 'out' on

the phone, which you didn't take...

...you are having a moral dilemma

Gerry... you are

a morality free zone

If I had no morals,

would I be discussing it?

Whose idea was this trip...

yours or Lydia's?

You wanna get out

of this Lydia thing

I foresee problems

And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking

to yourself in the mirror again

Very bad sign

You've no compassion... None

Why do I bother confiding in you?

I'm your mate. I'm here to help you

I'm here to help you

Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition!

Our chief weapon is surprise

Surprise and fear.

Fear and surprise

Our two, two chief weapons

are surprise and fear

And a ruthless efficiency.

Our three...

...three main weapons are fear,

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