Smokey and the Bandit Part 3

Bandit, me and Fred've got a question.

What do you and Fred want?

- How come we doing this?

- Why not?

- They said it couldn't be done.

- That's the reason.

That's good with Fred. We're clear.

Ten-four.

I'm Big Enos Burdette.

This is my son, Little Enos.

Hold on to your ass, Fred.

What we're dealing with here...

is a complete lack of respect for the law.

Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice

look like a possum's pecker.

Daddy, look out!

- Daddy?

- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.

- What are you thinking about?

- Retiring.

Atten-hut!

You can all sit down now.

I want to thank you

nice ladies and gentlemen...

and my fellow officers...

for coming here this evening

to celebrate the retirement...

of an old friend, Sheriff Buford T. Justice.

I think I can truthfully say...

that tonight I feel as if I...

were emerging victoriously...

from a 35-year war.

A war to uphold law and order.

Daddy, I'm bored.

I'm bored hearing about your boredom.

That's why I went to all this trouble.

Now we're going to have fun!

As much fun as putting Ex-Lax

in the Dallas water supply?

Yeah, and then cornering the market

on toilet paper.

More fun than that.

And what fond memories

were brought back...

when I saw those 211s, the 502s...

and the DWls and the APBs...

but most of all, those hot pursuits.

You're going to pee in your pants

watching that county mountie...

hump across six states.

I don't think the Sheriff will

buy your plan, frankly.

Trust me, son. If there's one thing

that egomaniac can't refuse...

it's a public challenge.

BUFORD:
... that I have marched through

a wave of crime and criminals...

like crap through a moose.

In the '60s, I chased those pimply-faced,

long-haired hippies.

And I caught them.

- Then in the '70s, I chased-

- The Bandit!

What about The Bandit?

Yeah, Daddy? What about The Bandit?

Sit down, you tick turd!

I chased that boy for over 3,000 miles.

Through 20 states.

- But you didn't catch him.

- So I didn't catch him.

What the hell difference does it make?

But I'll bet-

- Okay.

- Okay, what?

- Okay, let's bet.

- What are you talking about?

What we're talking about

is a simple contest, a little race.

And if you win, Sheriff...

we Enoses are going to pony up $250,000.

If you lose, you fork over

that silly symbol...

you've been shoving in people's faces

all these years.

Your badge.

This badge means more to me

than anything else in the world.

And I'd like nothing more

than anything else in the world...

to run you into the ground.

You and that

excuse for a son,

who looks just like

a flea's pecker.

However, I'm going to retire.

I'm going down to Florida

and sit in the sun with my son.

Remember, we're talking about

an awful lot of money here.

So if you change your mind,

you know where to reach us.

Thanks, but no thanks.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

at this very moment...

I proclaim myself retired.

Buford T. Justice

Fearless law of Texas

The man who chased The Bandit

coast to coast

Buford T. Justice

Now you've up and left us

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

Some say you're a lunatic

Some say you're a buffoon

Some say you're a fooI

with a gun

Though you stuck to him like glue

Now who'd have thought you'd walk away

before the job was done

The man who chased The Bandit

coast to coast

Buford T. Justice

Now you've up and left us

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

You're a hero to your ego

a legend in your own mind

To serve and protect

has been your word

But can you stand to sit it out

when pride is on the line

And "What about The Bandit?"

was the last thing that you heard

You're Buford T. Justice

Fearless law of Texas

Man who chased The Bandit

coast to coast

Buford T. Justice

Now you've up and left us

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

Just like some old gray race horse,

you've been put to graze

They say you're over the hill now

and you've seen your better days

Like that old race horse,

you still hear that bell

If a hot chase was heaven

Now the good life is hell

Well, you took on all those outlaws

and the weirdoes with the hair

You stood for law and order all the way

Now, you're standing on your records

But does anybody care

You're still known as the boob

who let the big one get away

'Cause you're Buford T. Justice,

Fearless law of Texas

The man who chased The Bandit

coast to coast

Buford T. Justice

Now you've up and left us

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

Where are you, Justice

when we need you the most

Junior, retirement is cat sh*t.

Let's get the Enoses.

Oh, look, Daddy!

The June Taylor Dancers.

- There's our turkey.

- Let's go stuff him!

Daddy, they're taking our picture.

Wet your lips.

Shut up, sh*t.

Well, welcome, Sheriff.

What the hell's going on?

These are a few of Daddy's closest friends.

Just came to see you off.

Let's cut the crap and get down

to the nitty-gritty.

Well, you're a sporting man, Sheriff.

We're going to bet you $250,000...

against your tin star...

that you can't drive from here in Miami...

to the Enos Ranch

just outside of Austin, Texas...

by 5:
30 tomorrow afternoon.

That's only 1,400 miles. What's the catch?

There's the catch.

- Look at that big ugly fish, Daddy.

- Looks like your mama.

Smells like your mama, too.

That's our advertising campaign. Get it?

Fish and chips.

We're opening up fast-food franchises

all over the South.

Get that off the top of my car!

A little respect, Sheriff. That's our logo.

Daddy, what's a logo?

Something like a flounder.

That's in the great tradition

of American advertising.

And you got to carry it. Otherwise, no bet.

I get it.

You're trying to humiliate me

so I won't take the bet.

Get in the car, Junior.

Now then, Sheriff, be careful

with the badge.

It's going to make a beautiful

belt buckle for me.

If you get my badge...

it's going to be

a seven-pointed suppository.

He fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

- Be careful, Daddy!

- Don't worry, Junior.

I know a shortcut.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Daddy, we've been driving around

for two-and-a-half hours...

and we're still in downtown Miami.

I'm as confused as a baby raccoon.

I don't know where the hell we are.

- It's right here on the map.

- Get that damn thing out of my face!

I was only trying to help.

You want to help? Jump out the window.

Turn left here, Daddy.

Look at all these people, Daddy.

Junior, what you got us into now?

Come on, get out the way! We're in a hurry!

I think we've crossed the border.

Hey, you want to buy some food

for your fish?

Up yours and that fish.

Get the hell out of here.

I know what time it is.

Get back!

You'd think they never saw a car

with a big fish on top.

Ladies, nice ladies.

Could you possibly tell me...

how to get to the Florida Turnpike?

Thank you, nice ladies.

Thank you, you've been very helpful.

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