Someone Like You... Page #5

filled with ridiculous little factoids.

I mean, this is not a

full-time job. This is a hobby.

A sick, twisted,

pathetic little hobby.

You get paid to write about something

you're already obsessed with.

If you want anonymity,

we'll give you a pen name.

I personally think

it'd be cathartic for you,

and you'd be doing your dear,

sweet, wonderful friend a huge favor.

Pen name, huh?

I'm doing this once.

Do you hear me? One time.

- Fine. I'm telling you, it's gonna be fun.

- Fun?

I'm helping concoct the background

of a nonexistent scientist...

who's about to publish her delusional

theories in the nation's top men's magazine.

You're right. Ha!

This is fun.

Okay, try this. Um...

Born in Sussex, 1937.

Cofounder of the Institute of

Pathological Narcissism in Vienna.

- Who is she? - The recently

deceased Harriet Gould of Astoria.

No surviving relatives.

She's perfect.

- She even has a bun.

- That's her.

Dr. Marie Charles.

Oh, my God.

Every bull

begins a relationship...

with certain cards

up his sleeve... aces.

Tools of seduction

by which he lures a new cow.

One of the most

notorious examples...

is the current cow

sob story.

Allow me to deconstruct

the essential elements.

You're so easy to talk to,

not like my current cow.

This is key to understanding

the myth of male shyness,

for though you think

he is flattering you,

he is actually

flattering himself,

showing how open

and sensitive and honest he is.

I just try so hard and...

Well, I'm sure she doesn't

mean to be such a cold cow.

Just in case you're starting to think he's

a coldhearted, home-wrecking womanizer,

he'll throw this in just to prove

he's putting his current cow...

out to pasture for good reason,

and that he's actually tormented with

guilt at the thought of abandoning her.

What's that thing they always say

about the love of a good woman?

That, once offered,

it's guaranteed to come back...

and bite her in the ass.

- Enter case in point.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Thought you were with what's her name.

- Didn't work out.

- You have a little saddle sore on that white horse of yours?

- Okay, so what happened?

- Just lost interest.

What do you mean,

you lost interest?

How exactly?

Christ, Jane, do we really have

to have another postmortem?

I'm just curious is all.

So you went to a movie,

then back to her place?

Then what?

So we're in the kitchen

getting a drink,

and suddenly, she starts

looking for food.

We had dinner right after the

movie, but... I don't know.

She was still hungry.

She's always hungry, it seems.

And that's bad,

Women who eat?

Okay, so you're in the kitchen,

she's hungry again, inexplicably,

then what?

So she takes out a pint

of Haagen-Dazs... a pint...

and just starts eating it

right out of the container,

and there was just something

about it that turned me off.

Was the refrigerator door open?

- Why? - Answer the

question. Open or closed?

It was open, I think.

Would it have made a

difference if it were shut?

Would that have made the act of a

nonfat woman eating ice cream...

a little less revolting to you?

What if she'd not had dinner?

What if she were legitimately hungry...

before she shoved her face

into a trough of Haagen-Dazs?

Would it have repulsed you less

if she used a dish?

- Good night, you psycho!

- Good night, neophiliac!

- Are you sitting down?

Oprah read the article

on her show today.

The audience went so crazy for it,

she called us personally,

begging for Dr. Charles

to appear as her guest.

- What?

- I told everyone in P.R. A different story.

She's vacationing in Hong Kong.

She's at a conference in Tangiers.

- Oh, this is bad.

- No, no, no. This is all good.

Okay? Trust me.

I've got it all under control.

This won't come

anywhere near you.

"And so, while the male

may often seem shy...

"with all his Uriah Heep hand-wringin'

and 'aw, shucks' toe-kickin',

"he's actually a narcissist...

"because this apparent shyness belies

the more deeply rooted feelings...

"of unworthiness

and fear of rejection.

"And this is what compels him

to constantly seek attention...

from new cow after new cow

ad nauseam, ad infinitum. "

This is such great stuff.

It obliterates any sentimentality

we might have...

about what

noble creatures men are.

This right here is what we've been

looking for. It's-It's provocative.

It's clever. It's got mass

appeal written all over it.

There's just one problem. Nobody

can seem to find this woman.

The Today Show's tried.

Oprah's tried.

- Yeah, and have you tried?

- Eddie?

- Uh, well, no.

- Well, get on it!

Do you realize what

we're talking about here?

- The ungettable get?

- Yes!

I don't care what it takes.

You find that Dr. Marie Charles...

and bring her here

to my studio.

Let me get this straight. Your best

friend works at M magazine...

and she has no idea

where this cow doctor is?

That's what she said.

I don't buy that.

Why are you holding out on me?

I'm not!

I told you she's working on it!

- Just give me her number.

- I'm not gonna give you her number.

- Why not?

- She's working on it!

- Besides, you'd never reach her. She's at Jivamukti.

- Huh?

- Yoga.

- Yoga what?

- Jivamukti.

- Jiv...

- Manhattan. Jivamukti.

- Eddie!

It's a yoga place.

Eddie, don't be a jerk!

Eddie, come on!

- This is so ridiculous.

- Ohhh!

Hey, hey, you have

to leave your shoes in here.

Liz?

Excuse me.

Jerk, she is my best friend.

I would certainly know if...

- Jane?

Stay!

- Bring your leg up higher.

- Excuse me, sir, you're gonna have to leave.

Gee. Sorry. I know.

I'm just looking for a friend.

Oh.

- Sorry. You okay?

- Eddie.

How you doin', Becca?

I'm good.

What are you

doing here?

I, uh... I-I don't know.

Come, class. Let's forget

about this disturbance.

It's okay. Everyone,

let's come on up.

Get back to your spaces

and let's prepare for lion pose.

Hey, inhale. Exhale.

Open your mouth.

Stick out your tongue.

That was Rebecca?

Eddie, talk to me.

There's nothing

to talk about.

- Hi, Liz.

- I cannot believe it.

- Hey, Janey!

- Hi! Hi, guys!

Eddie, this is my sister Alice

and my brother-in-law Stephen.

- You're... Eddie.

- Yeah. Hey.

- Are you two taking yoga class together?

- No.

- We were just... I... It-It's stupid.

- No, no, it's not stupid.

- We don't think it's stupid.

- No. We just started the pregnancy class.

- Oh, yeah. Congratulations.

- Thanks. She's a great breather.

- Listen, I gotta go.

- Hey, it was really nice to meet

you, Eddie. - Bye-bye.

Eddie preferred

to leave things unsaid...

and went back to grazing

in greener pastures.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

- I'm getting out of here.

- Okay.

- Uh, two champagnes, please.

- Yes, sir.

Shouldn't that be a champagne

and a Shirley Temple?

- Sorry.

- No, you're not.

- So where'd you meet her?

- She's Emily's roommate.

Emily that I made

coffee for last Sunday?

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