Someone Marry Barry

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In every group of

friends, there's always one guy

who can best be described as

the inappropriate one.

I call that guy a Barry.

A Barry says and does things

other people only think.

And he does not know the word

propriety.

There are all kinds of

Barrys.

Old Barrys...

young Barrys...

and Barrys all over the world.

And that's me and my three

best friends when we were ten.

The one on the end,

that's our Barry.

His name is Barry.

Growing up we thought Barry

was hilarious.

He played pranks on girls,

he infuriated teachers

and we loved him for it.

But, as we've gotten older,

and started having careers,

wives, and families,

he's become an embarrassment,

a detriment to our

livelihoods and reputations,

a social wrecking ball.

I believe friendship

has no limits.

At least I did...

until Barry went too far.

He never, um,

passed up a opportunity

to appreciate a moment.

My, uh, dad had so many

great qualities.

Um... he was loyal.

He always put others

before himself.

He made an indelible

impression on- on everyone:

my mom, my son JT,

and myself.

Especially during that tough

time after my wife passed away.

So for all these reasons

and uh...

really too many more to count...

I'll miss you, Dad.

Thank you so much, Rafe.

Does anyone else

have any remembrances

they'd like to honor

the deceased with?

Just a simple anecdote or

memory to honor him by?

Really?

Oh, I should say something.

Hm?

- I should say something.

No you should not.

- Yes, I should.

Rafe's dad is not getting

the tribute he deserves.

We gotta celebrate

the man's life.

I think it's fine.

It's fine.

Next time, man.

Next time?

Barry.

- Anyone?

Sir?

Barry, have you thought about

what you're gonna say?

Yeah, for years.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, shh.

- No, no.

Thank you.

I don't-

Hi, ev- hi- whoa...

it's louder than I thought.

My name, for those of you

who don't know me,

is, uh, Barry Burke.

And, uh, I been friends

with Rafe, Kurt, and Desmond

since we all went to camp

together in the fifth grade.

It was the best time of my life.

Our motto back then was,

"Pals forever,"

and it still is today.

As a matter of fact,

the first time I met Rafe

he proved to me

what a great pal he was

by pulling Suzy Henchey off me

when she tried to choke me

for kissing her.

Do you remember that?

Her, uh, her reaction

pretty much set the trend

for my present romantic life.

It is not good.

Uh, the point- the point is,

um,

I'd be remiss if I didn't say

a few words about his dad,

because he was such a

special guy to-to all of us.

I remember the time

in sixth grade when he-

he came to our school

and snuck us out of PE.

Took us to our first

porno flick.

I'll never forget that.

Kurt, you popped in your pants

right there in the theater.

Kurt the Squirt, that's where

that nickname came from.

That's interesting.

I remember thinking to myself,

"Jeez, Louise,

that is a lot of semen

for a ten-year old. "

I remember- I remember

we all had to clean it up.

Didn't happen.

Talk about leaving

an indelible mark.

I'll never forget that one.

I think maybe you should-

Yeah, yeah, and I remember

this other time

in the seventh grade

when he taught us how to

smoke the weed.

No, no, no.

Remember that?

Yeah, he taught us

how to roll it,

puff it, pass it.

He taught us how to smoke weed!

You- you got us so blazed, dude.

You got us so blazed,

you just- come here.

Sir-

- Oh my God!

Photo-op, hang on,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not supposed to touch

the body...

And- and although he may have

had some honey on the side,

he loved you, Mrs. Griggs,

he loved you,

and I don't think there is

a single solitary soul

in this building

who doesn't know that.

Now, I could go on, and on,

and on about this...

...fella, but I won't.

We're gonna raise a glass

for you tonight, Mr. Griggs,

'cause we all know how much

you like to get your drink on.

Boom.

Hope they serve up there

in heaven.

All right, peace, Space Cowboy.

Why do you push me?

Thank you, Mr. Burke.

That was...

Um, if we could all just move

to the reception area,

um, very quickly,

just because I- we-

Come on.

What were you thinking Barry?

I thought everybody knew,

obviously.

No one knew,

least of all my mom.

It sounded do good in my head,

Rafe.

It sounded so regal.

- Regal?

Everyone probably suspected it.

What does that mean?

- Uh, Barry-

Wha- it means that

everyone knows you're too busy

chasing around random skanks

to spend any time with your son.

That is so not true.

Dad?

Hey, buddy. You okay?

Are you sad 'cause-

'cause Grandpa died?

I know, buddy.

It's, um, it's sad.

It's really just sad,

but, uh...

...do you know what?

Just think of the good times

and stuff.

Hey, hey.

Hey, buddy.

Hi, Uncle Barry.

Not doin' to good, huh?

No, me neither.

Do you remember

how you and your grandpa

used to get ice cream

every Sunday?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Yeah?

Do you want to honor him?

- Yeah!

Well hot dog!

Let's honor the man!

What are we doin' sitting here?

Meet me over at the dessert

tray in two minutes.

We'll see who can scarf back

three chocolate chip cookies

faster.

My money's on me, Short Stack.

All right?

Oh, and then- and then-

and then we're gonna put some

crumbs in Uncle Dan's jacket

because Uncle Dan

is a you know what.

Scrotum.

- Total scrote-bag.

Now go ahead and swing outta

here, you little monkey.

Wow, man, he really loves you,

Barry.

Yeah, you just gotta

make it fun, man, you know?

It's not that hard.

Rafe, you know,

you should go with him.

Yeah, I should.

I'll do that.

Uh, later.

Excuse me. I never got a chance

to thank you.

You run a lovely funeral, and-

You guys are giving me sh*t?

He's trying to get laid

at his dad's funeral.

Oh.

It's about the pitch.

I gotta take it.

Let's go.

My feet are killing me.

Okay, well, maybe just

one moment longer,

you know, for Rafe,

because it's a big day for him.

Well, it's not like we can

do anything for him.

His dad's already dead.

I just- I'll give you

another foot massage.

Whatevs.

Just find me when you're ready.

Alright, I love you-

Oh.

You gotta break up with her,

man.

What?

You gotta break up with her.

Are you on drugs?

- No.

She walks all over you.

You- you- you-

you're just too blind to see it

because you're in shock

that she talks to you,

let alone actually dates you.

Okay, n- news flash, uh,

Desmond and Rafe love her.

No they don't.

- Yeah, they do.

No, they don't like her either.

They're just too afraid

to tell you.

You deserve better than her.

She's mean.

She's manipulating you

with that kiss.

Don't you see that?

I mean, yeah...

any guy would gladly get up

to his nuts in her guts, okay?

That's not in dispute here,

okay?

he problem is she's a twunt.

It's a new term I'm using.

It's a combo of two words.

Guess which two.

Twitter?

- Twat and c*nt.

Ah!

Yeah.

Would you prefer cwat?

The terms are

interchangeable.

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