Someone Marry Barry Page #2

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She's not a twunt or a cwat.

- She's both.

No.

She's the one.

She's the one.

Oh, oh...

...oh...

I did it again, didn't I?

- Yeah.

I'm kidding- I was kidding

about her being a twunt, man.

And about her looking like

an eastern European porn star.

You didn't say anything about her looking

like an eastern European porn star.

Oh, not around you, no.

Okay, you look like...

a western European porn star.

That's what I'm shooting for.

You're the cwunt now, dawg.

What?

Peace.

Cwunt's not even a word,

Kurt!

Hey JT.

Let's get to those cookies,

huh?

Oh, man, I feel so bad

about what I did to Rafe.

It's the only thing

I can think about.

Man, you work with a lot of

pretty ladies, don't you?

Barry, look, I know you need

somebody to talk to right now,

but you can't just

drop by my office

whenever you feel like it,

okay?

Yeah, yeah, uh...

- This is an important time.

We're in the last run

of this pitch.

I'm up for creative director.

Are you listening?

Yeah.

- Well then-

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hell yeah.

Who is the cutey-pie?

Yeah, that's the, uh,

that's the account planner

I was telling you about.

That's her?

I'd hate being around that

all day.

You'd get horny enough

to go home and screw your wife

every once in a while.

Excuse me, but Rach and I

have plenty of sex.

Oh, you do?

I- I didn't know that.

When was the last time

you had intercourse?

Um...

My point exactly, Desmond.

Can I- Can I be totally blunt

with you for a sec?

Can you not be blunt?

- I don't think so.

I tried one time.

I had a migraine for three days.

Your marriage is not

your only problem, okay?

Whatever happened

to high school Desmond?

He was fun!

He, like, smoked pot

every once in a while,

play the keys, hang out.

Now you're like this

unrecognizable workaholic robot.

You won't even go out

for lunch with me.

Fine.

We'll get lunch, okay?

Just let me finish

these storyboards.

Oh, yeah, of course.

All about the work.

Because if we land this

account, dude,

it'll be a total game-changer,

you know what I mean?

Barry?

Good morning.

Oh, come on.

Oh my God.

Oh.

That is a bad combo.

- What's that?

Lox and sausages...

loxages.

Yeah, that's a lot of meat.

Yeah, don't do it.

- No.

How do you get any work done

around here?

Half way to Bonerville.

Where's Bonerville?

In my pants.

I'm fighting a semi right now.

A semi?

- Semi hard on.

I'm half mast from looking at

all this talent around here.

Yeah, well advertising

does attract

a lot of good-looking women,

so.

Do you work here?

Actually, I, uh,

I own the agency.

What?!

- Yeah.

Nice moves, man.

Oh, look at that.

It's boner o'clock.

Barry, what are you doing?

Bill, I'm sorry.

No, no, he-

he's cracking' me up.

Yeah.

- What?

Yes. I was cracking him up.

Just telling him

about how these women here

are giving me a Woodrow Wilson.

Especially that cute brunette

account planner he pointed out.

So, uh, Bill,

the pitch is going great.

No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, go ahead.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Looka-looka-looka,

there she is right there.

What are you- that one! Her!

Desmond was telling me

that back when he used to

actually have sex

with his wife,

he used to imagine her instead.

She was his closer,

you know what I mean?

And Bill, don't lie to me.

I know you've done

the exact same thing.

I bet you I haven't.

Why, because you got ED?

No...

because she's my daughter.

You made her?

Mm-hmm.

Des, I'm- I'm- I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Seven years I put in here,

Barry!

I know, listen, I- I- I don't

want you to sweat it, okay?

I'm gonna go back in

and I'm gonna talk to your boss.

I'm gonna sort

the whole thing out.

Don't!

You've done enough.

Des, I need a ride!

- F*** you!

Ah, yeah.

Kurt, it's Barry, I, uh...

I feel terrible.

Um, I got Desmond fired today

and I- I'm outside your house.

I really need to talk

to somebody.

So, uh, I'm just gonna wait here

for you, all right?

Um...

...actually I- I remember

where you keep your key.

I think I'm just gonna

let myself in.

So, um, I- I'll see you

when you get here.

Okay, thanks, Bud.

Yes.

What?

Okay.

What is this?

That was fun.

Mm-hmm.

You look so pretty tonight.

Oh, you keep saying that.

Well it's true, you do!

Oh!

I got it.

Mmm.

Thanks.

That was a really good

restaurant, huh?

Eh.

What? It's rated one of the best

in the city.

Really?

It didn't seem like it.

Well, it is.

Why are you being

so sweet tonight?

'Cause I have a surprise

for you.

What kind of surprise?

- You'll see.

Oh!

- Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

This is not the surprise

I was talking about.

I'm really sorry about this.

No.

I'm not gonna lie...

...this is exactly

what it looks like.

Okay, put it away.

Okay.

- Whoa.

You know what, guys?

I- I am sorry.

Bring it on in for a hug?

- Uh-uh.

Go.

No, no, you can't hug me, no!

Oh!

You mean he still had a-

- Boner!

Oh!

- A raging boner.

So it was less of a hug

and more of a dry hump.

He was practically inside

of her, for crying out loud.

So she dumped me, naturally.

She said if I'm still friends

with Barry,

I'm practically as juvenile

as he is.

Sorry, bud.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Guys, I know we've been

friends with Barry

since before we hit puberty,

but, um...

I'm over it.

I am over it.

I mean the dude's heart's

in the right place,

but, let's face it, man,

he is a menace.

I mean when we were kids

it was great,

yeah, it was fun.

We're adults now.

We're trying to have families

and careers

and relationships, Kurt,

and Barry's making that

impossible.

It's his Barryisms.

- What are you sayin'?

I'm saying that

we'll always love the guy,

but... we cannot live

with him anymore.

Yeah, but I mean...

Barry's always there for us.

Yeah, that's the problem.

He's always there

screwing everything up.

He's a real ragamuffin.

What if we were to

get rid of him?

Okay...

I think I get

what you're saying.

I just wanna clarify

something.

I can't kill someone.

I can't. But I wanna help.

I'll dig the...

I'll dig it.

I don't want to, but I'll do it.

We're not talking about

murdering him, Hurt.

That's not on the table.

- I knew that.

Everyone was- was hashing it-

it out.

So what, do you want to

disown him?

No, no, that wouldn't work.

He'd just keep coming back

like a zombie or something.

So, like an intervention?

No. He'd relapse.

No, dude, this- this- this

requires something

far more stealthy,

I'm talking about

making someone else...

...deal with him.

Okay. All right.

So we, uh, we hire someone else

to whack him.

That way we're not even

connected to the murder.

We're gettin' away hands clean.

We go down to Mexico, chill out,

drinkin', smokin' weed.

I maybe get addicted

to heroin, but that's cool.

I'm not talking about

whacking him, Ray Liotta.

Obviously.

See, what we need isn't someone

who can put up with Barry,

what we need is someone

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