Someone Marry Barry Page #3

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who has to put up with Barry.

The type of person

who has to put up with

a never-ending stream

of infantile behavior

twenty-four hours a day,

seven days a week

for their entire life.

A therapist?

A wife. -

Wife. - A wife!

Yeah, pop-pop-pop!

Yeah!

- Yeah!

You were locked in a closet

as a kid.

I mean he's always talkin' about

he wants to meet someone

anyway, right?

We'd just be doing him a favor.

I like it.

Scratch that,

I love it.

I don't know, guys.

I mean, I need him.

What are you talking' about,

Rafe?

I mean he babysits J every Saturday night.

That's my prime date night.

In fact, he's with him right now

so I can go meet

the funeral director at nine.

Yes, that's happening.

Hand over fist.

- Don't catch it.

It's hand over fist.

- No, make a fist.

I don't like that.

- Yeah.

Lemme ask you a question,

Rafe.

When, um Barry's babysitting J what exactly do they do?

I don't know.

They have a blast, though.

They play video games,

watch movies.

Well, uh, looks like Barry

just posted

what they're actually doing.

Okay, kid, throw,

throw, throw, throw.

Go! Run, run, run, run,

run, run!

Holy sh*t!

Let's marry off

this f***er.

Why are you guys so keen on

finding me a girlfriend

all of a sudden?

Pals forever, remember?

- Yeah.

Just want you to be happy.

Yeah, man, plus

you're such a catch

it's a total mystery

how you're still single.

It's true.

- No, I don't know about that.

Listen, guys, I promise you,

I'm gonna put my best foot

forward today, okay?

Cool, man.

Bring on the vagina.

Huh! Huh!

All right.

Okay everyone,

let's have a seat!

Hi.

Hi, I'm Leslie.

Hi, I'm Barry.

- Hi.

Hi.

Next!

Excuse me?

- Next.

Barry, that's not how

speed dating works.

I'm not feelin' it with her.

Are you kidding me?

Is he kidding me?

Listen, no matter what

you're feeling-

I'm not feeling anything.

That's the problem.

You're- you're beautiful,

we're just, you know,

we don't have... it.

You have to wait

until they ring the bell.

The bell? I gotta talk to her

for the whole five minutes?

Yeah.

I'm sitting across from you.

I hear the words coming out

of your mouth.

Look, if it's any consolation,

he's always like this.

Yeah.

- Nice shirt.

Do not- hey!

Do not make fun

of my friends.

F*** you!

- What? I-

What did I do?

I have to live with this!

Quite the mouth on her.

She's got some anger issues.

Barry, Barry. Listen to me

very carefully, all right?

When you meet these women,

whatever comes to your mind...

Yeah?

- ... say the opposite.

Got it.

Ah, yeah, backwards town.

Got it.

Yeah, yeah,

that looks super real.

That shirt does not

give off the impression

that you own several stray dogs.

Jesus Christ!

You scared the sh*t outta me.

I mean, uh...

You do not look like a cutter

at all.

It's even harder

than we thought.

It's time to bring out

the big guns.

So, Mister Goker,

how does this exactly, um,

work?

Well, the brides obviously

don't come in the mail,

but, uh, they do come in

a very small crate on a boat,

and we, of course, make sure

to poke the holes in the box

so they can breathe.

Keep it human.

Oh...

I'm kidding!

We don't put 'em in a box!

What are we, monsters? No!

Just a very small,

dangerous boat.

So I guess you're the man

with all the b*tches.

Okay... b*tch?

Okay, I gotta ask you guys

a question right now.

Do you, uh...

...do you guys hate women?

No, I love women.

Because I don't sell women

to men who hate women.

We do not sell b*tches!

If we did,

it'd be called

Goker's Mail Order B*tches!

Not Goker's Mail Order Brides!

Okay?

Uh, yeah, it was- it was just

a slang term, you know.

I'm just gonna put it out there.

Um, I'm not- I'm not- I'm not

actually looking,

is that okay?

Yeah.

I am not looking

to marry anybody,

maybe just a girlfriend.

Unless she's like super,

super-duper cool,

then maybe.

Look, let me make something

very clear here, all right?

Here at Goker's we are not

just about business.

First and foremost,

we are about love,

passion, romance, f***ing,

okay?

Hot f*** action at a

really reasonable price.

Hot flippin' and flappin'

smackin' ass cracks together,

all right?

You ever- you ever slam

your ass crack

against a women's ass crack?

It rivals penetration, guys.

I know you don't believe me,

but you're gonna be able to

try it with one of these women

and find me right.

So, just to be clear, here,

on your old, uh, application.

Now your name is Barry Burke,

your favorite food is fried,

your favorite book

is the novelization

of the Bill Murray classic

"Stripes,"

it's one of my favorite books.

I did not care for the movie.

And you live off a settlement

you got from the city

for walking into

an exposed manhole.

Yeah, I actually, I removed

that manhole cover myself

and then intentionally

walked into said manhole,

but that is- that is neither

here nor there.

Oh, no, no, that is both

here and there, my friend.

That is genius.

- I'm a geniu-

Can you say that to them,

please?

All right, Barry...

Prepare to meet...

the new love of your life...

Juanita.

Oh, wow.

- Wow.

Oh my God, she's beautiful.

Schwing!

Her village has been

completely ravaged by disease,

flood, famine, and rebels,

so she is very open

to meeting

gentlemanly, successful

American men.

Okay, well how about

a not-so-gentlemanly,

not-so-successful American man?

Are you kidding me?

She'd marry a raccoon

with an extended a**hole

if it got her out of her

f***ing village.

She's gonna love you, man.

So, how was your plane flight?

Oh, uh, da plane.

Da plane? Bzzzzzz.

Whoosh.

Muy bueno? Good.

Good, good, good.

That's good.

Probably not a lot of planes

where you come from, huh?

Is there not a lot of planes

where you come from?

Cars either?

Probably not a lot of cars.

What do you- what do you use

to get around, a donkey?

Do you ride a donkey?

Yeah, a donkey's probably

safer anyway, you know,

because I bet you like to

throw back the cervezas.

Mmm, cervezas.

Cervezas, yeah.

Tequila!

I was hoping that we could

make it a little physical

because I notice

you carry a...

formidable amount of junk

in your trunk.

Junk in trunk?

Face it, guys,

it's over.

We'll never find him a wife.

Let's go. I wanna meet up with

that funeral director, anyway.

So, you work

at the parks department?

Yeah, I am director of events.

Wow.

- Yeah.

What a cool job.

- It is. It's really cool.

We do concerts

and Shakespeare in the Park.

I go to that.

- You do?

I love that.

Oh. I- I have to work

a lot of weekend nights,

but it's fine.

I love it, so, yeah.

I don't wanna freak you out,

'cause this is obviously

our first date,

but you're the total package.

Well, yeah, I mean your online

profile was nice and charming

and the picture is beautiful

but in person

you're just like...

...radiant.

Oh, um...

I think you're pretty great,

too.

I like to take things slowly,

if that's all right.

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