Someone Marry Barry Page #4

---

Yes. Couldn't agree more.

I like to take things slow

myself.

I- I- I didn't think you were

that type of girl.

What type of girl?

Someone who'd just jump

in the sack on the first date,

or whatever.

I- I- I am that type of girl.

I am.

Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, right.

We'd probably

be f***ing right now

if it wasn't for my

situation...

...below deck.

I'll go ahead

and give you a hint.

It rhymes with beast inspection.

I think I know, yeah,

I think I know what you mean.

Okay, it's not itchy anymore,

but um...

it just probably doesn't

smell very good.

Anyway-

So, what kind of music

do you like?

I'm mostly into reggae and dub.

Dub, ska, dancehall.

My favorite food is fried.

Italian and Mexican.

And Mexican.

Also Italian and Japanese.

Oh, I am a sushi slut.

And how does that

manifest itself?

I'm a whore for sushi.

Uh... also...

...wow, I can't believe

you ate that all in one bite.

You're like a boa constrictor.

Ah!

I'm gonna be straight with you.

You're breasts were a lot bigger

in the photo.

In your photo, you looked

a lot taller.

You had more neck.

It was a- like a headshot.

You had less teeth.

And, uh, you looked a lot

more third-worldy...

Mexicany.

You've got hair plugs.

And I don't mind... much.

It is not that I find you

unattractive...

...at all.

It's just...

...false advertising.

But it's false advertising.

You have rendered me

completely speechless.

Thank you.

All I can say is wow.

I get that a lot.

Will you excuse me for a second?

I need to sh*t like that

every time I eat bacon.

It's the middle of dinner.

I'm- I'm not gonna go

take a... sh*t.

Are you gonna have a piss?

Uh, well since you asked, um,

some urine might actually

exit my penis.

I wasn't going to say that.

I felt like it was implied

when I said, "Excuse me. "

Just wash your hands

'cause dick hands,

it's just gross.

And be quick 'cause I really

need to sh*t.

Okay, I'm gonna go sh*t.

- Okay.

El ban- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You gotta make a fiesta

in el bao, no problem.

Yeah, yeah, poo party.

Oh, excuse me,

I'm actually not in line.

Just... wishing I were dead.

Um...

Oh, um...

Si.

Excuse me... If- if you're

waiting for a cab...

I was here first.

Yeah, you got it.

No problem.

Here we go.

- Hey!

Excuse me, ladies first.

A lady? Yeah, I'll tell you

if I see one.

Really?

Get off!

Excuse me.

Are you kidding me?!

You're kidding me!

Unbelievable.

Alright, folks,

where to?

Aah!

I guess we're neighbors.

- I guess so. Yippee.

The joy.

I can't wait to run into you.

Yeah, me neither.

It's still the best part of

the neighborhood,

minus the gentrification.

- Except for the gentrification.

Hey, could you

drop me off first?

Really?

Did you fart?

No. I've been trying.

Yeah, 'cause I farted

right when we got in

and that is not my brand.

It's pathetic.

I can't smell anything.

What, you don't have

a sense of smell you mean?

It's just a terrible fart.

Oh, you're calling my fart

pathetic?

Yes.

Well, we're dealing

with a new issue here.

The issue is that you

apparently have gas

and it's gonna come out

at some point

during this cab ride.

Trust me, I hope so.

Nothing.

It's called the way there.

A**holes.

- Hey what?

Watch it, you wanker.

Eat my dick, you f*** face.

F*** mouth.

- Paying customer!

F***ing cock breath.

Cock breath...

Oh, that's impressive.

Oh, thanks, you too.

Thank you.

My friends would disagree

and they think my mouth

is my biggest problem.

I think its fine, you just have-

you just have thin lips.

No- not-

No, wha- the things I say,

not what my lips look like, no.

Oh, oh, right.

I know I have thin lips.

It's- it's the bane

of my existence.

Loads of guys have dumped me

because they're embarrassed.

I don't know.

- Oh, d*cks.

I don't care.

It's my roommate,

she's always trying to set me up

and find me a husband.

No, tell me about it.

My- my friends just bought me

a wife.

They bought-?

They bought me a wife,

like out of the blue.

So, you're married?

N- no, may- maybe.

I don't know.

I- I don't think

it was legally binding.

I'm not sure.

I- I'll have to check

on that one.

What do you do?

Um, I work

for the parks department.

The what?

- Parks department.

Pox department?

- Parks.

Parks?

- Parks.

Oh, parks!

Parks department.

Right, right,

the parks department.

Got it.

Well that's cool.

It is really cool.

Wanna know what I do?

Not really.

C'mon, take a guess,

it's a good one.

Um, unemployed?

- Yes!

Very good guess.

Be honest, do you think

it was inappropriate?

For you to talk about your

own feminine hygiene issue

at your dinner date?

Absolutely not.

- Thank you.

Why would that be weird?

- I know!

I didn't think so,

but then I was, like,

questioning myself.

People are weird!

- Yeah.

Like my date, my wife,

walked out on our date tonight,

I think, because I talked

about my balls.

Like one time.

She sounds like a twunt.

What?

I'm sorry.

That's a really ugly word,

I'm-

No, no, no, that's not

what I meant.

Did you?

I say twunt.

I... No you don't.

I say twunt all the time.

I thought I made it up.

- I thought I made it up.

Well, I guess we both

made it up.

I guess we did.

Oh my God, I love twunt,

I love twunt!

Oh, I love twunt.

I love twunt.

- I love twunt.

Oh, look

at that, you great twunt.

Oh no!

- Oh you twunt.

I can't do a Scottish accent.

Oh, you stinky twunt.

Listen to you!

Would you like some twunt korma?

Buttered- buttered twunt?

And, no, I don't

know why people react to me that way.

I really don't.

It's just I prefer to be

honest because-

Everyone wastes so much time

being polite

when they could just say

what they mean.

Now the question you gotta

ask yourself is...

"Do you feel lucky, twunt?

Well? Do ya?"

No, I got, it was too big

at the end, but you get it.

Yeah.

That was good.

That was really good.

Yeah, here you go.

Door-to-door service.

Thanks, that would almost

be chivalrous,

if you didn't just

arm-wrestle me for it.

Well, I have something

very pressing to do at home.

Masturbate?

Yeah.

- Me too.

Man, get a room.

Just shut your stupid face!

Seriously, shut your

stupid face.

Y'all twunts.

Well-

I got a- I got a burp

in my throat.

Let it rip.

Nice. Nice.

- Yeah.

I hate this job.

Um...

Okay, um...

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- See you.

I'll pay for the cab.

Don't worry.

Always planned on it.

Hey! Hey, hey.

You are not as big of a b*tch

as I thought you were gonna be.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You're not as big of a

cheese-dick,

Well, you haven't seen my dick.

Um...

- What's your name?

Oh, God, yeah, I'm Mel-

I'm Mel Miller.

Mel- M- Mel- M-

I'm Melanie Miller.

I'm Barry Burke.

- Barry Burke, hey.

How do you do?

I do well.

Um...

Maybe I'll run into you

some time, Mel Miller.

Maybe we will, Barry Burke.

Goodbye again.

Okay, goodnight.

- Yeah, bye.

Hey.

Hey, babe.

This museum pitch

is killing me.

I have like zero ideas.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes