Someone Marry Barry Page #5

---

- Mm-hmm.

So I thought I would just come

and take a little break...

With you.

Pow.

Pow.

Pshew.

Ow.

Do do.

Choo ch-choo, ch-choo

Aah!

I'm just gonna do some exercises

to help me, you know,

clear my head.

Um...

I do this in my pilates class.

Isn't it fun?

Can I get my-

You're gonna wrinkle up my stuff

on my desk.

Babe, I'm- I'm really trying'

to get some stuff done,

you know what I mean?

You can't do it tomorrow?

Ah, you know, I could.

I'd just rather not.

Mm- mm- babe.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga

choo choo!

Honey, I'm tryin' to-

Babe.

No one's hiring,

I have to focus, okay?

I'm sorry.

I miss that guy.

What guy?

That guy.

We all miss that guy.

What in the world?

God damn.

Barry...

I think it's time

to face the fact that you-

that, uh-

That-

What was I saying?

- Are you high?

Yeah, like I'd find

a year-old blunt

and smoke that and, like,

cough so hard I farted.

Like I did that. Yeah.

He's high!

- You're high!

Yeah, I'm high, yeah.

I am high as hell right now.

But it's not about me, man.

Let's talk about you, Barry.

I feel like I let you guys down

a little bit.

You definitely did.

I- I-I, actually I did-

I did share a cab ride home

with a pretty awesome girl

after the date, though.

What?

- And?

And it was- it was awesome.

I don't know, it was-

it was weird.

We had so much in common,

you know?

She was just like me.

She was smart, witty,

good-looking.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Did you get her phone number?

No, I figured

I'd bump into her sometime.

Dude!

- Oh.

Are you out of your mind?

We've scoured this entire city

to find someone

who can tolerate you

for more than three seconds,

then you finally find

somebody that likes you

and you don't even

get her f***ing number?

I wanted to play it cool.

- Cool?!

We are way past cool, man.

This sh*t is desperate!

Can I have a chocolate malt?

I need a malt.

We'll find her.

Just- what was her name?

Mel.

- Mel what?

Mm... Mel, um...

- Melvin?

Mel Gibson.

Mel, uh, it was like, ah!

The- the- the, like the-

Think, think, think

what was her name?

F***, Barry!

Well then, heck, Barry,

what's the GD point?

Barry! I will literally

club you with this bar spoon

if you don't tell me who she is.

Tell me!

Wait, I just got it!

Oh, Mel Miller.

- She's pretty.

Wow. Graduated from

Berkeley.

Volunteers at a

dog adoption center.

Is this real?

Or is this some, like,

catfish type situation?

I got her number.

Call her.

Wait!

We only got one shot at this,

all right?

Better do it right.

BOO!

Oh, every time!

- Yeah.

Oh, it is ridiculously hot

out there.

Oh.

I am so clammy and sticky

and disgusting.

I think I put deodorant on.

Whoo!

- Are you wearing my bra?

Oh...

Yeah, I had to borrow it.

- Why?

To match your thong.

Do you want it back?

No.

Oh, you sure?

Actually I might need a hand.

N- no, you keep it.

Really.

Thank you.

It's really stuck up there.

Yeah.

So, you heard anything

from the cab guy?

Oh, that guy.

Um, no.

He hasn't got my number, so-

- Bummer.

I don't care, anyway.

It's better for you

if I'm single.

Right?

What would you do

without your wing girl?

Get dates.

You wouldn't, Paige.

No?

It's really hard for you.

Babe, you've got to learn

to love yourself,

before others can love you.

My self-esteem is fine now.

No, I mean literally

love yourself.

You know?

Down there.

Between your legs.

Do you know what I mean?

Try the showerhead.

Try your electric toothbrush.

Yours is a lot more powerful

than mine

and really gets in there.

That is really disgusting.

It's not. It's natural.

This is the problem with you,

Paige.

Why do you think I spend so long

in the bathroom every morning?

I'm masturbating.

- Hm.

A good hour before breakfast

and usually forty-five

minutes if I can squeeze it in

when I get home.

I'm gonna get you masturbating

if it's the last thing I do.

I'm all good.

Hey, Mel, this is Barry, uh,

from the cab.

Oh, um...

Uh...

It's him, it's the guy.

It's the guy from the cab.

Okay, speak as little

as possible.

Okay, okay.

I'm all good.

Hey, so um...

you some kind of pervert

stalker or something?

Yeah, sometimes.

No!

- Just read the cards.

Uh, I can't read

Kurt's handwriting.

What are you talking about?

It says,

"I was wondering if you're

not doing anything Friday night

if you'd like to go to

dinner with me

or any other activity. "

Oh my God, could you make it

any wordier?

Who are you talking to?

I'm talking to you.

I was wondering if you want me

to come in your- what?!

No!

What's going on?

- I don't know.

Speak from your heart.

- Shut up!

Are you talking to me?

- Yes.

Oh, really?

No, no.

Read the card.

- You shut up.

Please don't screw this up.

You shut up!

F*** off.

F*** you.

Are you getting' busy

on Friday night?

I dunno.

You tell me if I'm getting busy

Friday night.

What, is English

her second language?

I think so.

and, uh- and we'll talk

about the details later.

Cool... see ya.

Cool, see ya.

Oh!

He got a date!

Down there.

I have a date.

What?

- Yeah.

I mean we'll see.

I don't know.

I love him.

I think I need to go

and have a shower.

I feel so inspired after that,

it was just-

I know.

It's like I'm alive, right?

- I know, I know!

I feel alive.

- It's just, it was so real.

Oh God, this-

this is hands-down

the best first date

I've ever had.

Yeah?

- Ever!

Mine too.

- Yeah?

And no one has ever taken me

to a cockfight before.

I can't believe that.

You got cockfight

written all over you.

It's so... violent.

And so bloody, I know.

Feathers everywhere.

Poor little guys.

- Yeah.

Yeah, but you made

that great call on dinner, so...

Yeah?

- Yeah.

Oh, well I'm-

I'm glad you liked it.

I think they have

incredible cuisine at Hooters,

but most people don't notice

'cause of...

all the massive tits.

I know, the tits

are distracting.

This feels so natural.

I know.

It makes me want to

spoon your face.

I wanna...

I wanna lick the inside

of your mouth.

You do?

- Yeah.

Oh God...

I really hope

you taste like hot dogs.

I do.

I always do.

- Yeah?

Barry, I wanna invite you

upstairs, but...

...this f***ing bread factory

between my legs

is working overtime and-

That's cool.

- Yeah?

It's cool.

- I'm sorry.

It's cool.

- Yeah?

I hope you don't mind

if I work one out to you later.

I'd like that.

Yeah?

- Uh-huh.

Then I will.

Mmm.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Bye.

- Bye.

This sucks.

This all sucks.

Yes!

What's up?

That was Barry.

He and Mel are totally

hitting it off.

Oh my god,

that is amazing!

I know!

- Oh my God!

This could be it!

Oh my God.

- Yes!

Oh.

They're going out again

on Friday?

That's huge!

Yeah, think of the freedom.

Zihuatenejo, my friend.

you realize

what this could mean, right?

eating at restaurants without

being publicly humiliated.

Going to sporting events

without fear or ejection.

Not having people say,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes