Someone Marry Barry Page #6

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"Hey, you know your friend

Barry?

Don't ever bring him to my

motherfucking house again. "

And that's a woman saying that.

I'm gonna meet

so many more chicks.

Ah, I'm gonna bone Rachel

a lot.

And I'm gonna talk to Camille.

Go what?

- What?

It's time to make right

what once was, um...

Aw, hell no.

Hey.

- Oh, hey.

I didn't even see you

over there.

I- I'd seen you earlier,

but I- I- I...

Cool.

- What's up?

Honestly, I'm not doing so well.

I just broke up with someone.

You already got a new boyfriend

and then- and then

broke up with him?

It's been, like, eleven days.

Yeah, I moved on, Kurt.

Didn't you?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I did.

I moved on, a lot,

to a lot of different women.

Wow.

Anyone special?

No! No- yeah, no,

just it's hard to notice

'cause there's so many-

so much ass coming my way,

it's all the clingy b*tches

and, you know.

Awesome, well, it was

really nice running into you.

But I don't really talk to

them anymore, you know?

They weren't up to my

standards, you know?

Really?

- Yeah.

Once you go black,

you never go back...

Doesn't apply.

He's not dumb enough

to pursue that again.

I don't know.

Um.

But, you know what?

Let's just focus

on the positive, all right?

We are about to embark on a

brand new chapter of our lives.

You're baked.

- What?

Don't do that.

You're scaring the customers.

Daddy feels like getting wet!

Oh!

You got nothin'!

Ah!

Go, go, go, go, go!

You sure it's okay

to do it out here?

Yeah, nobody's gonna knooow!

Damn, that sh*t is good!

Ah!

Tell me about, um,

your day.

Mm, mm-hmm.

So funny.

Oh Barry

I don't have the words

or anything yet.

But you got Barry in there,

you put Barry in there.

That's me.

Throw it up there.

Yeah, that's good.

Why don't you try again here

and do a couple, uh,

do a couple yourself.

Check it out.

I'll be right back.

Was that Hatha yoga

you were practicing over there?

I saw it.

That was incredible!

Hmm? Hmm?

Put me down!

Put me down!

Smooth it out.

- Just smooth it out.

Use some spit.

I think it's like-

Use a little spit.

Yeah, 'cause there's

a bigger vein.

There's a big vein going,

just-

Okay.

- Yeah.

So add a little bit to the base.

Yeah, yeah.

Here, here, here.

Easy fix.

- That looks really good.

Everybody watch!

This is the big finish!

Aah!

Oh, oh, ah, ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, don't touch.

Oh, don't touch.

Oh it's sensi- oh it's delicate,

it's tender.

So?

- so?

Tell us everything.

Okay. Mel is amazing.

She's unbelievable. I-

The last two weeks

have been magical

and I- I don't wanna get cheesy,

but deep down in my heart

I feel like she understands me

as no one else ever has.

Plus, she's got

a super-wide bush.

Yeah, I love it.

This is great news.

It is! I know, right?

Most girls wax, but not Mel.

I like to get lost down there

in some jungle.

No, I- I meant it's great

news that it's going so well.

Yeah, not great news

about the bush.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, that too.

That is going very well.

Um, but mainly the relationship.

Well, you haven't

seen this bush.

It's outstanding.

Sounds like a real throwback.

- So...

...moving on.

What are you guys coin'?

Dude, can you not put gum

underneath my bar?

Last time I put it on top

of the bar you flipped out,

and now I put it under the bar,

which is the next logical step,

What do you want me

to do with it?

So... you and Mel?

Seems like you guys are going

the distance, huh?

Yeah, sounds like you met

your soul mate.

You're intended.

Could be your future bride.

Hey, I-I-I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, she is,

she is pretty amazing.

Did I mention her bush?

Indeed you did.

- In detail.

I can't believe you have

a girlfriend, man!

Yeah, I know.

When do we get to meet her?

- Uh...

We're going to Kurt's cabin

this weekend.

You should bring her.

Yeah, yeah, Kurt, can I?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

That'll be cool.

Yes!

Yeah!

You're gonna love her.

You might even get a peek

at that bush.

I don't know.

We'll see what we can do.

I'm okay with just meeting her.

Why'd you invite Barry again?

I told you, he's got

a girlfriend now, so...

And?

And it'll be totally different.

This'll be the kinder,

gentler Barry.

Exactly, she'll keep him

on a short leash.

Yeah, kinda like a buffer.

A little Barry buffer.

Great.

- Oh, there they are.

Hey!

Hey!

We knew you were there before

the honk.

Hello!

- This is Mel.

Oh, she's so pretty!

Oh, she looks like an angel

from heaven.

Hi!

- Hey.

Hi, I'm Desmond,

great to meet you.

Oh! Okay, the guy who couldn't

get it up for his wife.

Yep, wha-?

- That's him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Right.

So you must be

the lucky lady

who's finally getting some.

That's me.

My name is Rachel.

You didn't tell me her name

was Rachel.

I used- I had a, um,

a rat called Rachel, yeah.

Cool, um, this is-

- That's a detail.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna guess,

because he has told me

so much about you all.

Watch this.

Watch this.

Um, skank-magnet...

ice queen...

no-balls pushover.

Yeah, you hit- hit the nail

on the head, there.

I know, I know, look at her,

she's got some brains up

there, huh?

Not to mention a beautiful

set of knockers right here.

Sorry, they're only B-cup.

- Only.

Well, they're actually-

I can swell to a C

when I'm menstruating.

Ah, that's disgusting.

Oh my God, I never thought

I'd say this to a lady,

but I can't wait for your

time of the month.

Uh.

But get ready for the three Bs.

Bloated, bitchy and breasty.

Oh my God, I'm getting

a little B of my own right here.

Check it out.

- I- I looked.

Mmm. You know what guys?

I wanna- I wanna drive.

No, no, no, I wanna drive,

I wanna drive.

I wanna drive.

Do you wanna get in there

and make out a bit

before these guys

finish packing?

Yeah, um, if the van's

a- rockin'-

Don't come knockin'.

- Nah, I'm kidding.

It's another joke.

It's another joke.

We won't go all the way.

- No, just oral.

Please don't do that in my car.

Please don't.

Rafe, put my sh*t in the back.

Superconductor

I'm feeling carsick!

What?

Hoo-hoo!

This sounds like

the soundtrack from Gizmo.

Huh?

This is awful!

- Yeah, it's awesome!

No, it sounds like what

insanity must feel like.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Barry, uh, can you maybe

turn that song off?

This music is horrible.

It's making my eardrums bleed.

Oh!

- Sorry, sorry.

Okay, Mister No-taste.

Thank you.

- Thanks.

That was just a lot.

- Yeah.

Here we go.

- Uh-huh

You know, a playa

makin' money, f***in' all these b*tches

three at a time,

hydraulics in the switches,

got these hos and the b*tches

licking up my ice cream,

b*tch squeeze the DJ,

come f*** wit my team,

Oh, make your ass shake,

shake your moneymaker,

take it to the hotel

and show her how my dick

can break her,

yeah, life ain't sh*t

without p*ssy on my dick, no.

P*ssy on your dick... great.

Ready?

- Yeah.

Oh my God.

What?

- It stinks!

Who did that?

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