Someone Marry Barry Page #7

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- Who ripped it?

That'd be me.

- Are you serious?!

Are you steaming broccoli

in there?

It's tuna.

I'll open up the window.

- F***!

It won't open!

- What's going on?

Did I accidentally

lock the windows?

I'm not familiar with this car.

Oh my God,

it's in my eyes!

Oh you stink so good.

Since we're all

locked in anyway,

lemme, lemme add to the party.

It's gonna be good, listen!

Oh!

Oh, there was a high note

on that one.

I'm gonna hurl!

You guys, I think he's allergic!

I'm gonna hurl!

Oh my God.

They're choking.

Look how great.

Unlock the windows, Barry!

Ah, it's gorgeous.

Isn't it?

Oh, I can't wait

to pork you here.

You're the best porker.

I know, aren't I?

I've been wanting to pork you

the whole car ride.

The whole ride?

- Yeah.

Uh, how many bedrooms

have you got?

One.

- Dibs!

Get up there.

Get up there.

Rafe, grab my sh*t.

This is gonna be fun, guys.

Yeah... yeah, I'm havin' fun.

You guys havin' fun?

No.

I can taste that fart.

I'm so excited

to go swimming!

This is the best part

of comin' up here.

Yeah.

You guys are gonna love it.

I used to go to this

swimming hole all the time

when I was a kid.

Is it gonna be cold?

Yeah, it'll be great!

Come on!

Yeah, yeah, come on guys.

Last one in is a rotten

piece of sh*t!

Woo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Here we go!

Fresh air feels good

on my balls!

Okay, there's actually some

board games back at the cabin.

Oh yeah.

- I'm into that.

I love me some board games.

What better way

to spend a beautiful day?

Show 'em your bush!

It's so nice.

- Yeah, babe.

Yeah, and this, this one here

is actually three generations

of my family

standing just out front, so.

Oh my God!

Did you see that?

Let me do it!

I haven't done that in so long.

Oh my God, all right.

Your turn, your turn.

No, you gotta let, you gotta

get it all gathered in here.

Come on Rafe!

Come on, buddy!

Come on, get out here!

Not my thing.

Stopped doing that in college.

Go, go, go. Do it.

This is a pine needle fort

I made for the beetle army

I was raising.

Look at this, she's just letting

it slide right down her throat!

Oh, God, that's sexy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Right in the sink.

Do it, do it. Yeah.

This is one of my, uh,

my old cats we used to...

...bring up here.

It's okay, right?

I got some puke up my nose.

Are you-?

You don't look too well.

Mmm.

- Mmm.

Honey, breathe, breathe.

I just wish they would, like,

throw up quieter.

Oh.

- Shhh.

Mmm, there you go.

Ah!

- Oh!

Don't look back there.

Don't look back there.

- Oh, God.

Kitchen blowy, guys.

This is heaven.

Oh.

Okay, come on up.

Let's just try

to enjoy ourselves.

Yeah.

Lady up!

We should play Twister!

This wine is nice.

I think the more

you puke, the drunker you get,

isn't that the way it goes?

Did I get puke on your cock?

Don't worry about it.

I like it.

Think that's enough?

Maybe a few more

would be sexier.

You got it, juicy jugs.

Let me just check on the gang.

Make sure everyone

is nice and cozy.

Everybody?

Everybody doin' okay down there?

No.

Yeah, I love sleepin'

in chairs.

All right.

G'night everybody.

Sleep tight.

That is inevitable.

Love you guys.

Kurt, do you hear

a coyote or something?

No, this-

this is not even camp,

it's Cabin in the Woods.

Are they f***ing up there?

It's not that bad.

It's actually kinda romantic

if you think about it.

Oh no!

- Get that off me.

Start slowly.

Yep. Definitely having sex.

Slow down, slow down,

or I'm gonna come early.

Bleh, bleh.

It's in my mouth.

Sorry!

For what?

Do you smell something?

- What?

Yeah! Yeah!

It looks worse than it is,

I think, Kurt.

It's completely engulfed

in flames.

They're gonna save your place,

I promise you.

Your place is toast.

- Sh*t.

But I did manage to save

your family albums.

Well, I tried.

Oh, man, those albums were old

and you're barely in them,

and listen, don't worry,

don't worry about it, okay?

I will rebuild it

with my own bare hands.

I took wood shop

in high school -

Aah! I'm gonna kill you!

It was an accident!

- You're an accident!

I only used that many candles

'cause it made Mel's body

look so fine.

I mean, wouldn't you?

- Go away!

Go away forever

and don't come back!

You don't mean that.

- Yes he does!

We all do.

Rafe?

I think you should go, Barry.

Seriously?

It's not all his fault.

I am just as responsible,

and I-

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Mel, no, no.

It was an accident-

it was an accident.

Kurt, I promise you

I am not gonna burn

your cabin down anymore, okay?

Obviously, Barry!

That's impossible!

There's only one!

What about "Pals forever"?

Stop saying that!

- Why?

Because it's just a stupid

motto from camp

and it doesn't mean anything.

Des, babe, let's-

- Rachel!

It means something to me.

Get it straight, Barry,

you ruined our trip

and we want you gone.

And you can take your

inappropriate girlfriend with you.

What do you mean

my inappropriate girlfriend?

She's a train wreck, dude.

Yeah, nobody likes her.

She's just as bad as you are.

Face it, she is a Barry,

Barry.

What's a Barry?

- What's a-

I'll tell you what a Barry

is, Barry.

A Barry is a person

with no couth,

no sense of propriety.

It's a person

who gets you fired,

destroys your relationships,

and pretty much ruins

everything in your entire life!

Okay, look, I don't care

what you think of me,

but Barry has been nothing

but an amazing friend

to you all.

Oh, really?

'Cause from where I'm sitting,

he's ruined everything.

We didn't mean to do it.

It doesn't matter

what you mean to do.

What matters is what you do do.

Doo-doo.

Mel, grow up.

Come on.

Guys, guys. It's me.

It's Barry, okay?

It's your best friend.

Let's- let's talk about this.

Friends stick by each other

no matter what.

I mean even- even through

cabin fires, right?

Well, there's a limit to what

we can handle, Barry.

Why do you think we tried

so hard to find you a wife?

It's because we were trying

to get rid of you!

That's why you did it?

You guys wanted

to get rid of me?

I see.

Let's get out of here, man.

Those guys are a**holes.

No, they're not a**holes.

I'm the a**hole.

Well, I think they're a**holes.

Stop calling them a**holes.

They're my friends.

Friends stand by each other,

remember?

So do boyfriends,

by the way.

What?

Where- where is that

coming from?

Really?

What, Mel?

What- what-

what was I supposed to say?

Well, I don't think

you were supposed to tell me

to grow up.

I see. Okay.

So this is about you now,

obviously.

My best friends,

my lifelong best friends,

just ripped my heart

out of my chest

and told me that

they never wanna see me again

and you're f***ing crying?

- I-

You're hurt?!

You're the one who's hurt?!

First of all, I am not crying.

Barry, I'm not crying,

but my feelings were hurt

because your lifelong

best friends

said some not very nice

things about me.

That hurt you?

Yes, it did.

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