Something Real and Good Page #2

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You interest me.

Okay.

I wanna crack your head open

and see what's inside.

It's filled with candy corn,

psycho.

See?

That's interesting.

What?

Sarcasm as a deflection mechanism.

Is that your armchair

psychology?

I prefer pocket philosopher.

Interesting.

Intriguing.

Indubitably.

Passengers on flight 435

service to Chicago, we'd like

we'd like to thank you for your patience this evening

and apologize for the delay.

We will now begin boarding

at gate 35.

What row are you in?

Me too.

No way.

Wait, what seat are you in?

Um, A.

I'm in B.

Get out of town.

I am.

Can I slap you?

Why?

Because I love the sound.

It's so satisfying.

How hard would you hit me?

Oh, not too hard.

Just enough to get a good whap.

Okay.

I guess.

Damn, that sounded great!

Treachery.

You just slapped the sh*t

out of me.

Don't be such a little b*tch

about it.

It hurt.

Take it like a man.

Legit, you're crazy.

I think I like it.

Don't get fresh.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

On the behalf of captain groom, the entire crew would like

to welcome you onboard flight 435 service to Chicago.

Our flight time will be

four hours and ten minutes

we are scheduled to land

at 5:
40 local time.

You know what this is?

Tell me.

This is fate.

That's what this is.

We meet,

make this connection,

it can only be attributed to the Gods of

divine connectionednesssion.

Steal a koosh,

and then...

Well, and then, out of all the

seats on this plane,

our seats are exactly...

You, dude.

You're in my seat.

Are you sure?

Check it, sucker.

Listen, I was hoping

we could switch seats.

Don't cockblock, dude.

Let's go this way.

Cockblock?

What are you, like 10?

Old enough to negotiate.

As in bribery?

No, extortion.

How much?

A hundo.

Ha!

Twenty.

Done and done.

How'd that go?

We had a little tet-a-tet.

I told him you'd shank him

with a plastic spork.

So, you mean he swindled you?

Like a little b*tch.

It's a little premature

don't you think?

Touche.

Small acts of defiance,

you know?

Right.

So, where are you

connecting to?

I'm going to North Carolina.

Going home or leaving home?

Well, both I guess.

I mean I'm going to my

parent's house,

which used to be my house,

but Los Angeles's my home now.

So, I guess you could say I'm leaving home and

going home at the same time.

I like that.

Sounds more poetic

than it really is.

Don't do that.

What?

Don't not let yourself

be profound.

Well, okay.

I won't not.

Good.

Aren't you gonna ask me?

Ask you what?

About my connection.

So, I was wondering what's

your connecting flight?

New York.

Why didn't you just fly direct?

It's cheaper this way.

I'd love to be able to

afford to fly direct.

It's almost like a novelty,

you know?

Flying directly from

one place to another.

I don't know.

I kind of like connecting.

I get a weird joy

from being in airports.

Direct.

First class.

It'd be like a dream.

Have you ever been

to first class?

I got bumped one time.

It was amazing.

I think I was born

for first class.

Everyone thinks they're

born for first class.

What were we talking about before I started talking

about first class and then I talked too much?

Ur, connecting flights.

Right.

New York.

Leaving home or returning home?

Returning.

Why were you in LA?

I was visiting a friend.

A lady friend?

A man friend.

You homo.

Don't worry.

I'm accepting.

A hetero man friend.

I'm not one of the gays.

Ugh, must you call them

the gays?

No need to get homophobic.

I'm not homophobic.

Some of my best...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me guess.

You're gonna tell me that some

of your best friends are gay?

That's what racist people say.

Some of my best friends

are black people.

Some of my best friends

are gay people.

Some of my best friends are

Buddhist midgets with no arms people.

What?

Well, I mean it's an easy

claim to make.

I actually don't know

a Buddhist midget,

let alone one with no arms,

but I can claim to be best friends

with one, now, can't I?

Tangenting again, aren't I?

Yeah.

Where were we?

Visiting my man friend.

Right.

How was it?

Anti-climatic.

Why so?

Well, we're not friends

like we used to be.

It's one of the things you don't really realize

until you're there, you know?

It's like on the phone you both can

pretend it's the same,

like you're still friends

in the real sense.

But then you get face to face

and...

That's sad.

Such is life.

I suppose.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain speaking.

We have just been informed that the snow has

picked up again in Chicago.

Visibility is too low

for us to land.

So, we've been rerouted to Denver where we

will be grounded until tomorrow morning.

Airline representatives will be available to assist you on

rebooking your flight and will help you arrange for a hotel.

We greatly apologize for

the inconvenience.

We'll be landing at 2:30am

local Denver time.

Snow?

Snow.

Denver?

Denver.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey what?

Hey, listen.

Hey, listen to what?

Hey, listen.

Please, tell me what's in that

black notebook.

I don't want to.

You have to.

Why?

Because I asked politely.

I suppose you did.

Yes, I did.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I fancy myself

a writer.

You guess?

No, I fancy myself a writer.

You fancy?

Ugh, leave me alone.

Well, I'm just trying to figure out if you're guessing about

how you fancy yourself a guess or if you're a writer?

I'd like to be a writer.

Do you write?

Well, yeah.

So, you're a writer.

I guess.

Why?

I guess I just feel self-conscious

talking about it.

You know what I want?

What?

I wanna feel awake.

Have a coffee.

I mean metaphorically.

Maybe an espresso would be best.

Perhaps a cappuccino?

No?

Maybe a cafe au lait?

Are you belittling me?

No.

Just tryna call you out

on your bullshit.

Thanks.

That and help you espress yourself.

Say what?

Espress yourself.

I'm sorry.

Again, please.

Espresso self.

816,

817,

So, what are you gonna do

now?

Like right now?

Yeah.

Now, now.

Well, I'm gonna brush my teeth,

maybe contemplate life,

You know, the usual.

Well, all right.

Good luck with that.

Probably just gonna ponder

the cosmos.

Well, okay.

That's that...

What time is your flight

tomorrow?

7:
30.

Mine's at 8.

What shuttle are you

gonna take?

Probably the one at 6.

I probably will too.

So, I'll see you in the

morning.

I guess you will.

Well, I guess this is

good night.

I guess it is.

Good night.

Hello.

Hello.

God?

Yes, my child.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Contemplating life.

Did you brush your teeth?

I did.

Was it marvelous?

It was.

You wanna come over

and watch some TV?

In heaven?

Otherwise known as room 825.

I'll be there shortly.

Well, I look forward

to your arrival.

Why thank you.

You're quite welcome.

You like that movie?

Sure, it's sweet.

It's movies like that that f*** real life

and real love.

How?

They perpetuate these insane ideas

about love and the idea of it.

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