Sounds From a Town I Love

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This is the greatest city in the world.

Where else can you be paranoid

and right so often?

Four million dollars, aha?

And it's a one-bedroom?

You don't have anthrax, Claire,

will you calm down?

What you have is herpes!

Shall, I'm weak

I just saw my nutritionist

walking out of a rib joint.

No, no, no!

She's a little white poodle.

She's wearing a little red jacket

and a rhinestone collar.

She answers to the name 'Pinkie'.

She escaped from Alcohol Rehab.

My shrink said I was perfectly normal

but my wife wants me

to get a second opinion.

Yeah we had a lovely summer

at The Hamptoms.

The three children got Lyme disease

and my husband was eaten by a shark.

You can't move your business out of New York

because you're scared.

You can't just move your business.

It isn't feasible.

You're the head of the Port Authority!

I passed my physical

with flying colors.

and then I read in The Times

that flying colors causes cancer!

I can't believe I got the part.

I'm playing the lead in the all-black version

of Uncle Vanya.

I was just over at Ralph Lauren's.

I got jeans and a checkered wood shirt

I look just like a cowboy!

Hey, we went to Balthazar last night.

Oh, it's fantastic!

At the table next to ours

was Julia Roberts,

Brad Pitt,

Marlon Brando,

Tiger Woods,

Tony Blair,

the President,

and Osama Bin Laden.

It was fa... I am telling you,

that is the 'in' place to be.

So I finish making love to Britney Spears...

I walk into the office and I say:

"Mr Steinbrenner, you're fired!"

Then I woke up.

I got mugged!

I was coming home from the opera.

They took my gas mask,

my flashlight,

all my Cipro...

He's the tops on Park Avenue.

He'll do your eyes, he'll do

your neck, he'll do your chin...

Your buttocks?

I don't know if he can work with a crane...

Well, we're so wrong for each other.

But that's not the only attraction.

No, the only thing I know

about Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan...

...is that both have

very important film festivals.

It was a theme Bar Mitzvah.

'Deep Throat'.

She didn't get into her right preschool...

...which means she won't get into

a good private school

...which means she'll never get into

Ivy League college,

...she won't get a good job...

...I mean, she's three years old...

...and her life is finished.

Yeah, he did Don King's hair.

Aha he did Donald Trump's hair too.

Yeah but then they caught him

and put him back in Bellevue.

Her bra size?

It's 34 long.

When all this is over...

...and there's a new government

in Afghanistan...

...we come in with a Starbucks.

Well, these are crazy times

we live in.

I heard Rudy Giuliani and Al Sharpton

got a house together on Fire Island

It's what I heard!

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