Southland Tales Page #3

causing very irrational

criminal behavior.

How does he stop

the global deceleration?

Oh, he can't stop it.

There is no stopping

what can't be stopped.

Only God...

can stop it.

But The New York Times

said "God is dead. "

So in the end, I die

in a very tragic downtown shootout

while whispering my theory

to Dr. Muriel Fox,

the oceanography disaster specialist.

Astrophysicist!

The oceanography

disaster specialist...

sweetheart.

My character... his name...

is Jericho Kane.

You're going to have

to wear a bulletproof vest.

Let me ask you,

what goes through your head

when you sit behind the wheel...

cruising the streets,

digesting humanity?

Is it a process of elimination?

Each car that passes,

the person inside...

are they a mere suspect?

Or are we all innocents,

our chariots mere chess pieces

waiting to be thrown from the gridlock

and into the arms of the wolves?

Well, I'd say

we act like concerned citizens.

We look at all the people,

all the cars.

We look for any unusual

or erratic behavior.

Speed changes or lane changes

that seem unsafe.

Yeah, but don't you think

emotions come into play?

Judgment calls,

affected by whatever mood you're in

on that particular day?

Emotional responses

based on your past events?

Well, there is one thing.

I knew it.

I knew it, tell me. Be honest.

To be honest...

we're just looking out

for the n*ggers.

- The n*ggers?

- Yeah.

They're everywhere.

- You're joking.

- No, I'm not joking.

I'm just f***ing with you, man.

That's a funny joke.

Yes! He said "n*gger. "

But I don't think he said it

with authority.

I didn't believe him as a racist cop.

Fascist, maybe, but not racist.

Ask him about his wife.

So what does your wife think

about your new girlfriend?

- My wife?

- Yeah.

She cool with the fact that you have

a porn-star girlfriend on the side?

I'm not married.

- You're not?

- No, I'm not.

I could've sworn you were married

to the daughter of a Texas senator,

Senator Bobby Frost.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

I don't know what you're talking about,

and I don't know who he is.

I don't want to talk about this.

Why are you asking questions?

I want to talk about my movie.

Okay. Let's talk about your film.

What's it really about?

It all hinges

on a top secret experiment.

Young couple comes

home from the hospital

with their newborn baby.

A week goes by, and the baby still

hasn't produced a bowel movement.

Maybe the baby's just constipated.

No, no, no, no.

This is a very special baby.

This baby processes

energy differently.

I haven't had a bowel movement

in six days.

I haven't taken a piss either.

Revelation 11

tells the tale of two witnesses

who appear in Jerusalem

to speak out

against the sins of mankind.

They are eventually killed

by those tormented

by their prophesies.

The dude hasn't taken a sh*t

in a week.

When has it ever been in the Bible

that you have to have

a bowel movement?

It's not written anywhere.

It's not written in the Bible,

but some things is written,

like, in Mother Nature.

All of the animals sh*t.

Cows sh*t, Ilamas sh*t.

Do they like it?

Do they want to?

If they had a voice,

would they rather not?

I think they feel better

after they take a sh*t.

I think they do like it.

My answer's yes.

My answer is no.

We're never going to agree on this.

We've got to stop arguing.

We have a lot of footage

we've got to shoot.

We've got to get out of here.

Where is Kenny?

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Dude, you are late.

You two don't understand.

I mean, the sh*t is

literally hitting the fan.

Whatever, dude.

Are we still routing out of USIDent?

Yeah, of course.

We never stopped.

Ken, he wakes up,

give him an injection right there.

- Dude, you are late.

- You two don't understand.

I mean, the sh*t is

literally hitting the fan.

The Neo-Marxists

had recruited young Kenny Chan

to work as a mole inside of USIDent.

Hey, Starla?

Can I get my coat back?

Appreciate it.

But it had been his great misfortune

to trust his colleague...

Starla Von Luft.

Senator Bobby Frost

arrived in the Southland

as the campaign

for the White House

finds itself in a race

to secure California.

Senator Frost plans to tour

the alternative fuel project

at Santa Monica Pier,

hoping to combat

the intense criticism

from environmental groups

that he does not support

the alternative fuel movement.

USIDent has unraveled

a conspiracy

involving the trafficking

of human fingers.

Neo-Marxist cells

are attempting to rig

the upcoming election

using rogue fingerprints

from severed thumbs.

Well, Christ Almighty.

Lookie here.

"Teen horniness is not a crime. "

I never said it was.

Sir, I'm afraid it gets even worse.

Well, how the hell can it get

any worse?

We just received this image of Boxer

from an unidentified source

calling themselves "Deep Throat Two. "

They're transmitting

from a scrambler.

We can't trace it.

Oh, my God.

Well, how about that?

Talk of the devil,

we've got an incoming call

from Deep Throat Two.

Who are you,

and what do you want?

This is Deep Throat Two.

The b*tch is back.

And she's got Boxer Santaros

on tape in compromising positions.

And how much

do you want for the tape?

One million dollars cash

and a yes vote endorsement

by the senator on Proposition 69.

Miss Deep Throat,

this is Senator Bobby Frost.

I just saw your little movie.

I think it stinks.

Furthermore, we do not

negotiate with terrorists.

And if you think you're going

to get any money out of us,

you've got miles to go

before you sleep

and miles to go before you sleep.

B*tch.

All right, no need to panic.

We've always got phase two.

Wait, what is phase two?

You didn't tell me

there was a phase two.

Krysta, no offense to you

and your little career-makeover plan,

but we are trying to impact

the outcome of an election.

Proposition 69.

To Krysta, that number

had one meaning

and one meaning only.

To everyone else,

it was a proposition on the ballot

to restrict the powers

of the oppressive institution

known as USIDent.

My parents died

in the 4th of July attacks.

When will we be free of this terror?

Vote no. No!

I think the press conference

is over. Thank you.

Always the nerds.

And the Supreme Court

are a bunch of a**holes that...

who the f*** elected them

anyway, right?

I mean, they're a bunch

of supreme sh*t heads, right?

Don't tell me what to do

with my body, you fuckstick, right?

I have a question

for the Supreme Court.

What happens when

a woman has sex on a flight

from London to Los Angeles,

then takes the morning-after pill

while flying across the time zone?

I don't know.

Then it becomes

the morning-before pill.

You are a genius.

- Holy sh*t. That is brilliant.

- Hello. Can't argue with that.

Urban pacification units

arrested a group of individuals

tied to the Neo-Marxist movement,

fighting to impose restrictions

on the think tank organization

through Proposition 69.

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