Special Correspondents Page #10

---

- What do you say to him?

- Call your wife.

- Good. Good.

- I am.

- How much money do you want?

- [man] 100,000 for each of you.

- That's a lot.

- [man] Shh.

Well, it is. I'm saying.

I'm not gonna promise anything,

but we're gonna get you what...

- [playing piano scales]

- [cell phone rings]

- Hello?

- [Finch] Eleanor.

- What do you want?

- Right, we're in Ecuador,

and we've been captured by bandits

and they want $200,000

- or they're gonna kill me and Frank.

- Stop it. Where are you calling me from?

- Where are we exactly? She wants to know.

- $300,000.

Hear that? He put it up. That's what

we're dealing with, unreasonable.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I'm keeping that money.

I raised it, I gave you your half.

Stop trying to con me out of mine.

She thinks we're conning her.

She doesn't believe me.

- She thinks we're trying to get her money.

- She doesn't trust him.

- You gotta talk to her.

- [Finch] You talk to her.

- [Frank] Talk to her, please.

- I'm gonna hand you to the head bandit.

- Bandido. So, you speak to her.

- [Eleanor sighs]

- Hello, ma'am.

- Eleanor.

- What's that?

- Eleanor.

[man] Eleanor.

Eleanor, if you don't pay, I'm gonna

kill your husband and Mr. Franks.

Kill everybody. Greetings from New York.

- What'd she say?

- She said to kill you all.

- She said that?

- She said that, yeah.

- That's what I'm dealing with.

- Who is this?

- That's my wife.

- [man] Your wife makes me very sad.

Welcome to my world, son. I'm glad

you spoke to her, though, first-hand.

- Urgh!

- I know. She's...

- [speaks in Spanish]

- Yeah.

[speaking in Spanish]

[man growls]

That's nice, isn't it? "Kill them."

I can't believe she just did that.

She hung up?

She said, "Kill them." And then...

[bandits speaking indistinctly]

- [bandit 1] We gotta be professional.

- [bandit 2] I was professional.

[bandit 1] You were not professional.

[bandit 2]

I did exactly what you told me to.

[loudly] Thank you.

[bandit]

What the f*** did you just do?

Hey, come on. Hey!

- No, no, no. Is okay. Is okay.

- [Finch] Sorry.

[c*cks gun]

- Who the f*** are you talking to?

- Nothing.

He's sorry. We're sorry. Sorry.

[Frank sighs]

[clucking]

- [Frank] What are you thinking?

- Thinking that chili was definitely off.

Speed of sound is about

350 meters per second, a bit less.

A bullet is about 400 meters per second.

So, if they shoot us,

we'll be dead before we hear the bang.

- Great. So, we won't jump, then.

- No.

- I'm scared.

- You weren't yesterday, in the bar.

That was the cocaine.

Look.

Maybe this will make me

a little bit braver again. [chuckles]

Popeye on spinach.

Where is it?

Your sweat probably dissolved it.

- I can taste it. Do you want some?

- Yeah. Why don't I suck your toes, too?

No.

Mm.

It's all coming out.

Ah.

[tapping]

Ah. I've got, like, a toothache all over.

[groans]

- That was way too much for one.

- How's your heart?

Yeah, it feels like

my heart's in my brain.

- How's your balls?

- Non-existent.

They've shrunk. And the willy.

It's like a little snail

going into its shell. Dense.

It's like the same matter

in a much smaller... [groans]

They're the least of my problems. I...

Oh, my God. I feel like I'm gonna burst.

If you feel bad, it makes it bad.

- If you feel good, you feel good.

- You okay?

You feel good, and if bad, it's the, um...

Uh... Oh, God.

[groaning]

- You gonna be all right?

- Yeah. Better not, because they're...

[mutters] F***ing, like, "Hey, man."

F*** you. You're nothing but a b*tch.

Gonna slap them.

They're pussies, really.

They come in, "F*** you.

No, give me that." F*** off, you b*tch.

Suck my balls.

[truck approaches outside]

I've got terrible gut rot.

- [heavy metal music playing nearby]

- Motorhead, "Ace of Spades."

That's what I call myself

on Rebel Coup.

- "Ace of Spades." That's a good omen.

- [Frank] Great omen.

So, you have no one that loves you

that is willing to pay money

to get you back.

Completely useless to us. Worthless.

We might as well get

some entertainment out of you.

You two are fighting to the death.

Come on, get up.

Can I use the toilet, please?

- I need to...

- Come on, get up.

What do you mean fight to the death?

That's ridiculous.

- That's right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna shoot me?

The other ones

are going to hear the shots,

they're gonna come in here:

pop, pop, pop.

- Shoot you to bits.

- I don't care. We're gonna die anyway.

No. Only one of you will die, you see?

You're gonna fight each other

to the death. The winner will be free.

Shoot him.

Shoot him.

You're thinking you'd win, aren't you?

- I would win.

- You don't know that.

- He definitely will.

- [Finch] You don't know that.

- Look at you and look at him.

- You don't know what I can do.

So, don't... Just...

[breathing heavily]

- I can't do it.

- Oh, God. Give it to me.

[guffawing]

Are you gonna shoot me now?

This is just...

It's not as easy as it looks, right?

- [grunts]

- [loud fart]

- [men shouting indistinctly nearby]

- [Finch groans]

- Oh, I've sh*t myself.

- [man shouts in Spanish]

[grunts] Oh, f***! F***ing...

My f***ing balls!

F***, you shot my f***ing balls, man.

[heavy metal music playing]

Aah!

The Jeep!

[gunfire]

[Finch groaning]

[grunts]

[Finch]

Go, go, go, go, go.

- [both laughing]

- Whoo!

[cheering]

- [fires shots in the air]

- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo!

- [fires round into truck]

- [Frank] Come on!

- [Finch] I'm sorry.

[man on radio]

Frank Bonneville and Ian Finch,

the two radio employees held hostage

for nearly a month, have been released.

They were welcomed

at the U.S. embassy in Quito

and are said to be exhausted,

but unharmed and in good spirits.

The Ecuadorian Liberation Front

claim responsibility for the kidnapping

and are believed to have been paid

their ransom by Eleanor Finch

- from the public's generous donations.

- Thank you.

This is Q365 News, saying:

welcome home, boys.

[band playing "A Dollar For A Hero"]

[cheering]

You must be so proud.

I am. It's probably

the best song I've written.

[inaudible dialogue]

Frank, welcome back.

I was wrong about you.

Which part? The bit about

being a drunk, arrogant hack

- who doesn't care about anybody?

- Yeah.

No, you weren't.

I'm a work in progress.

- Hmm.

- And Finch finally did something brave.

Really?

Not yet.

[Finch] Hey.

Don't worry. We'll never tell anyone

you weren't really kidnapped.

- No, we were kidnapped.

- Of course.

Sure.

[woman]

Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Bonneville.

[cheering]

Well, thank you. Thank you. Uh...

He's the one you should be applauding,

because let me tell you something...

Ian Finch is a hero. Okay?

He may look like a squat, ineffectual

nobody, but he is the real man here.

- [cheers and applause]

- [ring clatters]

[man] What's it like

to have your husband back?

- [Frank] Thank you. Thank you.

- Great. It's so great.

And what's next for Eleanor Finch?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes