Speech & Debate Page #3

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[Marie] Diwata, what

is going on in there?

No, Mom...

But I'm an actress.

Speech and Debate sounds like

homework that nerds want to do

because regular homework

isn't, I don't know, enough?

Just read the part that says

"D.I." on the home page.

They call it competitive acting.

You'll see why I called you.

[rock music playing]

[Diwata] Welcome to North Salem's

revived Speech and Debate team.

My name's Diwata,

and as team captain...

Self-appointed team captain.

I'm not acknowledging

that remark.

And I'm Solomon, and please know

that you can come to me

with any questions.

Or you could come to me,

so Solomon doesn't

get bugged too often.

We're gonna go over

different debate categories.

Hey, can we play icebreakers?

No. I'm running

the meeting, please.

Should have played icebreakers.

Um, who's our faculty Advisor?

Who's gonna sign my transcript?

Uh...

We don't have an official

faculty Advisor yet,

but it shouldn't be a problem,

given the decent turnout today.

Uh...

Solomon, tell them about

the tournament in the city.

- We travel, people.

- Okay. Okay.

The Portland Invitational

- is two weeks away...

- But first, travel is... Yes?

I don't get this. Who are you?

And who are you?

This is so weird.

I'm Diwata, and this is Solomon.

My background is in legitimate

theater and blogging.

Solomon's more into the debate

events, like Lincoln-Mercury.

It's Lincoln-Douglas,

after the President

and Stephen Douglas.

- Right...

- It's one-on-one debating.

Call that category LD, that's

the lingo for that event.

I'll teach you all the terms.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried.

Okay, if we could all

get into a circle...

This year's debate topic is...

Resolved.

When in conflict, an

individual's freedom of speech

should be valued over

a community's moral standards.

In a year with our mayor...

He's in trouble, and...

With the school censoring

our newspaper articles,

this is pretty relevant, yeah?

Solomon, you're

freaking people out.

It can be fun, too.

The best category is

called Dramatic Interpretation,

where you perform all the parts

of a play yourself.

Witness.

Welcome to a tale of witchcraft,

where Puritan Mary Warren

stands before the court

unsure of whether

or not telling the truth

will set her free

or set her on fire.

So get ready.

And if you feel flames,

don't pull the fire alarm.

Things are just

really heating up in...

The Crucible, by Arthur Miller.

[motorized wheelchair

engine revving]

I'm saying that

we aren't even official

until we have

at least three members.

Three members.

How hard can that be?

[Casey singing]

La, la, la, la, la

You guys shouldn't

be hanging out in the hallways.

Casey shouldn't be allowed to sing those

notes, and you shouldn't be allowed

- to direct traffic.

- Oh, my gosh. Diwata.

We're leaving. We're leaving.

La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

Every guy in school

has a boner for her.

Oh, you, too?

Great ass, right?

Here's the thing. After one

baby, it'll sink to the floor,

but she won't stop singing,

and you'll be stuck listening

to that off-key screeching

everywhere.

The car, the shower.

- Is that really what you want?

- No.

I don't want Casey.

I'm kind of seeing someone else.

Is she from Canada

or youth group?

Shut up. We met online.

Online.

Only losers meet people online.

Only losers.

I know how to get

our third member.

- No. No.

- Yes. Yes.

No, there's no way

you could get me to do this.

Can you please not shout?

Look, I saw your boardroom

performance.

- You are a terrible public speaker.

- It wasn't a performance.

This is the perfect way

for you to get your...

whatever you call it,

your lesbians-in-love club.

You really cannot be back here.

Listen, I watched your podcasts,

and they're entertaining,

but I'm not about

to join the geek club.

You watched them?

You think I'm entertaining?

Thank you. I think you're...

too young to meet teachers

in public parks at night.

You don't know me at all.

What I do know is

if you join the team,

and debate issues

you care about,

while wearing the skinny jeans

you're rocking right now,

all the boys will be

begging for your number,

after you beat them down

with your passionate words.

What do you even need a GSA for?

Homophobia is so 1985.

- No. No, no, no. Please.

- Yes.

You have less to worry

about than other minorities,

less than women.

I'm a double minority.

I'm female and Filipino.

[laughs]

You don't look Filipino.

You don't look gay.

Yes, you do.

It's the hair, isn't it?

Is it the hair?

Yes, Blondeboi.

And PS, what shade

of blonde are you, ebony?

You just don't really...

[sighs]

I'm an alien in this town.

When I was in Portland,

at least there were

other guys that were like me.

Portland, you say,

home of the first

competition of the year,

just two weeks away.

Think of it as a free trip

back to your roots.

So you want to know about

Speech and Debate?

I wish...

I wish...

I whiff.

Someone's been wishing

for fun, friends,

and new adventures.

Well, I have the epitome

of success

for all promising

high schoolers.

Speech and Debate?

But I'm interested in talking

about things affecting

our country right now.

Well, Gideon, your wish

is granted.

Since you are such

a skilled writer,

why not try Persuasive Speaking?

You get ten minutes

to give a speech

on whatever your heart desires.

Or if you're feeling

argumentative...

[politician speaking] we're

faced each time with a crisis.

Hey, wait!

What's in this for me?

Lucy, with your flair,

you'll shine

in the "Interp" categories,

like...

Dramatic Interpretation...

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Group Interpretation...

I have something worse

than stomach cancer,

and you gave it to me!

The only thing

I gave you was love.

Love and stomach cancer.

I can't think of a single thing

about that video

that wasn't awful.

The genie wasn't so bad.

You're a creepshow.

We need to pick

what events we'll do.

I don't want to get

laughed out of Portland.

If we're gonna do this,

we need to rehearse.

Sorry. Please continue,

Professor.

I'll take Persuasive Speaking.

[chalk breaking]

Resolved. When in conflict,

an individual's

freedom of speech

should be valued over

a community's moral standards.

Wait. If it's resolved,

why do we have to debate it?

The school board has been

shielding students

from important discussions

about abortion...

- I don't care what you're

saying, - religion,

- because all I see is robot.

- Politics.

But who are they protecting?

Be a real boy.

Or the adults who would

rather ignore our issues

rather than engage them?

Eye contact. Solomon.

I saw Goody Osborn

with the Devil.

I saw Bridget Bishop

with the Devil.

I saw Goody Hawkins

with the Devil.

Looks like you're having an

orgasm while getting murdered.

[Solomon] Community's morals

don't include homosexuality,

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