Spice World

Well done, girls.

Excellent performance.

You weren't even watching,

Clifford.

- Yes, I was.

- No, you weren't.

- I sensed the vibes.

- Yeah, right.

- He doesn't love us any more.

- I love you like a wildebeeste

loves five lionesses

chewing at his legs.

Hello.

I'm Piers Cuthbertson Smythe.

Today, I'm spending

the first of five days

with the Spice Girls.

- Elton!

- Elton!

- Hey!

- Hello.

- Good to see ya.

- Hi there.

- Great glasses, Elton.

- Thank you.

We've gotta go. Sorry, Elton.

Soon, the Spice Girls

will be stampeding

down this corridor

in a frenzy of chaos and energy

which is their hallmark.

Chickens? How many?

Why are we going round the back?

You said

they were coming this way.

I never said that.

- Want me to cut?

- That would be wise.

There won't be any fans out

here. They're around the front.

- Girls! It's Andy from the Sun!

- Not up the skirts.

What was that, Clifford?

Bye!

Come on. Come on.

Hands off my fluffy toys.

Nobody come in my bit.

Don't touch my wardrobe.

Can you get changed?

We're there in 15 minutes.

Dennis, Albert Hall.

Partner...

we're heavy and rolling.

OK, horoscopes!

I don't believe star signs.

You're Aquarian. Aquarians

don't believe in anything.

I don't believe that, either.

Oh, no! I can't find my boots!

It's always the same.

I never know what to wear.

It must be hard to decide

whether to wear the little Gucci

dress, the little Gucci dress,

or...the little Gucci dress.

Exactly.

I know. Why don't you wear

the little Gucci dress?

Thanks, Em.

- There they are!

- What?

- You're wearing my boots!

- How did that happen?

Typical Leo, borrowing stuff

without asking.

- No, that's Capricorn.

- Don't start on Capricorns.

That's it!

- Have them back!

- I don't want 'em!

- Excuse me!

- What?

- What do you think of this?

- It's great.

A press conference's coming up.

That means smiling

and answering dumb questions.

It really is exciting.

We're breaking the news now.

Next Saturday, the Spice Girls

perform live at the Albert Hall.

- Are you excited?

- Very excited.

It'll be fantastic.

It's gonna be broadcast live

throughout the world.

How many countries?

- Millions.

- Maybe more.

Have you a message

for your fans?

Yes.

To the people in France.

They're huge in Portugal.

And to the people in Leeds:

"Northerners!"

I don't know what that means,

but it's gonna be great.

They are adorable.

- You haven't shaved for us.

- Well, I...

- I've got what you want.

- Watch this!

These are the Spice Girls.

I've seen them.

I like the blonde one.

- No, Sporty.

- Yeah, sporty one's good.

This is what our movie

should be about.

They're cute.

They're hip, they're wacky.

But can they act?

Did anyone care

if Marilyn Monroe could act?

All they cared,

was she in focus?

I've got an idea.

You're gonna love it.

It's the Spice Girls.

There's five of them,

and they're singers...

I love it.

We pitch this afternoon.

Yes, Chief.

Are the girls ready

for Saturday?

They've got fire in their eyes,

hunger in their bellies

and great big shoes

on their feet.

They're raring to go.

Remember that now

is the dangerous time.

They've had success

very quickly,

so get ready for the backlash.

When the speeding melon

hits the wall...

it's Christmas for the crows.

Shall I go after the paparazzi?

'I could start kicking

arses, stir things up.'

There's no need

for any stirring.

Put cats among the pigeons.

Leave the pigeons alone.

Watch the feathers fly,

get some blood on the walls.

- No!

- Sorry, Chief, just an idea.

There'll be time

for that soon enough.

The drummer who is

without sticks has no backbeat.

Absolutely.

Right, Puss?

- What did he say?

- I haven't a clue...

but I know that he's right.

Drummer? Drummer.

Remember, the camera is

the window to the soul.

- Window to the soul.

- That's it.

Through the eyes, obviously.

I wanna take my audience

into their mind's eye,

and focus on their

deepest subconscious.

Deepest subconscious.

That's it, Enzo. Got it? Great.

So track, track, track,

track, and then...

We'll need a longer lens.

What's going on?

Sorry. My fault.

- Sort your fingers out!

- Left your boxing gloves on?

Once again, please.

That was absolutely perfect

without being actually any good.

Once again, then.

- Hiya.

- Hi, Nic!

Let's keep the momentum

going, please.

- Time to quit.

- After a short break then.

Are you all right?

Look at that emotion.

Real, raw emotion.

Come on, boys!

Capture that magic!

Quickly.

How are you feeling?

All right,

except my back's done in

and I haven't seen

my feet for weeks.

- I hear they're really fat.

- They are...not.

How's baby?

How would you feel being

carried around in a waterbed?

Very lucky.

It kicked!

- When's it due?

- Last week.

You ought to charge it storage.

- So...how's Trevor?

- Trevor's left me.

I don't believe it.

Sound running.

Would you mind

not filming, please?

Cut.

I knew Trevor was irresponsible,

but now he's proved it.

What a complete...

I want to show

the real Spice Girls.

I want to crash through

the show-biz facade

and reveal the truth.

So long as you crash through

the show-biz facade on schedule.

And don't get in anybody's way.

Yes, well,

a smile costs nothing.

Nic, it'll be all right.

Oh, no.

- What?

- What?

- I think I am getting broody.

- Oh, no!

Wait till you start having kids.

That'd be really weird.

How does my Gloria

gets her clothes so dirty?

Bless her.

My poor back.

How can you have more kids?

You've got six already.

Is it six?

They're cute

when they're little,

then they grow up

to be little bleeders.

Thank God for boarding school.

- Our Terry goes to me...

- Cheers.

He goes,

"Ma, I wanna be a singer."

I said,

"Get yourself a proper job."

Does he listen? No.

They never do. I mean...

Darling, kids today,

they don't know...

how lucky they are!

Brucey! Demi!

Turn that bloody racket down!

There's the small matter

of an extremely live gig

on Saturday.

We're coming.

I don't want you to go.

- Take care.

- See you later.

We're coming.

- I need to wee.

- Yeah, so do I.

Down here. Quick.

Baby Spice! Get her shoes!

- Which one's Baby?

- The blonde one.

- Posh one.

- Which one?

The one that looks posh.

Across to Geri. Hips. Good.

This is a good bit.

"Spice Girls set

to conquer the globe."

Look at that, Brad.

"Spice Girls set

to conquer the globe."

Why can't I pick up a paper

without seeing them

all over the front page?

- You told us to write that.

- I know, I know!

As long as they sell newspapers,

we'll have to write about them.

I'm sick of them!

We need a new angle.

Who cares if the Spice Girls

get to Number One again?

Who cares if they climb

up Mount Everest on an ostrich,

or find a cure for dj vu?

Not me.

Or if they find a cure

for dj vu?

Not me.

I've got a better idea.

Try this for size.

"Spice Girls' live show

cancelled."

That's not bad.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes