Spice World Page #2

"Spice Girls fall out."

"Spice Girls...split up!"

Think how many copies

that headline will sell.

- I like it!

- I can make it happen!

Me, Kevin McMaxford.

I put them there,

I can bring 'em down!

- Yes!

- Who's gonna help me?

Who is gonna help me

take on Girl Power

and bring it crashing

to the ground?

I'll find someone, Kevin.

I just wish

you wouldn't get so upset.

It is dangerous

to store moisurising cream

in the refrigerator.

It can be mistaken

for mayonnaise.

Check.

- What do you mean, "Check"?

- My bishop's got your king.

- Where?

- There.

Move it in front

or out of the way.

I'll move that fairground horse.

- Sort that out.

- You can't do that.

- Says who?

- Says Mr Chess.

- It's in the rules.

- I'm gonna break the rules

and set this fairground

horse free. There.

I'll slap you in a minute.

It's obvious that the

Spice Girls are movie stars.

We've worked

on this idea for months.

Can we turn off

our cellphones?

Respect for the writer.

OK, five girls, five lives.

One story as old as time itself,

but as fresh as newly-cut grass.

- And that's fresh.

- The girls play five sisters

whose parents disappeared

during the Harrod's sale

and were never seen again.

As if ripped

from today's headlines.

Now they live at home,

struggling to support

a grandmother

who suffers from some

mysterious wasting disease.

I've got tears.

Their only hope lies with

the middle sister, Melanie C,

who's convinced she could be

an Olympic ski-jump champion

if only she could overcome

her fear of heights and snow

and find a pair of skis.

That's amazing.

That's fantastic.

- What do you think?

- It stinks.

Of course it stinks,

but it's a start.

We're cooking here.

This is a stew, a gumbo -

a jambalaya, if you will.

We're just jamming.

OK, here's another idea.

Crocodiles...

If you want tickets

to the Spice Girls' live gig,

you're too late.

But they're with me now...

- Oh, turn it off.

- All right.

What's it like to be Baby Spice?

Do you think I'm always

gonna be seen as Baby Spice,

even when I'm...30.

- You play up to it, Emma.

- No, I don't.

- You're doing it now.

- I am not!

Em, you've got this

dead cute little smile,

so you can get away

with anything.

Ladies and gentlemen....

Four horrible murders...

perpetrated by the same...

ruthless psychopath.

Each victim riddled

with 100 machine-gun bullets.

But who is it?

Professor Schutzman?

Father Conan Murphy?

Lady Matilda Davenport?

Or...

Miss Emma...

Bunton?

The murderer is...

Father Conan Murphy!

I am fed up with people

thinking I talk

about clothes all the time.

People only judge you

on what you look like.

Exactly.

It's the same with fish.

You've got the spotty one

that's wacky,

the fluffy one that's cute,

and this ugly loser one

that reminds me

of my ex-boyfriend Steven.

Did you know the largest fish

in the world is the manta ray?

And there's the ginger one

that is full of useless

information about manta rays.

I don't get it.

Why do people

stereotype us all the time?

We're getting predictable.

Maybe I should stop being loud.

Fat chance.

Hold it there.

Now give it to me.

Why don't we give

each other new characters?

- Like what?

- What about Bricklayer Spice?

- Sexy! Come on, energy!

- Or Trainspotting Spice.

Smashing!

How about Sporty-But-Interested-

In-Other-Things Spice?

Go for it, girls!

Cheesed-Off-With-Cheesy-

Photo-Sessions Spice.

- There you are.

- Thank you!

And again.

Let's go do our own thing.

Come on.

Hello, Mr Bond.

Or can I call you James?

Do you want that

shaken or stirred?

That's it. I'm off. I'm going.

Hup, hup, hup, hup!

I'm so sporty!

My mummy's my best friend.

I'm just too posh.

When are Liverpool gonna

win the cup, like, eh?

Are we finished yet?

Girl Power.

Feminism.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, no.

I feel as if

I'm being strangled.

I nearly fell off these shoes

and sprained my ankle.

These are really tight.

They go right up my bum.

- These are really comfy.

- Don't even think about it.

- I'm getting these off.

- I need some platforms.

How can you wear these, Geri?

You look crap

in my clothes anyway.

Yes! I've got

the man for the job.

He did the Fergie

toe-sucking pictures,

he got the Teletubbies

taking a poo,

and he can get Clinton tucking

his T-shirt into his underpants.

Sounds great,

but where the hell is he?

I'm here.

How do we know you're any good?

7.45. You sniffing your socks

before putting them on.

8.55. You in the lift,

picking your nose.

Another bogey breakfast.

He's good.

You again.

Behind the bike sheds

with Eileen when you were 12.

He's very good.

He's gone.

Now hear this.

After using the showers,

could people please pick up

the hair in the plugholes?

It's unhygienic

and can lead to flooding.

Clifford, can't you

just tell us normally?

Next stop - publicity party.

Beautiful people,

reporters, interviews,

lots of finger food. Have fun.

That is all.

- They're here. Don't look.

- I'm not looking.

I hate these parties.

Everyone dresses over the top.

They all ask how you are,

and they don't even care.

I should be at the footie now

and... Do you know him?

Sorry.

- Do you know who I am?

- Who are you?

Piers Cuthbertson Smythe.

I'm with the Spice Girls.

Your name's not down,

you're not coming in.

You said he'd recognise you.

I have to go to all the shows -

Gucci, Pucci, Fendi...

I was very disappointed

with their spring collections.

As for McQueen and Galliano,

I could go either way.

What do you think

about manta rays?

Oh, yes.

Marvellous designer, Manta Ray.

I love Manta Ray.

These are Manta Ray shoes.

These are his glasses.

Bob, we have to sort your hair

out. I'm gonna do your hair.

What's wrong with the hair?

Everybody's going on about it.

We don't want to

threaten a man's masculinity.

- Of course not.

- Or be dominating.

Of course not.

Men sometimes get all nervous

and don't know what to say.

Well, um...things...

I'm gonna go to the toilet.

Hello, Trish!

I've been talking

to a Spice Girl.

I know.

Bob, I think you look great.

What the hell have you done?

- Nicola, Nicola! Remember me?

- Yes. Hi.

We're with her.

We have to get in.

Spare ticket.

We have a ticket.

"And tonight is the night,

"When three become one."

- Thank you.

- He's great, isn't he?

I've got something

important to ask you.

If you don't want

to do it, it's all right.

I was thinking one of you

could be godmother to the baby.

But you're all my best mates.

I want you all to be godmothers.

It's got to be

a Liverpool supporter.

Hang on. Do godmothers

get stretch marks?

Sorry to interrupt,

it's interview and photo time.

- Do we have to?

- Yes, it's your job.

- I'm so sorry.

- See you later.

Girls, it's publicity

for Saturday's show.

Are you part

of the Spice phenomenon?

No, I'm just nobody.

Excuse me a minute.

So we're on a wide-angled lens?

Running.

And now tonight,

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