Spice World Page #3

I'll be asking

the big questions.

How are relationships moulded

in this kaleidoscopic world

the Spice Girls inhabit?

Let's find out, shall we?

So do you have

any time for boys?

Boys? Doesn't ring a bell.

I think you should just

be able to wheel them in,

then they're there,

and then that's it.

Really?

And order them like a pizza.

I'll have a deep pan, 6-foot,

green eyes, pair of loafers,

and no socks.

Yeah, no cheese.

But you like boys,

don't you, Geri?

Come on.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Apparently he is, yes.

Church leaders

have reacted with shock

to reports that the Spice Girls

have cast doubt on the religious

conviction of the Pope.

That's more like it!

A Vatican spokesman said

the pontiff was confused

by the suggestion that

he might not be Catholic.

We asked the Bishop

of Candleford what he thought.

It's a terrible suggestion,

almost blasphemous.

Of course

the Pope's a Catholic!

Otherwise he wouldn't

have become Pope, would he?

What evidence do they have

to support these allegations?

Here we go.

The backlash has started.

When the rabbit

of chaos is pursued

by the ferret of disorder

through the fields of anarchy,

it is time to hang your pants

on the hook of darkness.

Yup.

Whether they're clean or not.

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

Why Milan?

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

A TV special.

Screaming kids. The usual.

London to Milan

Flight SG 1919

6.30am

Are we there yet?

What is this?

No way.

Clifford,

what is going on here?

Stop, stop, stop.

Why are you stop-a?

We didn't agree to have

them dancing with us.

You said it was going to be

tacky, but this IS tacky.

Hey, Bobby Charlton.

Why are they stop-a?

They're stopping because

these clowns suddenly appeared.

Molto, molto good dancer.

Sure, but they should be

on another show, or in a zoo.

Look at his muscles. He's got

ferrets burrowing under there.

I know. I'm sorting it out.

Over here.

You think that's real

down there?

Looks like

a pair of rolled-up socks.

You carry on like this,

I take the girls back.

You take the girls back?

What about the contract?

Contract?

In my bed I've got two teddies,

a rabbit and two dollies.

Susan's got a bad eye.

The boys a-stay here.

The girls a-go, I a-sue you.

A.C. Milan? Nah.

You're weak in your midfield.

I've got a green giraffe.

I felt sorry for him.

Then there's Buzz, the alien,

and a fluffy pink water bottle.

So there's not

enough room for you, mate.

- Hey, your mother.

- My mother?

Si. Your mother.

Hey. YOUR mother!

- Mi mama?

- Si, your big fat mother,

and your brother-in-law

and your mad cousin

and your next-door

neighbour's goat!

I kill you.

Go for it!

Boys, boys, boys.

Calm down.

Have you not heard

of "compromisation"?

What?

E pazzo.

Crazy, crazy.

- That looks better.

- We agreed on a compromise.

You'll never believe it

- What on earth's that?

- That's the compromise.

Hey, Bobby Charlton!

Culi bellissimi!

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

Was that really worth it?

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

I'm glad we've got

the morning off.

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

First one in a month.

Milan to London

Flight SG 1819

Midnight

Are we there yet?

- I'm dying for the loo.

- So am I.

Can we stop the bus?

Dennis, pull over.

The girls need to go

to the bathroom...again.

I'm bursting to go wee.

Geri, I borrowed your shoes.

Mind the spiders!

Doesn't matter

how successful you are.

Sometimes you have

to pee in the woods.

How can all the toilets

break down at the same time?

It's not my fault.

It's hard to get a plumber

to your house,

and that stays in one place.

Try calling one

out to a bus. Impossible.

Can't you do

something about them?

- Like what?

- Fix them!

Listen. I love these girls,

and I'll do anything for 'em.

But I won't do that.

Let's not go any further.

I'm scared.

Why is the countryside

so bloody muddy?

Something just brushed past me.

It's only a beast

that wants to eat you.

- Oh, pack it in, Mel.

- It wasn't me.

I think we're lost.

What's that?

Oh, my God, run for it!

I can't move!

It's them! It's them! Look!

Are you sure?

Yes! There's

the little blonde one.

That's what you said before...

..and it was a sheep!

Get off!

I told you - shake hands!

Geri, say something to them.

Say something.

What do you want with us?

Are you the Spice Girls?

Yes.

Can we have tickets

for your Albert Hall gig?

I'm sorry,

but they've all sold out.

I told you

we should've booked early!

What's that?

Can I have your autograph?

It's for my brother.

What's his name?

- Is that 3 or 4 Ks?

- I think that's 4.

Could you sign this,

please, Posh?

Oh, gosh, you're fat.

Give us a kiss, Ginger one!

He wants you to snog him.

Say "khttttyakkk"!

Smile.

What do you mean, aliens?

Aliens from outer space.

They had little squidgy faces.

And cheap green coats.

You're obviously under stress.

You need some time off.

I'm going to stand up

to the chief. Be assertive.

I'll ask him...no, tell him...

the girls'll have

the morning off.

The answer is no, Clifford.

Chief?

The girls cannot have

the morning off.

Of course not, Chief.

The fact that they've

been working hard

and they're exhausted is...

- Irrelevant.

- Irrelevant.

Without sacrifice,

there is no success.

Without pain,

there is no pleasure.

And without something,

there is no nothing.

Very assertive, Clifford.

You'd better go and tell them.

- I know.

- Go on, then.

I'm going on, then.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye.

Hold on, hold on.

Where are you going?

We're going home to sleep.

I'm sorry.

There's been a change of plan.

The schedule's too tight.

No morning off.

- Oh, nice one, Clifford.

- You nearly had us there.

You're not good at telling fibs.

I'm sorry.

There's too much to get through.

- You're not joking, are you?

- Oh, no.

We've got to see

Nicola in the morning

'cause the baby's overdue.

Babies are allowed

to be overdue. You're not.

Please.

I'll buy you a milk

chocolate Magnum each.

- OK.

- No.

- You can only push us so far.

- Yeah, right.

You just better watch it, mate.

From now on, there's

no more Mr Nice Spice.

My God.

- What do you think?

- I don't know, mate.

Fooled you!

- Gotcha.

- See you in the morning!

Don't forget my Magnum.

Now hear this.

You are about

to enter dance camp.

You will be

under the instruction

of the toughest

dance teacher ever, Mr Step.

Right, you horrible lot!

Left, right, left.

Whoo. Yaah.

Don't give me

any of that Julie Andrews

high-on-a-hill type claptrap.

I'm your mother now,

and I don't mean superior.

Take that sweet

out of your mouth!

Right, now, shooo-tanoo.

Shimmy, shimmy.

Are you the dance teacher?

That is correct.

I'll show you my pas de bra,

though that won't apply to you.

Pay attention.

One...

Two, one...

- This is ridiculous.

- We can't dance like that.

Yes, I know.

I've seen your videos.

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