Spinning Man

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1

Hillside police.

Detective Malloy, please?

I'd like to report a crime.

Mm-hmm.

Can we talk?

Sure.

Come on in.

Alone?

Long night?

Yeah.

How 'bout some coffee?

Do you have trouble remembering

things sometimes, detective?

I'll finish up

if you want to go.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, totally.

I'll clock you out.

Hey, so, Eric's mom's

out of town,

and he's having people over.

Who's all going?

Everyone.

You wanna ride together?

I don't know.

I'm not feeling

the whole kegger thing.

- Are you okay, Joyce?

- Yeah.

Well, text me later.

Maybe I'll go.

Okay.

Uh, why did I come in here?

I can't help you.

Oh, more soap.

Hmm. Dare I ask?

I'm washing the car.

Why? What's the occasion?

It's Saturday,

and Saturday is the day

we get things done.

Zelda, honey, will you go

help your dad wash the car?

Do I have to?

Well, it'd be nice if you did.

Come on. You can play

with Marvin later.

Mom said I should help you.

Oh, great. Well,

grab a rag, and dig in.

Yuck, dad. When was the

last time you washed this?

Oh, no!

Got me! Oh!

Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!

Get away from my sister!

Oh, no! It's super dude!

It's super dude!

Can we get

a momentary cease-fire?

Why? Do you want to get past?

I don't know. What do you think?

- Should we let mommy pass?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah?

Okay, well,

put the thing down.

- You don't trust us?

- I trust them.

Oh, ouch.

- As for safe passage on the way back...

- Hey! Hey!

Don't you dare.

What do you think, z?

She never asked to get back.

- She never asked to get back.

- I'm your mother!

She never asked to get back.

She never asked.

That's right. She never asked.

Did she? Whoa!

She never asked to get back.

Oh, get her! Get her!

Well, that was a great lesson

to teach our kids,

how to back out

of their word.

I was just demonstrating

the importance

of choosing your words

precisely.

Besides, all's fair

in love and water fights.

Mm.

Did you forget why

you came in here, too?

No. I know exactly

why I came in here.

- I'm still mad at you.

- Really?

Oh, Evan,

i swear to god, this house.

If it's not one thing...

We have a mouse.

Oh.

I'll call Parsons.

I thought we didn't like them.

I'll get some traps.

No, we're not killing

a little mouse like that.

You'd rather pay Lloyd Parsons

a million dollars?

I will sort it out.

I've gotta clean that up.

Thanks, buddy.

This was in Florida,

in the park.

Oh, this is a good one.

Damn it, Irene.

They want a recent picture.

Christ.

You have a school picture,

something like that?

She made

varsity this year.

Oh, beautiful.

May I borrow this?

It's my only copy.

I'll get it back to you,

Mrs. bonner,

I promise, untouched.

Are you serious?

Over there, pink top,

talking to pavel.

God damn it.

Why do all the good ones

go into sociology?

Maybe you'll get lucky and

she'll audit your ethics class.

Hypothetical:

A student approaches

you for one night of passion.

She's beautiful, just your type.

She's an adult.

She has no interest

in ruining your career

or your marriage

by telling anyone.

All she wants is one night.

Do you comply?

Would she want extra credit?

Answer the question.

No, I do not comply.

Aside from the blatant breach

of professional ethics,

I have my marriage to consider.

Fascinating.

I recall reading

a certain book recently.

The name of the author

escapes me,

who said whether one experiences

guilt is a rational decision.

You're misquoting.

What I said was,

"one's experience of guilt

is a conditioned response,

which objective reasoning

can overcome."

I'm saying,

objectively, she's hot,

and she wants you.

Whether you feel guilty

about it is up to you.

Are you saying you would do it?

Of course not.

I'm married.

Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.

I lost track of time.

How was your first day back?

You missed nothing.

What are you guys

still doing up?

Daddy! Daddy, there's a

crazy person in the woods.

A crazy person in the woods?

What do you mean?

There's not a crazy person

in the woods, Adam.

The only crazy person's you.

Z.

What's he talking about?

Oh, a girl went missing

up at the lake,

a cheerleader from eastfield.

Z told him

there's a crazy person

in the woods who eats kids.

Very brothers grimm.

She's definitely

gonna be an English major.

You know, I'm worried, actually,

'cause the kids ride

their bikes up there.

Was she lost or abducted?

They don't know.

You know, she's 17.

She could have run away.

Well, maybe we just say

no bikes after dark

up at the lake

until they know more.

What are you looking for?

I thought you were saving that.

What happened, ev?

Nothing.

Well, nothing new, anyway.

Santos read my book, though,

called it extraordinary.

Well, isn't that good?

Then right on cue, he brings

up my enrollment numbers

and proceeds

to give me his thoughts

for 20 of the longest minutes

of my life.

Why the chateau?

Well, at this point, why not?

I wonder sometimes if we made the

right choice coming down here.

Well, we don't really have

much of a choice.

To another school year.

Okay, here's the drill.

Right diagonal, left diagonal.

Wow.

Come on, ladies. Let's focus.

We have to get this

down by tomorrow.

Have fun storming the castle.

- Bye!

- Bye.

Have you ever thought

about going back to teaching

when the kids

get a little older?

No, thanks.

Universities are elitist,

cutthroat places.

364 days of the year,

I don't even think about it.

Well, I always tell people Ellen is

the smartest woman I know.

Hey, how about high schools?

Aren't they always

looking for, uh, subs?

Oh, can you imagine what that

mother is going through?

She is so young.

I hope they catch whoever did it

and fry his sicko a-s-s.

Hi. Come on in.

Anna.

Thought I saw

your name on the roll.

How was your summer?

It was great, actually.

Um, I went to Greece after all.

- You did go? Fantastic.

- Mm-hmm.

The cradle of philosophy.

- How was it?

- It was amazing.

I got a chance to read your book

while I was there,

and, um, I was wondering...

Like, I know you're probably

so over talking about it,

but I would love to sit down with you

and... over coffee or something,

you know,

and just pick your brain.

Well, I am certainly

not over talking about it,

but I don't

actually drink coffee.

My, uh, office hours

are on the top there.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

I, uh, see some familiar faces,

which is good.

We philosophers are a dying

breed, so safety in numbers.

For those of you

who don't know me,

I am Dr. birch,

and this is humanities 325,

the philosophy of language.

Uh...

Thought it seemed

a little crowded in here.

- Ellen birch?

- Yes.

Is your husband home?

Need help?

Uh, no. It's all right. I...

Well, I'm looking

for mousetraps.

Just didn't expect

to see so many.

I thought I'd just find

the old tom and Jerry kind.

Is this any good?

Yeah, but they're kinda cruel.

The little mouse gets stuck in

there and starves to death.

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