Spring

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1

- Evan.

- Hey.

You were out for a while. Are you hungry

or thirsty or anything?

I love you.

I love you, too, Mom.

How was work?

- It was all right.

- Oh.

Are you happy?

Yes.

Do you want to hear a joke?

Sure.

This shopkeeper

receives flowers

at the opening of his new store...

and the card says, "Rest in peace."

Are you sure you're not thirsty, Ma?

So he calls up the florist

angry and she says,

"Sir, at least you weren't the one

who got flowers at your wife's funeral

that said, "Congratulations

on the new location."

You need more morphine?

Ma.

Do you want me to call a priest?

I want you to know I...

think you two were amazing.

And I'm grateful for everything you...

Why don't you guys bury

these in your stomachs, huh?

That sucked, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna have Shitty Carl

try to cover your shift.

I'm gonna call Carl.

- I'm sorry about your mom.

- Thanks, Mike.

You know, Ev,

that was a real small funeral.

I mean, you know, it was intimate.

That's what I meant, it was good.

It was a good funeral.

Yeah, they really never had

any friends or family

or anything, so...

Nobody else?

They were only children.

I mean, their parents died young.

It was just the three of us.

You know, I'm really sorry about

the casket thing, too.

I mean, I think I saw I had some...

some fish oil on my hands

- and it... the brass was slick.

- Funerals are for the living, Tom.

Why the f*** does this f***ing

goddamn machine not work?!

- F***!

- The cigarette machine is for decoration.

- There's no cigarettes there.

- Give me some of that drink!

Do you want a shot? Let's have a shot.

- I got to work later.

- No, shots. Mike, shots, please.

Whiskey, whiskey.

I gotta take a piss.

...some fruity f*ggot juice

just like you, you f***in'...

Watch where the f*** you're going, man.

- I'm sorry.

- Bite me, b*tch.

Yeah, you're f***ed up, huh?

You tryin' to roll on my b*tch?!

- No.

- I f***in' saw you, man.

- I wasn't.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Guy had a f***in' rough day, all right?

Why don't you just shut

your f***in' cock holster,

have a drink with me?

Calm down, Jesus Christ.

Got a cigarette?

No, I roll my own. Sorry.

Hey, I got a f***in' cigarette.

You want a cigarette? Here.

- Hey, hey, what the f***?!

- F***!

Hey! Hey!

Babe, get up! Get up!

Kick his f***in' ass!

- Get him off him!

- F***!

- Evan, Evan, Evan!

- F***, that's enough, man.

- All right. I'm all right!

- Babe, babe, babe.

F***in'... Evan, Jesus Christ, brother.

I mean, you knocked that stupid f***in'

gold thing right out of his face.

Are you guys f***in' serious?

Ev, I just picked up, like, f***in' four

teeth off the goddamn ground, man.

Holy sh*t.

I mean, holy f***ing sh*t.

Here, put this on your sh*t.

The cops were here, guys.

Is he pressing charges?

The psychopath? I don't know!

Maybe! You almost f***in'

murdered the guy!

Will you... you're getting blood

all over your ice.

Will you put the gauze

on your goddamn knuckles

and then f***in' put ice on it?

Tommy, seriously, cock holster mouth?

- Hey, what...

- Why would you say that?

- 'Cause he had a f***in' cockmouth.

- For f***'s sake!

Look, man, you nee... you need

to change up your environment.

You have a lot of sh*t going on,

your whole family's dead,

and I think the best thing for you

would be to just shift gears

and do something completely

different with yourself.

Are you telling me that I'm fired, Mike?

He's not saying that.

Mike, you wouldn't...

I'm not saying you're fired.

I'm not saying you're fired.

No, Mike, you're not saying that.

But the boss was here

and he said you can't work here

anymore, man. I'm sorry.

I really don't want to be

unemployed right now, Mike.

Look, I can bring you back.

I swear to God I can bring you back.

I brought Shitty Carl back.

He stabbed a goddamn

crippled guy in the leg with a fork.

Right, Shitty Carl! He's a f***in' sh*t.

He's a piece of sh*t!

- I just need some time.

- Ah, f***!

I just need some f***in' time, man.

You know how it is, man.

I mean, the f***ing Yelp reviews.

- We're getting f***ed here. I can't...

- What are you gonna do, brother?

- Where did you get this?

- Evan, wait...

All right, I don't need you

to f***in' follow me home, Tom.

Just hold up, man.

Ev!

F***.

Dude, do you need any help

down at the boats?

Can I have one of those?

Yeah.

I'll ask around.

You should talk to Dale

about construction gigs.

Dale?

He's been unemployed since June, man.

Give me that lighter.

You want to gut fish for tourists?

I mean, I smelled like a tuna fish's

a**hole for four years,

but it's good work.

Smell that.

- I don't... I don't know.

- Just smell it.

- I don't know.

- It's like it's on me forever.

I got some inheritance.

I can just use that.

Yo, where my f***in'

cigarette at, b*tch?

It's gonna get real f***in' boring

- following me around all night.

- I know where you live now, b*tch.

Why don't you just go back to f***in'

East County you f***in' tweakers?

- F*** you, you motherfuckers.

- F*** you!

Thanks for staying, man.

Yeah, they'll file a police report,

they'll sue me,

then they'll come back here

with baseball bats.

You want me to stay? Got an extra bed?

My mom's.

F***. I mean, Ev, I love you, brother,

but I'm not drunk enough to sleep

in your mom's deathbed.

Yeah.

Why don't you just lock the doors?

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Are you gonna be all right?

- Mm-hmm.

- You gonna be all right?

- Yup.

Yeah, you gonna be all right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

F***! These f***in' things.

- Am I supposed to f***in' jump it?

- Are you f***in' retarded?

There's a hinge, man.

F*** you, man.

Hey, uh... why don't you...

why don't you call up somebody

for a sympathy f***?

No, I'm good, dude.

All right.

I'm telling you, Evan,

your mom just died.

You're only gonna get

to use that one once.

I love you, brother!

- Love you, dude.

- I love you.

Mm, condom?

Okay.

Handsome picture.

I look like a hobo with smallpox.

You know I'm only here

because I feel sorry for you,

but this is a very nice picture,

Evan Russell.

Thank you.

- You're sitting on the condom.

- Mm, why do you have this?

Are you f***ing whores in TJ?

What? How did you even get to that?

My dad, he made me get one

'cause we were gonna go to Italy

after I got back from college,

but you know what happened.

How do you feel about me?

I just got sober all of a sudden.

I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Get out of town, Evan.

Right now?

Yeah. My brother's a fuckup, too,

and he took a break

and he went to India,

and he totally re-centered.

I just worked my way up

to sous chef, though.

You didn't go to Berkeley

to chop vegetables.

You sound like an elitist a**hole.

Mm, I'm just not sober

enough for this conversation.

Then let's have sex.

Mr. Russell?

Dispatch, I've got no one at the house.

F***.

Hi, can I get a flight somewhere?

Anywhere.

I'm sorry, I'm really hungover.

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