Spring Page #2

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Where would you go?

I don't know, like, uh...

Canada or Europe or something?

White people love Italy?

Gotcha.

Book me on the next flight.

Or, when is the next flight?

Actually, hold on a second.

Should I go to Italy?

What?

What, a wizard?

You're a wizard, Harry.

You're a wizard.

So I says to Mabel,

I says, you can't f***ing put

the guy on the fence like that

'cause it's f***ing getting

in the way of my apple trees.

- Excuse me.

- Sorry, mate. Yes, bruv, what?

Do you guys know where I can

find an Italian phrase book?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a bundle

of them down there, actually, pal.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

- Where are you from?

- California.

Oh, California. What, Hollywood!

- Join us for a drink, pal.

- Yeah, come on, man.

Come on. Sit down. Have a drink with us.

Go off and get him a drink, go on.

I'm Tom. That's me pal, Sam.

Sam's Welsh and he fucks sheep,

but don't worry, he's all right.

You know, he won't come near your bum.

- I'm not Welsh.

- Listen, mate,

- you are gonna f***ing love it here.

- Thanks.

All you do is eat,

f***ing drink, smoke weed.

I lay off the scag personally, don't I?

But it's your holiday, mate.

You do what you f***ing like.

Let's see if the Yank

can f***ing keep up, eh?

Boo!

Look at that.

Well done, bruv.

Oh, my God, I wish I could

f***ing talk Italian, you know?

Bunch of sixes, bruv.

- Sixes?

- Ciao. Ciao.

Oh, he's a goddamn American hero.

Oi, oi.

You like me? No?

No. Absolutely.

Go on. Go on. Oh, my God.

No, what are you doing, mate?

No, f***ing hell, mate.

No, you got to be more aggressive

if you want to shag

an Italian bird like that, mate.

What are you talking about?

What are you telling him for?

At least he went up there,

but you didn't do nothing.

You just don't give a little f***ing...

- What?

- F***ing hell.

Thank you for the beer, man.

Ah, you're welcome. Oh...

Where are you at?

We're gonna hire a car tomorrow,

go down the coast.

Do you want to chip in with some petrol?

Go on and get...

get a hold of that. Go on.

- Come on, Evan!

- Get it f***in' in ya!

I said, "F*** you, you c*nt."

Do you remember that?

I was like, "F*** you, you c*nt."

Proper c*nt.

I'm like, "F*** you, you mug."

Next thing you know,

I got punched in the face, mate.

Woke up three days later in hospital

the c*nt had f***in' done me.

He didn't help. He didn't help.

He didn't help.

You ever seen "8 Mile"?

You seen that movie "8 Mile"?

- Yeah.

- Right? It's like that.

So, geezers just rapping.

And then, I swear to God, one geezer

goes... goes up on the mic, right?

And he goes,

"Who can f***ing battle me, blud?"

All this f***ing bollocks.

"Who gonna battle me?"

I said, "Do you know what,

f*** this c*nt. I'll f***in' have a go."

Never rapped in me life, bruv.

Never f***ing rapped in my life.

Went up there, mate.

Proper smashed him, mate,

with a bottle in the face.

Birds, eh?

F***in' birds.

I was, uh...

I was seeing this girl once.

She's the love of my f***ing

life, pal, you know?

Known her since school,

first kiss, all that f***ing sh*t. Yeah.

Talked about having kids together,

the whole lot.

And one day,

she's in this pub

and she meets this bloke

from Ibiza, DJ, something.

Got a flat out there.

She only f***ing leaves me

and goes and lives

with this c*nt in Ibiza.

Broke my f***ing heart, mate.

Anyway, two years later,

I'm in me local supermarket

and I f***ing see her there.

She was proper fat.

Sunburnt, skin like leather...

teeth like f***ing doggins,

it was disgusting. I loved it.

You're lucky I'm here, pal.

'Cause most men don't share

their emotions like I do.

- Hey, mate, you got a Wi-Fi code?

- No, I ain't got a Wi-Fi code.

You do have the Wi-Fi code, mate.

Can I just...

I gave it to you last night, man.

What did you do with

that little piece of paper?

You f***ing rolled, didn't you?

You used it as a roach.

Oh, for f***'s sake!

Oh, bro, I f***ing blazed

the f***ing Wi-Fi code, mate.

...because I hate all nations equally.

And I'll tell you something else,

- the problem with Yanks, right?

- Yeah, everyone hates Americans.

I get it. I'm an evil imperialist.

You don't play rugby,

that's the problem.

Well, yeah, there's that, but it's

also 'cause you're f***ing loud.

- You're loud. I played soccer.

- Whole nation is loud.

I played soccer in elementary school

and I drink... I drink well.

No, you can't.

You have... I've barely seen you

drink five of those.

- That's not enough for you?

- No, I'm afraid not.

F***ing embarrassing

is what you are, mate.

- All right.

- Oh, look at this.

- All right, I'll get the next round.

- Yeah, go on, mate. Nice one.

Thanks, Evan.

We saw each other earlier

and if I stared any longer

without saying hi,

I'd be the creepy dude gawking.

Oh, sh*t. English?

I need a drink.

Well, come sit with me and my friends.

Leave with me.

Yeah.

I have to get this round first and...

I'd rather go home with you now,

but if you like boys more...

Really?

Come on.

- What are you doing?

- Trying to have fun.

Are you a prostitute?

You want me to be?

Are you gonna rob me?

No, you look poor.

Well, I'm not gonna carry drugs

up my ass for you or your boss.

- Go out with me tomorrow night.

- No.

- 'Cause you're a hooker.

- Because I don't date.

Well, this is a f***ed-up act you have,

but let's say you go home with...

I'd still like to grab coffee

or something sometime

'cause I think you're the most

attractive person I've ever seen.

But that doesn't outweigh

that you might be a mental patient

and I gotta make sure you're

the kind of crazy I can deal with.

You made this so much more

complicated than it needs to be.

Bottle of wine tomorrow night.

No... no!

Maybe?

Right.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. You fumbled.

But if you're looking

for someone to play

the f***ing long game with

come over here, bruv.

Sam will help you out.

Sam will let you f*** him.

I hate these guys.

- Oi!

- Hey!

You went pint for pint last night, son.

- I'm f***ing proud of you.

- Well done, son, well done.

- I did?

- Nope.

Oi, we're leaving, mate.

- Okay.

- Yeah, it's too expensive.

We're going to Amsterdam.

- All right.

- You want to come?

No.

All right. Good times, mate.

Good times. Good times.

Yeah, take care of yourself, son.

Okay.

Scusa.

Scusa?

Um, buongiorno.

Buongiorno.

Um, English?

A little.

Is this room still available?

- Have you ever work on farm?

- No.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Come on.

You see?

Hot and cold.

Got it, thanks.

If not hot...

When cold, we cover up the trees

and once a week we gather

for the olive press.

The rest, I tell you.

Easy, huh?

Is that your wife?

Yes.

Is she here?

Car accident.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

women, Jews of the world.

- Jews?

- Jews.

Jews.

Jewels.

Jewels.

Buongiorno.

Hey.

Hey, I just moved here,

so I was wondering

if that date might fall into place.

- Do you remember my name?

- You never told me.

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