Spring Page #3

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- Scusa.

- You're learning.

And you're not afraid to embarrass

yourself, that's good.

I'm Evan.

Louise. Did you just...

did you just touch my boob?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

- Wow.

- All right, one last time

and I'll let you go.

Will you go out with me?

I don't know.

That's a huge cock.

It's fertility imagery.

No, that's... that's Roman porn.

Are you an artist?

No, are you?

No, I was a cook,

now I'm a farmer.

A farmer.

I just started.

That was fast.

Are you impressed?

No. Don't... don't touch that.

It's hard to make a living

in a tourist town.

How do you do it?

I don't. I'm a student.

And how did you end up here?

I'm studying evolutionary genetics.

It's easier to isolate genes

in a homogeneous population.

Um, I'm researching stuff here

'cause not many people

have left or emigrated.

I'm f***ing up your job.

Yes, you are. So go back

to America, fascist.

Great scam you pulled

having the university pay for you

to live here, though.

I know, right?

What do you think of her?

She's hot.

You think so?

I need caffeine.

What... what happened to your hand?

Um, I punched a guy.

Did it hurt?

No.

Yes.

Did you... did you feel better?

I know, I'm a child, I'm immature...

I was just going to say we're all human.

My family would vacation here

when I was little

and I would see

these old men sitting here.

Sometimes I wonder

if it's the same ones.

You don't sound Italian.

- Are you really from around here?

- Not far. I traveled a lot, though.

So I sound weird as f***.

Did you learn your English in England?

I did. But then I studied

in America for a while.

- Where?

- New York.

- I've never been there.

- You've never been to New York?

- Are you kidding me?

- Nope.

I thought all Americans

have been to New York.

- I've been to Southern California,

- Right.

- Mexico, and here.

- Oh, Mexico. I love Mexico.

I went there with my ex on a boat.

What happened?

We had so much Mexican food.

- No, no, with the guy.

- Oh. Oh, he was awful.

Oh, he was... he always

had to conquer something.

Why did you date him, then?

He wrote me very romantic love letters

and he was so much fun

to drink wine with.

Let's get a bottle of wine.

Okay, but you have to

write me a letter first.

You can write it while I finish

my espresso.

I'm still jet-lagged.

Flipping my days for nights is making

everything feel like I'm in a dream.

Thanks for the wine.

It's most of my paycheck

that I haven't gotten yet,

but you're worth it.

You shouldn't pay for things.

What if I told you I'm actually

a successful businessman

taking a break from all my wealth?

Are you?

I'm not.

When I would sit at the bar

at the restaurant I worked at,

for every one woman I'd catch

combing the place

for a doctor or lawyer,

I'd see like 10 of them

with some bum like me.

Did you like being a cook?

No.

- It was f***ing horrible.

- It can always be worse.

And here you are, trying new stuff.

I mean, I could do something

really important, still.

- Like invent an app or something.

- Or get your own reality show.

- The dream. The dream.

- Oh.

At least you're living.

Yeah, I always used to say that, too.

Right now if I really had

the choice, though,

I might take

professional success over living.

I've worked many jobs

and none of them... none...

have been worth missing life.

That's very European and all,

but you know...

Know what?

Taking siestas and being

less competitive, that's really nice,

but your iPhone

was not invented in Europe.

Yeah, right. You want to go somewhere?

- Yeah.

- Okay, let's do it.

F*** it.

We're going into that cave!

- Yeah!

- No.

I bet it's haunted by dead sailors.

- I thought you were a scientist.

- I am a scientist.

What is this "dead sailor"

bullshit ghost story?

I bet you also think names

determine personality, right?

- Oh, they do. All Crystals are sluts.

- Oh.

Yeah!

And... and Evans are nice.

You do like me, then.

Maybe.

I know names don't determine sh*t.

But there are still lots

of mysteries out there.

Even I'm a mystery to myself.

I wish I could say I wasn't just

a simpleminded dude.

I understand about half of myself.

- Then you're half magic.

- Mmm.

I'm half undiscovered science,

bunch of confusing biochemistry,

and some crazy hormones.

She drowned a few months ago.

That's horrible.

Yeah, the dams up the mountain broke.

Her body was taken

out to the sea by the flude.

Flood?

And they found her dead body in Sicily.

You know, I know it's clich,

but all the people

that put that religious stuff up?

I mean, why do they think

God would do that

to a little girl like her?

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause everybody's gonna die

whether they believe

in God or not, right?

I have this buddy... um, great guy,

always wasted, though.

Not really perceptive.

He goes to a party with his girlfriend,

and this other girl,

maybe about four feet tall,

walks up to him...

punches him in the face. Knocks him out.

Turns out this girl was cheating

on him with his girlfriend.

So now everybody knows Tommy was

knocked out by a lesbian named Tiny.

Mm, I love Tiny, but what is your point?

Nothing. It's just a funny story.

No.

In winter, you put dirt here.

In spring, we just take off.

Done.

Perfect.

This is...

Got it.

Bene. Perfect.

You take out this...

- All of them?

- Si.

What's that, kitty?

What's that? What's that?

This...

F***, this town is small, huh?

Hi.

Hey.

You, uh... snuck out last night.

- I did?

- Yeah.

Mm. And who are you?

Uh, Evan, the guy you

slept with last night.

Sorry, I don't recall.

- Evan.

- Oh, that's f***ed up.

- Don't be so emotional.

- That's messed up.

This is the best place,

you should try it.

Man, you eat a lot.

I don't care if you call me fat.

I was starting to think you were

cooler than pulling this one.

I'm just saying I don't care.

If this was the 1700s,

you would think I'm too skinny.

You may not believe this,

but most men are not attracted

to women who look like preteen boys.

Mm, some are.

That's true, but most men

just want a girl who's healthy.

Obesity and anorexia,

they're equally unattractive.

I think your opinion of men is too high.

No, I know dudes.

All we ever think about is sex,

sometimes food, sad truth.

You shouldn't say that out loud.

Hey, do you mind if we go in here?

Sure.

- Do you smoke?

- Sometimes.

I smoke more than sometimes.

Then don't.

I don't want to live forever.

How about this, you go out

with me tomorrow night,

I won't buy any cigarettes.

What?

Will you go out with me

if I quit smoking?

Don't quit for me.

You don't want to go out with me again?

I don't know.

One, uh... una?

Si. Uh, those.

Who are these guys?

That's Bob and Sally.

I rescued them from a lab

that was done with them.

Would you like to adopt them?

- No, I'm good.

- Mm.

Are you sure they should be

in the same cage?

It's only until I find them a home.

Yeah, but they're gonna f*** like...

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