Spy Hard

We're approaching insertion target area,

about a mile from your D.Z.

You ready, WD-40?

I never felt more ready

in my life.

Oh, damn! What the hell--

Steele, are you crazy?

Good afternoon, WD-40.

We now begin "the free world's in

double jeopardy" round of your mission.

- He's a sadistic criminal mastermind...

and international arms dealer

who has brokered a deal...

to sell a stolen Scorpion missile

to a Middle Eastern terrorist cell.

The question is.

Who is Rancor?

That's right.

General Derwood Rancor.

So why don't you begin your mission.

And good luck to you, WD-40.

And don't forget, WD-40,

as always,

this tape will self-destruct

in three seconds.

Steele!

General Rancor,

your chopper's waiting.

Fine. Be there in a minute.

I ain't done with this one yet.

Talk to me, boy!

He doesn't want to talk.

Take him outside and shoot him.

And when you shoot him,

use the silencer.

Thank you.

Have a nice flight.

Have a great flight.

- Enjoy destroying the world, sir.

- Thank you, ma'am, I will.

I'm going in there.

My God!

Look at you.

- You are such an incredible man.

It's my job, darling.

I do it for my country.

Hmm? Oh. Good luck.

Luck's got nothing to do with it.

Nothing can stop me now!

Not even that sanctimonious

secret agent Boy Scout Dick--

Y oo-hoo!

Steele?

- Oh, Dick, don't drop me!

- Hold on! Whoa! Don't!

- Grab my wrist!

- Oh!

Whoa!

- Don't drop me, Dick! Don't drop me!

- Honey?

A man of intrigue

He lives for the thrill

Always has places to go

and people to kill

Danger is the game he plays

And he holds every card

'Cause if you wanna win

You gotta spy hard

A man of the world

so suave and discreet

He trips over the women

piled up at his feet

But evil's lurking

So he's always on his guard

'Cause if you're gonna spy

You better spy hard

He's always there

When the chips

are beginning to fall

He wouldn't care

If they kicked him

and grabbed him

And shot him

and stabbed him

And nailed both his ears

to the wall

Facing death every day

Is a tough job for any man

But his hours are flexible

And he's got

a great dental plan

By the way

if you walked in late

Allow me to reiterate

The name of this movie

Is Spy Hard

They call it Spy Hard

You're watching Spy Hard

It's the theme from Spy Hard

Sir, I hate to disturb you, but we're picking

up something interesting on the compound...

- infrared detection system.

- Well, what is it?

Oh, it's this really neat

security system, sir.

- It picks up the body heat on the

intruders-- - Fine! What is it detecting?

Oh, well, it looks like

Agent Barbara Dahl, sir.

Barbara Dahl?

Hot damn!

At last!

Arm me.

Y eah.

Now, bring me the bait.

Welcome, Miss Dahl.

General Rancor would like to see you.

Don't even think about it!

Put the gun down!

Move.

Don't try anything funny.

Oh, you morons!

Let go!

Oh! Oh!

- Well, look at you.

Barbara Dahl.

If you ain't the spitting image

of your mama.

Don't you talk about my mother,

you hybrid curiosity.

My mother was twice the man you are.

Hey, lady,

I think you're carrying...

this "spitting image" thing

a little bit too far.

Now that I got Barbara Dahl,

it's just a matter of time

before Dick Steele comes to get her.

Have you confirmed

this transmission?

I have. It's confirmed.

It's Barbara Dahl.

Who authorized Agent Barbara Dahl

to go on this operation anyway?

No one.

She's working on her own.

This one is personal, Coleman.

Well, this personal mission may have

cost a good agent her life...

and put the entire free world

in jeopardy.

- We must inform the director.

This is the director.

What is it, Coleman and Bishop?

Sir, we've intercepted a very disturbing

satellite transmission...

from our listening post

on the Rock of Gibraltar.

- Well, what is it?

- It's this really big rock...

sticking out of the water

on the south coast of Spain.

What is the transmission?

You will have to see it

to believe it, sir.

- You've got to put it on channel three.

- No, four.

- Switch it to VHS.

- And take it off of cable.

Put it on the monitor.

And now this

special message from Rancor Industries.

She makes a pretty hood ornament,

don't you think?

- Rancor!

- Y es, it is I, good ol' General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life

and twice as ugly.

- But Steele blew him up!

- Apparently not.

You did everything

except eat me,

and I'm still alive.

All Steele did was blow off

a couple of arms.

That's no biggie,

no big thing.

Now I got plenty of arms!

Big arms. Pretty arms. something.

Your pretty little agent

is now part...

of the nose cone

on top of my missile.

This missile will be launched

in 36 hours...

- and nothing will stop me!

- He's a madman!

Only thing is,

I'm missing one little chip...

that controls my satellite,

and, daggone, I want it back!

Now you hand me my chip,

and I'll give you back your agent.

Good God.

He must be stopped!

Dick Steele couldn't

stop me 15 years ago,

and all the d*cks you've got

won't stop me now!

Apparently,

he hasn't seen the size...

of some of our newer members!

- With the chip, he rules the world.

- Without the chip,

he destroys the world and--

- Would you practice someplace else?

I'm trying to think!

- The world? Ha!

We all know what

General Rancor really wants.

- Steele. - That's right!

- And we're going to give Steele to him.

- Steele?

Have you forgotten what happened the last

time Steele was placed in the line of fire?

We are stopping here. Traveller wants

to mingle with the crowd.

- Oh! Oh, my God!

- Steele, what the hell are you doing? Get off me!

- Get him in there!

Get him in the limo! Cover him!

Go, go, go! Go! Go, go!

The bridge is out.

Do not enter.

The bridge is out.

The bridge is out,

damn it! Stop this car!

- Stay away from the window, sir.

Steele, do something!

Good job, Steele!

Thanks!

- It's about time

that jerk did something right.

- Hang on, Mr. President!

The bridge is out. Do not enter.

Thank God our president

was one hell of a good swimmer.

Nonetheless... there's only

one man for this operation.

Agent WD-40.

Steele.

Dick Steele.

Dick, Dick, Dick Steele.

Dick.

Oh, Dick, that was incredible.

- Thank you.

Don't thank me, darling.

The art of lovemaking takes two.

Sometimes three or four, depending on

how well you do at the crap tables.

- Fore!

- Well, my putter's up.

- Fore!

- Well, my putter's up.

Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.

- You are insatiable.

- Fifteen minutes to tee- off time.

I think there's something you and I

should talk about openly and honestly...

before I head off

to my golf game.

- What is it, Dick?

- It's a game.

People dress funny.

Hit a little ball with clubs.

Drinking is involved.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Whatever we've had between us,

I think it's only fair that you know

my heart still belongs...

to the girl I fell

in love with years ago.

Victoria.

She fell off a cliff.

- She died.

- Yes, I know.

I was just getting to that.

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