Spy School

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Nooo!

And that, Mrs. Bleckner, is why.

I don't have the formula...

...on your desk.

So very, very sorry.

Let's try this one more time...

...shall we?

Your math homework,

Mr. Miller.

And please refrain from...

...patronizing me with.

"My dog ate it" or...

"My grandmother passed away. "

Actually, you see, it's more...

...of a combination thing.

The truth is...

...my grandmother was helping me...

...with my homework...

...bless her soul...

...when my dog pounced on...

...the kitchen table and ate her.

Yup, that's why I don't...

have my homework.

My dog ate my grandmother.

You're a story teller...

Thomas.

Do you know what story tellers...

...do?

They tell stories.

No, they tell...

...yes, they tell stories.

Now, why don't you and your...

...overactive imagination...

...pay a little visit to...

Principal Hampton after school?

I believe you know the way.

I'd like to say something...

...in my defense.

Thomas, don't speak.

But she...

Shh! Say nothing.

PRINCIPAL OVER INTERCOM:

Attention, students.

This is Principal Hampton...

...with a big announcement.

Please rise.

A very special guest from...

...the White House will be joining...

...us at our fall dance on Friday.

Oh, one more thing.

Thomas Miller, listen to me...

...carefully.

I'll be watching you...

...so no shenanigans.

That is all.

Be seated.

So teachers don't get me.

Big deal. I mean, who cares?

That's why they're teachers...

...and not rock stars.

See, this is why I suggest...

...the less talking thing...

...as a very real option for you.

Hello, Drake.

What's going on, Mildred?

So what's it gonna be today?

Stuff me in a locker,

...shake me down for loose change?

Hey, you know what's always fun?

Hanging me from the flag pole...

...by my underwear.

Why do you give him ideas?

Because he's too dumb to...

...think of anything on his own.

Did you just call me dumb?

See? No comprehension skills...

...whatsoever.

You are so finished.

I think it's time to go.

Yeah, let's go.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Who are you?

I'm Cliff Randall,

...new substitute teacher.

Not making too good a first...

...impression, though, am I?

Uh, Thomas Miller.

It kind of depends if you're...

...one of my teachers or not.

I can kiss butt with the best...

...of them.

Thanks very much.

Oh, no, no.

Thank you very much.

And have a great day.

He's not only cute for...

...a teacher, he'd be hot...

...for a rock star.

What are you doing, Jackie?

You're supposed to be into me.

How's that working out...

...for me?

That's the nature of...

...our relationship, Jackie.

We've talked about it before.

So let me understand.

I continue to be the only person...

...in the whole entire world...

...who actually listens to you...

...and your outrageous stories...

And although I may or may not...

...have actual feelings for you...

I patiently wait by the side...

...until you decide what's best...

...for Thomas.

I need to explore all...

...my options.

I'm your only option.

Look around.

I don't see any line-up here.

Madison Kramer.

Madison Kramer?

It could happen.

Hold on, my phone's ringing.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hold on.

He's right here.

It's for you.

It's planet earth.

They'd like to know...

...when you're coming back.

Everyone knows Drake...

...is taking Madison to the dance...

So please don't embarrass...

...yourself anymore.

Madison...

...please explain you and Drake...

...to me.

Well, when I first came...

...to the school, Drake was...

...the first person I met.

And truth be told...

...when he's not being so daft...

...there's actually something...

quite charming about him.

In any event, Drake was assigned...

...to be my lab partner.

...and Madison was assigned...

...to be my girl.

Drake, you're being daft...

...again.

Anyway, Mr. Reese wants us...

...to dissect an animal and...

I was telling the little guy...

I'm not so sure if I want...

...to be a part of it.

Alls I know is Reese is...

...one weird bird.

You guys know all that creepy...

...stuff he keeps in jars.

Yup, Reese is definitely...

...a top-ten major psycho.

Obviously you guys...

...don't know.

Know what?

Nevermind.

I've said too much as it is.

Hoffman, let's go.

What don't we know, Miller?

See, Reese actually isn't...

...even a science teacher.

Here we go.

You all know that my dad...

...has some major White House ties.

He told me the details, okay?

See, the biology lab is...

...actually a government-funded...

...work station where Reese is...

...an undercover operative...

CIA, IBM, ATM type.

Do you want to hear more...

...or not?

No.

Wait, yes.

Tell me.

Don't... Okay, go.

He's currently concocting...

...a chemical weapon so deadly...

...that if it comes into contact...

...with any part of your skin...

...it burns until you're nothing...

...but bones.

Did you say nothing...

...but bones?

I did.

If you're fortunate enough...

...to live.

He's full of it.

We all know Miller never told...

...the truth before.

Why should we start believing...

...his crud now?

You think I would joke about...

...this sort of thing?

I- I even know where he keeps...

...the stuff.

Take us to the lab.

Show us.

Unfortunately, that's kind of...

...impossible as the lab is locked...

...and without the right...

...keys?

Let's move, Mildred.

Chapman, you joining me?

No.

I mean I would, but...

...there's scared people out here...

...who need a real man...

...to keep them protected.

Madison, sorry you don't...

...have a real man.

Please accept Drake Chapman...

...as the next best thing.

Okay, I'm going in now.

If anything happens to me...

...tell the school newspaper...

I lived one-sixth...

...of a full life.

You're so disturbed.

Boo!

Whoa!

I hope he's okay.

What?

You like him or something?

Is that what I'm hearing?

Yeah, Drake.

"I hope he's okay" is really...

...code for "gosh, he's hot.

I'd love to smother him...

...with kisses. "

If he's not out in...

30 seconds, he's so done.

You have some serious issues...

...don't you?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Sweet.

This squid is so fried.

It's on me!

Help, it's burning my flesh!

Get in there, Drake!

He's my neighbor, help him!

I'm not going in there.

It's bones!

Thomas Miller's nothing...

...but bones!

To think he was your...

...neighbor.

Look what you've...

...done to me!

Help, help, help!

Save me!

Ahh!

Uh-oh.

Boys and girls...

...this is not a drill.

We must evacuate the building...

...immediately.

No running, single-file...

...and if you see flames...

...walk a little faster...

But don't run.

All right...

...this is not a drill.

I repeat, this is not a drill.

Follow the hand!

Follow the hand!

Respect the hand!

Buddy up, buddy up!

Principal Hampton?

This is not a scheduled drill.

I suggest we get out...

...of the building.

Better not be another...

...student shenanigan.

I am not in the mood.

You make it sound like you...

...wish it was a real fire...

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