Stag

One for the money

Two for the show

Three to get ready

And go

[ laughter ]

Okay

One for the money,

two for the show

Three to get ready,

four for the dough

One of the money,

two for the show

Three to get ready,

now here we go

Get get get back

Get g-g-g-get back

[ laughter ]

Live it up now,

live it up now

Live it up now

Yeah yeah yeah

Oh

Yeah yeah yeah

Oh

[ laughing ]

All right, he's

right in front of you.

Straight ahead.

Straight ahead.

Straight ahead.

[ bell rings ]

Straight ahead.

ALL:
Ohh!

[ laughing ]

Unh unh unh unh

Co-co-come on

Have a good time

Morning, sweetie.

How did you sleep?

Not good.

Tossed and turned

a lot.

Okay,

I've gotta say this.

You've been acting really

weird the last several days.

Like, really nervous

and on edge,

so I'm thinking

either you're having

second thoughts

about getting married,

or there's

a problem at work

you're not

telling me about,

or, I don't know, maybe

there's someone else?

Babe, come on,

don't be ridiculous.

Okay, well,

but there's something.

Because you've been like

this big sack of nerves

that's all twitchy and jumpy.

Honey,

I'm fine.

[ laughs ] Okay?

F***!

F*** you, cereal!

F*** you, cereal!

F*** you, milk!

F*** you guys toge-

F***!

F***! You

f***ing piece of-

F***! Sh*t!

F***!

In the face!

F***!

Good afternoon, sir, hi.

My name is Luke Gordon,

and I'm calling from Janitors

Bucket Cleaning Service,

and I'm very excited

to be talking to you

about our exceptional

cleaning system.

Believe it or not,

we do have some people

in your building today

dealing with other clients,

and I was wondering-

No.

No, there's

no Janet here.

Janitor.

Yeah, it's Janitors Bucket

Cleaning Service, and-

Well, I can't take

a message for someone

who doesn't exist-

I'm calling you.

Sir, no, I can't-

No, there's no Janet.

I can't-

Go ahead. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll have her

call you, Fred. Bye!

Oh, shoot me in the face.

KEN:
It's

this stupid stag.

Wait, your stag?

How can that

be bothering you?

I thought that was,

like, every guy's dream.

Okay, babe, you've got

a great group of friends

that you've known

since you were, what, 16?

And I'm sure they're

anxious to see you tonight

and, you know, be part of

this special, memorable event.

Yeah, I bet they are.

So then why wouldn't

you be excited about it?

Two years ago,

I organized a group

that got Jason Albright

so drunk he passed out.

We stripped him

buck naked

and then covered

his ass in ice.

Ohh! [ laughing ]

KEN:
I then cut off

the top of a pineapple,

wedged that bad boy

into the crack of his ass

so it looked

like the whole pineapple

was shoved into his butt

and just the leaves

were sticking out.

I took a picture of it,

and then I circulated it

around the office.

Okay, now you're

just making that up.

You think

I'm making this up?

Mm-hmm.

You think this is-

Okay, I'm gonna show you

what I'm making up.

Here. [ laughs ]

Bam!

Oh!

It's my screen saver!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Yeah! I'm screwed!

Payback's a b*tch, huh?

Rory,

what are you doing?

You know what

I have planned for Ken?

It's friggin' brilliant.

No, I don't know,

and, uh,

I'm not really

that concerned, so-

Wa-wait, you're going

to the stag, right?

No,

I don't think so.

I mean, I've got

a lot of work to do.

I've got to get through

these cold calls, so...

Okay, so you don't want

to go to the stag, or...?

Are you kidding me?

The last time

I saw a vagina,

it was when my daughter

was coming out of it.

Your daughter's 6.

I know.

You need

to come to this!

I don't know.

I just-

Come on, man, hang with

the boys like the old days.

You know, just forget about your

responsibilities for a few hours.

This is our chance

to prank the prankster.

It's gonna be the best!

I don't know.

I mean, I really do

have some work to do,

and Liz is not gonna

want me to go, okay?

She doesn't mind me going out

with the guys and having beers,

but she's not gonna like

the fact that there's

a stripper there-

What are you doing?

I'm looking for where

you put your balls.

Funny.

Are they in your files?

No, check your mouth.

Probably in your mouth again.

No, not in my mouth. They're not on

your body, I'll tell you that much.

Dude, you're burned out,

all right?

You need

to take a break.

Give yourself

a few hours.

Just drink some beers,

you know, see some 'tang!

Then you'll come back in

tomorrow morning a new man.

You'll knock the f***ing lid

off these things!

Maybe, yeah.

So, um, who actually did

the pineapple placing

in Jason's buttocks?

Honey, it wasn't

the whole pineapple.

It was just the top with

the leaves sticking out.

Okay, but

who actually did it?

I don't know. I think we

drew straws or something

So did the winner get

to do it or the loser?

What are you doing?

Why are you asking me

this? Don't you get it?

By the end of the night,

I could be tied up

and gagged on a train

to Pittsburgh!

Either that or I could

wake up in an ice bath

without my kidney!

So then why don't

you just not drink?

Stay on guard all night so

nobody can do anything to you.

Not drink

at my own stag?

What are you, nuts?

You don't get it,

do you?

No!

No, I don't get it.

I mean, I don't understand

why you can't just go

to a movie with your friends

for your stag.

Something really actiony

with someone like Brad Pitt.

What, are you crazy?

Oh, sorry! I'm crazy?

You're shoving a pineapple up

some guy's ass, and I'm crazy?

It wasn't the whole pineapple!

Don't you yell at me!

I would never shove

a pineapple-

It's impossible!

It's impossible

to shove

a pineapple

up a man's ass!

I said don't yell!

It was the-

'Cause it-

Forget it! Let's just

forget it, okay?

You know what,

if you're so worried,

why don't you ask

your dad or a friend

to keep their eye out

for danger?

I did.

I asked Carl.

Carl? What?

You asked Carl?

What's wrong with Carl?

That is the same question

all my friends ask

whenever they meet him.

"What the hell

is wrong with Carl?"

[ dramatic music playing ]

Take me

to the basement.

You were awesome

in Tiger Bait.

What did you say?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Cut!

What'd you say?

Listen, Clark-

It's actually Carl.

Yeah, um,

you gonna be okay here?

You sure you can

handle this all right?

Hey, Gus, dude,

I'm an actor.

I can do this sh*t

standing on my head.

Okay, great.

But we did tell you

that Veronica likes to

keep to herself, right?

Oh, yeah, I know.

Right.

Right.

Okay.

It's just Tiger Bait's

one of my all-time

favorite movies, so...

Okay.

Have you seen

Tiger Bait?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I've seen it, but,

um, I'm more concerned

about making

this movie right now,

so if you can't handle it

just let me know.

I can get

someone else here.

No, wouldn't want you

to go to all that trouble.

It's actually no trouble.

We just need to find someone

that can fit into that suit,

and then you're gone.

I'm good.

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